BY Francis Ewherido
Let us take a break from COVID-19-related articles today and talk about marriage. When I read for the first time that the marriage between Blessing Okagbare, one of Nigeria’s foremost athletes, and Igho Otegheri, a former Super Eagles player, was on the verge of packing up, I felt sad. Every separation, break up or divorce diminishes the marital institution.
But when I read the reason for the crash of the marriage in last Monday’s Vanguard, I did not know whether to be sad or angry. The report said they are breaking up because of something they should have agreed on before marriage: when to start having children.
Before you tie the nuptial knot, there are some fundamental agreements you need to reach with your spouse. They include the number of children you want to have, the timing (when you want to have them, all things being equal), and the religious bent of the formation of the children (that is if you practice different religions, like Christianity and Islam, or you belong to the same religion but different denominations: Catholicism and Deeper Life).
When they got married in 2014, Blessing was 26 years. From age 32, most athletes would either have peaked or passed their peak. They scarcely get better after age 32, so Blessing has either hit her peak or past her peak. So, she should be retiring soon, why is it now they will be divorcing over when they will start having children? Na now when dem don chop rat reach tail dem go dey complain say e dey bitter? The story did not make much sense to me. I went online and as I read, I began to piece things together.
There are other reasons, but the husband has said he will not say anything to tarnish the reputation of Blessing. That is a wonderful disposition and I hope Blessing reciprocates.
Blessing was the one who filed for divorce, citing laziness, infidelity and irreconcilable differences, according to reports. My advice to Blessing is, otere (it is enough). No more public washing of dirty linen. They should quietly sort themselves out and reconcile or go their separate ways. They should not vilify each other.
For the rest of us, there are lessons to be learnt, not necessarily because it is the situation with Blessing and Igho, but because these issues crop up in marriages every now and then. I was looking at the photos of an obviously happy couple dancing away just six years ago. Now Blessing wants out.
So, number one lesson, young peopleee, marriage is very deep. You can never get to the bottom, but it helps to know as much as you can about the marital institution and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with before you jump into marriage. This happens during courtships. Have a proper courtship. We have discussed courtship exhaustively previously, so we will not go into details today.
Two, young men, no woman wants to marry a lazy man, in or out of bed. Today, we are discussing “out of bed.” You have to work hard, no alternatives. But before that, you need to be purposeful so that you are focussed, not aimless hustling or pursuits. Lack of purpose will make your hard work fruitless, thereby making you look like a lazy man.
Three, there is nothing wrong with marrying a richer woman. But your plan must not be to live off her after marriage. You must work hard to stand as a man. I know a few of Nigeria’s heavyweights today. When they got married, they were nowhere near their wives in terms of finances and social status. Some even moved in with their wives, instead of vice versa, because their abodes were miserably substandard compared to their wives’.
To insist that their wives should move into their abodes then because they are the husbands would have been tantamount to witchcraft. But they worked hard and now they can hold their own. Two of them live in their own houses in Ikoyi.
Four, it is not compulsory for the husband to be richer than the wife in a marriage, but it is important that a man should have his own money. For example, Serena Williams is worth about $180m while her husband, Alexis Ohanian, is worth about $70m. No woman should cater for a man all his life. It does not happen these days. If it happened in the past, it was an anomaly. A REASONABLE wife will tolerate a husband who makes effort, who works hard, who earns an income, even if he does not earn as much as she earns. But no woman will tolerate an able-bodied husband who lazes around 24/7 while the woman is out there working. That is not marriage, it is slavery.
I will drum it into my daughters’ heads, they should not bring a lazy son-in-law-to-be to me. I will find out and throw a spanner into their plans. It is not about the person’s net worth as at the time I am meeting him. I have said it here before. The two criteria any young man must fulfil before thinking of marriage are: a regular source of income and a roof over his head, owned or rented, a mansion or single room. Then the young man must be purpose-driven and focussed. Without purpose and focus, you are not likely to be successful in the current Nigerian environment.
Five, we have also discussed it here extensively. My position is that during courtship, parents and family members can be involved in the relationship. It is nothing new; it is part of our tradition. Before marriage in those days, parents dug into the family roots of the potential spouses of their children. It is a wonderful tradition that should be sustained. The family should act as check and balance. Beyond that, many people who are courting need help because they are blinded by lust. They do not notice character flaws of their potential spouses. Even when they notice, they rationalise that they will make their spouses to change after marriage. From experience, and we have also pointed it out here, you can guarantee change from only one spouse after marriage, and that spouse is you. You have no right to tell your spouse to change what you condoned during courtship. That is treachery.
Six, after marriage, couples should not allow any form of interference in their marriage from family and friends. In marriage, there is space for only the couples. Once family members get involved, the cooks get too many and they can easily mess up the broth. External parties can only INTERVENE in marriages during crisis that the couples are unable to resolve, not INTERFERE; and these external forces should not be family members. Family members tend to take sides with their own; that is why they are mostly incapable of intervening. We have drawn the line between interference and intervention previously.
For the sake of new readers, interference means, ‘to meddle,’ ‘to obstruct a process,’ ‘be a hindrance.’ Intervention, on the other hand, means ‘mediation.’ I have also said it previously, I will only get involved in my children’s marriage on one condition: if their life is threatened. No good parent wants to be pre-deceased by his children.
