TheNewsGuru

Tag: Courtship

  • Stop Dating for Wrong Reasons – By Michael West

    Stop Dating for Wrong Reasons – By Michael West

    By Michael West

    Dating is a prelude to marriage for adults. It is otherwise known as courtship but because some engaged adults don’t really want to settle down, they remain in dating for as long as it serves their purposes and interests.

    Not many people realise that dating without a purpose is time wasting and an euphemism for romantic adventure. A focused relationship is what makes adults responsible and accountable for their lifetime and resources. Going by the prevailing situation around us, there’re quite a number of people, women in particular, that are going through some hard and unpleasant situations in their relationships. But the truth is that many of them don’t know why they are in relationship or why they marry the men in their lives. In response to many of the questions and to properly define the path to a peaceful and lasting relationship, I decided to publish an abridged version of a piece written by Amara Blessing Nwosu, a resourceful writer and relationship coach, in addressing the situation. Read on:

    I have never failed to ask this question whenever I am speaking to singles on relationship matters. I have come to the realisation that many people, especially women, go into relationships either for the wrong reasons or no reason at all. A good number of ladies go into relationships just because their friends are into it and so they should play along. Others go into it because their body calls for it and this is natural. But it is only a few out there who go into relationships with the opposite sex for the right reasons.

    A good number of us are shy to open up and say what we have in our minds because we don’t want to be seen as one of those desperate girls. I don’t think you should bother so much about people talking or that guy seeing you as one desperado just because you open up on your expectations. I know you are too afraid to lose him again. But girl, if you don’t talk about these things now, they will come back to hunt your future. I know there are times compromise becomes necessary, but there are also issues that need no compromise. Losing your direction can cause you to stay in a relationship even if it no longer fulfils your needs and desires.

    Women keep lamenting of men treating them as rags in their relationships. The problem is not from the man; you are your own problem. I have been there and I know what I am talking about. Nigerian women, especially women from the eastern part, are brought up to believe that all a woman needs in life is marriage to a wealthy man. This is why you see young girls getting married while in junior secondary school and the parents are there rejoicing over her. What do you expect from that kind of relationship? She gets married to a man just because he has some cash to throw around. The life of this girl comes to a halt as she becomes the baby making factory she was created to be and possibly end up inside the market.

    Age has a way of teaching people some good lessons in life. There are also some ladies who are still being tossed about by every wind of compliment from men. These ones are adults, they have gone through series of heartbreaks from men, but have refused to learn their lessons. They go on making worse mistakes just because they are too desperate not to look before they leap.

    I am not trying to preach intolerance or gender equality in relationships. I am one person who believes there is a place in every relationship, kept for the man alone. I don’t like the idea of women trying to become men, but I also believe a woman should be respected and adored for her best to come out.

    You are an expert in getting men to love you and now you have this guy you are attracted to and you are not ready to let go. You keep disturbing his lines even while he is busy at work. Let me tell you what happens when you eventually end up in marriage with him; you will spend the rest of your life struggling to keep the relationship. Become the woman you are created to be and you will see him running tirelessly after you.

    When I talk about setting standards and goals in relationships, I am not talking about taking yourself to an invisible mountain where no normal guy can reach you. You have lost great men just because you don’t want to face reality. I know you want to ride in those posh cars like your friends who are married to big time drug barons and fraudsters, I know you want to move from one country to the other on holidays; they are all good expectations, but girl, what about developing yourself? I also want you to take time out and get to know how happy those your friends are with all the material acquisitions.

    You must set your standards and refuse to go below your expectations in life just to please a man. I have never gone clubbing and so I will never have anything to do with a man who moves from one club house to the other. I don’t like alcohol, especially beer, and so I can never stoop so low to have a relationship with a man whose fridges are filled with bottles of beer. I like privacy and so I don’t have to get attached to a man who loves partying and who has no secret. I can tolerate a lot of things from people, but there are no-go-areas when it comes to my life. I know people will tell you that setting standards is one of the reasons ladies remain single for a very long time. A man who loves you and appreciates class and knowledge will ever appreciate you.

    The problem with us is that we always ignore the red-flags in our relationships and blindly go into marriage without getting them sorted out believing he is going to change. Please get ready to cope with his lifestyle because he is not going to change. By the time you get into that relationship and start moving from one prayer house to the other for solution, please remember you read this article someday.

    There is more to life than the money in the bank. There is more to relationships than getting married to a total stranger whose lifestyle contradicts yours. You can only enjoy marriage when you get into it with your best friend. If he is not rich now, never look down on him because you may be the carrier of his blessings and he will someday make it because he is focused.

    From the Mailbox

    Re: Angel or Bitch, Who is She?

    It was a plausible piece of writing. The points made are succinct and adequate in the description of an ideal woman! They are made to complement men in their life journey. Life would be boring without good women. To get a good woman today is becoming difficult because of westernization of our rich cultural heritage. Whenever you see a man prospering very fast just know he has the right woman his life.

    The International Women’s Day concept should remind us of their importance in the human environment, especially their complementary role in making things work well. I agree with the saying that behind every successful man there is a good woman; and conversely, behind a failed man there is also a woman. – 08187107434

    • West wrote via mikeawe@yahoo.co.uk

    08035304268

    08059964446

  • Dealing with marriage-related stress – By Hope Eghagha

    Dealing with marriage-related stress – By Hope Eghagha

    By Hope Eghagha

    Marriage, the union of two or more people from different and often disparate backgrounds comes with its stress. Stress comes from finances (too much or too little of it), sexual relations, infidelity (the other woman, and in rare cases in Nigeria, the other man), the extended family, work hours, domestic chores, children or lack of them, and differences in religion or place of worship. There are no absolutes about this. There could be more. For example, how do we handle a situation when the woman suddenly becomes breadwinner in the family? Also, sometimes, people change after a few years of marriage. Or reveal their true character. My operative thesis from Day One is: Every Couple Must Decide, Must Work on Their Marriage. Not the pastor. Not the Imam. Not the Parents-in-law. Not a third party of fourth party.

    In my definition, I added ‘two or more people’ to accommodate polygamy, the practice of having more than one wife or more than one husband at a time. While the former is common in our clime, the latter is taboo in most if not all Nigerian cultures. We know of girls who keep multiple boyfriends, dubiously and humorously called ‘shareholders’ in their enterprise. Whereas most girls can tolerate men have multiple relationships in our culture, most men cannot stand it.

    The courtship period, the prelude to marriage, is often sweet. It is not in all cases though. Some girls see the bitter taste coming during courtship but hang on in the hope that the man would change after marriage. However, in a typical situation, both parties are often careful, especially if they both decide that they want to marry. Meetings are less frequent or limited to certain hours. Every moment they spend together is bliss. They are more tolerant of each other. There is nothing like ‘see finish’ if I may borrow our local expression. ‘See finish’ comes sometimes when a woman overexposes herself to the man before marriage. Some girls just move into the man’s apartment and start what in Delta State our people call ‘credit marriage’ or ‘paper bag’ marriage. Sometimes, the lady gets pregnant, and they must wait until she gives birth before bride price is paid. ‘We do not pay the bride price of a woman who is pregnant’, the people say. Why I ask? Are you paying for two?

    The discourse today is not on premarital issues. Arising from some discussions which I had during the week, I have decided to write on the stress involved in keeping a marriage together. When the popular line in most weddings compels bride and bridegroom to ‘say for better for worse’, it is in recognition of the stresses, challenges, and pleasures of a typical marriage. Anybody who decides to end a marriage on account of a stress factor, is likely to see more in the next woman. It is true that some persons could develop irreconcilable differences. Except they part ways, one of them may end up in the morgue. So, it is proper to not to take an absolute, fixed position.

    Finances. Couples must learn to manage their finances. The Nigerian marriage has run into trouble because we have not managed our finances well. If a wife feels that her husband is a bad manager of money, it could lead to dissatisfaction. This disenchantment may spread, dig deeper and gradually the woman would lose faith in the man. From Day One therefore, let there be an agreement on how to manage income in all circumstances. Some couples decide on a joint account. This has its advantages. It could also happen that the woman is a bad manager of funds. If ‘chop money’ is exhausted only after one week because madam spent money on other things outside the budget, and this becomes a recurring decimal, relations could be shaken.

    Sexual relations are a sensitive area. Both parties should understand each other and develop a rhythm. Some people are highly conservative in the ‘ozer room. A conservative man who marries a bedroom activist must strike a balance else he would have a permanently unhappy wife. What are your needs? Talk about them. Discuss them. Work on them. When. For example, a man suffers Erectile Disfunction (ED) it could be embarrassing if both parties are not mature. ED could be temporary or permanent. No party should jump to a conclusion. In one case, the woman accused the man of wasting his energy outside! Another man believed and expressed the view that it was a ‘spiritual attack. ED could be the result of medication or work and life-related stress. The operative word is: UNDERSTANDING through discussions.

    These days, there are too many cases of infidelity in marriages. Both men and women are guilty, though men are more disposed to it than women. Some men are discreet about it. Others flaunt their excesses before the longsuffering wife. Or are get caught through telephone chats. Women are urged to look the other way because in their view ‘all men cheat! It’s hard for most women to swallow. Some couples live together but lead two separate lives. They hardly communicate with feelings. A woman who is your wife needs attention. Often the attention is sweeter than money, especially when other things are okay. Money does not make love. Love in the deeper sense of it is sweeter than money. It is sweeter when there is money to make both parties meet their needs though. In the absence of plenty money, real commitment inmarriage through love creates an enduring marriage.

    During counselling, we tell both parties to give mutual respect to each other. There was a case in which the man always called his wife a ‘useless woman! The woman then reacted by staying away every weekend with her friends and relations. During reconciliation, the woman said if she was useless in the marriage why stay every day in the house of a man who thought she was useless. One of the lacking ingredients in the Nigerian marriage is lack of mutual respect. If one party sees itself as the senior partner, as it currently is, there is bound to be friction.

    Marriage as a topic, is inexhaustible. As a man married for nearly forty years, I still learn lessons almost during every new experience, I see my wife in a new light. Discovery can be sweet. It can also be bitter. It is always sweet if we decide to create sugar in our mouth and allow things that seem bitter to be sweet. Is it impossible?