Last Sunday was Father’s Day, but I was distracted. I felt like calling two people I had discussions with last week to find out if their sons also sent Happy Father’s Day wishes to them. The wishes would have been hollow rituals.
They told me during the interactions which took place at different times that they were thinking of taking second wives. I was jolted because both of them have been married for over 35 years.
Their children are adults, so where did this thought of a second wife come from? It was never on the card, but the foundation may have been unwittingly laid over time.
Let me state here that our “victims” today are just case studies. There is this dangerous malaise afflicting marriages. It is taking your spouse for granted. Every married person is susceptible unless he/she makes conscious efforts to avoid this trap.
What happened? In the first case, the wife travelled abroad, no return date. She lives with the son who is single. If he was married, I would have thought that she was taking care of her grandchildren. Nannies are very expensive abroad.
In the second case, the wife joined the children to keep an eye on them when they were in school. They are done with schooling, but the wife stayed back.
These are men in their late 60 and early 70, respectively.
More than any other time, I feel this is the time when they need their wives most. I feel that for the two fathers who gave these children the good life they are currently living abroad, they should be sensible and empathic enough to know that their fathers need their wives around them and encourage their mothers to come back to Nigeria.
But if the children decide to remain insensitive, the wives should know that as couples grow older, the primary purpose of marriage which is companionship becomes paramount.
In the beginning of marriage, sex blurs companionship because both bloods are very hot. Thereafter, the children start coming. The bloods are still hot but as the marriage progresses, children become a pleasant and necessary distraction. This continues for a while.
By the time some couples are in their mid-60s they are done with training their children. At that time, menopause has also set in for some women and the libido of some men has nosedived. Both lead to decrease in appetite for sex.
In fact, some men lose the ability to get a firm erection naturally. They rely on assisted erection mechanisms (if you know, you know). For marriages that relied too much on sex for survival, this is a dicey stage.
Women naturally protect their territory. If you know your husband is still firing on all cylinders, you will think twice before leaving him alone for a long time because as the bible said, “his habitation, let another take.” In other words, nature hates vacuum.
But this does not seem to be the case as the couple grow older. I did not probe into why their wives had been away for this long, but it is certainly not due to domestic violence or money because these guys are financial heavyweights.
I am pissed off with their sons. They are wicked and selfish. What exactly is their problem? You want to continue enjoying mummy’s delicious meals instead of going to get married? Spoilt mama’s boys!
The experience of our “victims” today is not isolated. Some women travel abroad to do omugwo (help out their daughters/daughters-in-law who just had babies) and stay back for months, sometimes years. Sometimes, these women abandon their husbands and never come back to Nigeria.
Your father toiled for you. Now, in his old age you deny him the companionship of his wife by keeping her abroad because you want to save money in paying nannies.
If these mothers were widows, no problem, but they left behind old, vulnerable husbands! The bible says that whatever you sow you shall reap. I dare these children to say amen.
My mum told me a story. A boy went to the farm with his father. The father sent him to the nearby stream to fetch him water to drink. He peed into the water because he felt the father was too troublesome, always sending him on errands.
After the father died, as the eldest son, he inherited the farm. One day, he sent his son to fetch water from the same stream. The son also peed into the water. When the father was drinking the water, he tasted the urine.
Instead of scolding or beating his son, he remembered what he did to his father and tears rolled down his cheeks.
What saddens me most is that these two men are being forced into polygamous thoughts due to abandonment. I do not have issues with polygamy. It is a matter of choice. I am gutted because these instances are prompted by abandonment.
I tried to put myself in their position and goose pimples took over my body. I enjoyed every stage raising my children, but I don’t want to pass through that route again.
These two guys are rich, so the new wives would likely want to have their own children.
I certainly do not want to go through raising infants in my late 60s and early 70s. I have no plans of having retirement babies.
God sparing my life, my plans are totally different. What is left of parenting for me are advice, mentorship and other stuff parents do with their grownup children.
For Christians, the bible says a man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife. The word “cleave” has a connotative meaning which is inseparable. A spouse should not feel complete without the other half. It is dangerous to function optimally without your other half. You should feel incomplete over time without your spouse.
The lives of a couple should be intertwined. That way no quarrel can linger because in no time, they will have a reason to communicate or relate. If these women felt incomplete, they won’t abandon their husbands and stay back with their selfish and wicked children abroad.
There is a downside if lives of couples are intertwined. The sudden death of one spouse destabilizes the life of the one alive, but it’s a gamble I am willing to take. I am a believer that the older spouse should go first and I am older.
I might sound selfish, but widows cope better than widowers. We all will go someday, anyway. Our prayer is that we live into a ripe old age together.
One couple lived as familiar strangers for so many years for reasons best known to them. They lived in the same house but different bedrooms, no sex, the wife neither cooked for the husband nor did he eat her food.
I was shocked when the man called me on his dying bed and the wife was beside him. Na life be that?
I have heard some people give excuses that their fathers were very mean to their mothers. For them, keeping their mothers abroad is like a rescue mission or payback.
Who made you a judge in your parents’ marriage? When your father was slaving to see you through school, he was not mean. Now that you have become somebody, he is mean. Isorite!
And you men, I always advise you, paying school fees, providing shelter and a good life are not enough. BE IN YOUR CHILDREN’S LIVES. HAVE A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.
Scarcely does a son/daughter maltreat his/her father who was a good parent, mentor, teacher, friend, etc.