Recently, I heard some very touching stories about new marriages, some less than six months, running into troubled waters or crashing. Apparently, these young couples have made or are making some elementary mistakes. When this column started about 10 years ago, we touched on some of these errors, but we have a new audience of newlyweds or about-to-wed. Today, I want to revisit some of these school boy errors.
Do you know the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with? Let us not kid ourselves, you cannot totally know anyone, not even yourself. Circumstances bring forth aspects of people, including yourself, that you never knew existed. “But as the saying goes, “the journey of a 1000 miles begins with a step.” So know enough about the person you want to marry before you dive with him/her into that shark-infested water called marriage. If you do, you will acquire the skills of avoiding many of these sharks (not all o!) roaming in the marital water. Trust me, I have been in this water for 26 years and I am into my 27th year. I love the water, but you can’t let down your guards.
Next, this is not for everyone, but for those of us who believe in God. It is important you involve God in this treacherous journey called matrimony. First seek the guidance of God before embarking on the journey of getting a spouse. The next phase is courtship or dating, two of the most misunderstood words in relationship. There are many definitions, but I still prefer the ones I quoted in my book, Life Lessons from Mudipapa: The Institute in Basic Life Principles, refers to courtship as: “a relationship between a man and a woman in which they seek to determine if it is God’s will for them to marry each other.” If it this will of God, the gates of hell cannot prevail against your marriage.
For those who do not believe in God, let us just say courtship is that traditional period before engagement and marriage when intending couples date to get to know each other and decide if they should go ahead with the relationship. Courtship may include social activities undertaken by two persons (male and female) with the aim of assessing the other’s suitability as a life partner. The big question is what are the activities you engage in? Do they help you to know the other person better as truly as he/she is or the activities blur your vision Unfortunately, some of these activities that blur your vision are ephemeral and not long lasting factors like core values, character, friendship, etc. Then after marriage, you begin to sing, “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone…” Johnny Nash released this song in 1972 to express a sense of clarity and optimism after a difficult period. Your own case shouldn’t be the reverse. Know your priorities. A stick you ought to see shouldn’t pierce your eye.
I asked one of my young friends, whether he met his wife’s family before marriage. “Not really, until the day of the introduction.” That is a fatal flaw. You should know as much as possible about the family you are marrying into or from. It is nothing new. Our forebears did it. They investigated families before allowing their sons/daughters to proceed with the marriage. In this century, you want to jettison this very effective tradition? Interacting with his/her family should help you in deciding whether to continue with the courtship or end the relationship. Your family backgrounds are different. You will see things you love and others that you hate, you will see normal and weird stuff; you will get to know the environment where your potential spouse was formed. If he /she gets along his/her parents, but you resent the parents’ characters, that is a dangerous signal. But if he/she disagrees with certain behavioral patterns of the parents which also rankle you, that is an encouraging sign. Interact with the family you are marrying into or from.
The next matter is sex in marriage. God created sex to enable couples procreate and enjoy. It is an inexplicable bond. You cannot divorce sex from marriage. In fact, a marriage is not valid until it is consummated, that it, the husband inserts his penis into the wife’s vagina in what we call sex. Sex is that important in marriage. But I get worried by the obsession of young people with sex. On Facebook posts, all I see among young people is gbenching (having sex). Marriage is much more than gbenching. Those of you who have been married for five to 10 years, how far with gbenching? It is still very normal, abi? No problem, the blood is still very hot. Continue, but I hope school fees, upkeep money, quarrels and other factors that go with marriage are not affecting your appetite for gbenching?
Please continue with your gbenching, but just in case no one told you, by the time you get to your mid-50s and above, distractions of life, age and health challenges like high blood pressure, heart condition, diabetes, etc., will begin to interfere with your gbenching ability. Even seemingly innocuous arthritis is not left out! What has arthritis got to do with gbenching? There is this married woman who enjoys gbenching within her marriage o! Now, she is dealing with serious arthritis. She can’t do all those many styles she used to enjoy. Even missionary position has become an arduous task. When I attacked people who claim to have a cure for arthritis two weeks ago, you now partly understand where I was coming from. Her robust sex life has been ruined by arthritis. But thank God for her supportive and understanding husband.
There is still so much to talk about as far as schoolboy errors are concerned, but let me mention this because it is one of the problems currently ruining a marriage of less than six months. I am a firm believer that once people are married, they should be given their space to build their marriage. There should be no intrusion as long as there is no threat to life. Family involvement should only take place during courtship. Marriage gives birth to a new family. Parents, family members and friends should allow their newly wedded be. Away with your interference. Even intervention should be restricted to critical situations where one or both lives are at stake.
Finally, I advise women, if you cannot respect a man in good and bad times, when he is up or down, do not marry him. Of the things that bring out the beast in men, kills men physically and emotionally, none compares to disrespect from a wife. Men have killed their wives due to disrespect, men have also died due to disrespect. If you can’t respect a man leave him alone. Apostle Paul also admonishes men to love their wives. Personally, I feel love and respect should be mutual in marriage. You can’t love a spouse you do not respect. Young people, please look well before you dive into marriage. If not, you will dive a rock.