TheNewsGuru

Tag: Family

  • Duties of a mother to her children – Francis Ewherido

    Duties of a mother to her children – Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    A mother’s duties to her children start from conception. There are certain foods recommended for pregnant women at each stage of the development of the foetus for the proper formation and health of the baby. These foods include sweet potatoes, lean meat, berries, avocados, dairy products, fish liver oil, dried fruits, amongst others. An expectant mother has a responsibility to eat the right food for the proper and healthy development of her unborn child.

    Duties of mothers to unborn babies also include quitting or, at least, suspending smoking. Research findings have shown that smoking retards the growth of the developing foetus, retards the development of the foetus’ brain, impairs the breathing of the baby after birth, could lead to premature birth and other complications, asthma and sudden death syndrome (SID) among others. Smoking is a health hazard, but for pregnant women it is a no-no.

    Another bad habit to avoid during pregnancy is the consumption of alcohol. Researchers have found that heavy consumption of alcohol by pregnant women can cause birth defects. To date, researchers are not even sure how much alcohol is safe for pregnant women. Sometimes, what is safe for Jane, because her body enzymes can easily break down the alcohol, might not be safe for Janet? I know some pregnant women take alcohol to combat nausea. I also know some pregnant women have abused alcohol in the process of combating nausea. The best advice is that pregnant women stay away from alcohol. As David Garry, DO, associate professor of clinical obstetrics and gynecology at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, rightly observed, “If you wouldn’t give a two-month-old a glass of wine, then why would you drink a glass of wine when you’re pregnant?”

    Scientists say fetuses develop auditory system by the 25th week or thereabout. Thereafter, they are said to hear sound of voice and music and respond. Parents are encouraged to talk to their babies in the womb. For me, whether or not, they hear or understand is inconsequential. Their God and guardian angels hear and understand the parents and know what the parents wish their children. I am an apostle of talking to children both in the womb and at early stages. In the early stages, what they do not understand, they treasure in their hearts until they understand. I have told the story before of how a relative told me that “you will lament it in future” when I was a little boy. I neither knew the meaning of lament nor future, but I kept both words in my heart until I became knowledgeable enough and understood them. Start speaking good and life into your children’s lives from their time in the womb.

    Breastfeeding is another duty that a mother owes her babies. Ideally, a new baby should be on breast milk exclusively for the first six months. But this is not easy for many mothers to practice these days because they have 8am – 5pm jobs. But as much as possible, mothers should give their children breast milk for the first six months. I was lucky that all my children had the privilege of being exclusively on breast milk for the first six months of their lives and I declare categorically that children, who are exclusively fed with breast milk for the first six months of their lives, are healthy babies.

    The first 10 years of children’s lives are the most important years in their formation. That is when children are most pliable and amenable. That is also when the foundation of the child’s life is laid. Unlike the foundation of a building that you can breakdown and make again, here once the foundation is laid, it is laid. It takes the grace of God to build a new foundation after the child crosses 10 years. What basically happens is that you build on the foundation that is already laid. Parents should ensure they are fully present in the lives of their children as well as acquire the right parenting skills, especially in the first 10 years. Some couples have made great sacrifices in this regard. Often, one of the parents quits his/her job to do something else that will enable him/her have enough time for the children in their early stages. Many a time, the mothers make this sacrifice.

    Every mother should train her daughters to be good cooks and homemakers. It is sad to see girls go into marriage without an inkling of how to cook. You employ maids to do practically all the house chores. Unknown to you, you are preparing those maids for marriage and motherhood at the expense of your children. Cooking is a wife’s primary responsibility and if you bring up daughters, who are unable to cook, you have partly failed as a mother. Not only your daughters, also train your sons to be good cooks and good homemakers. These two skills are very important for modern day young men. The current world is not in favour of young husbands, who are useless around the home once their wives are not around. You should know your way around the house and fix yourself a meal if your wife is not around or indisposed.

    One of the things men crave a lot is respect. Teach your daughters how to respect their future husbands by the way you treat their father. Some mothers have already ruined their daughters’ marriages before the marriages commenced. I know some women, who treat their husbands like filth and these women have allies in their daughters. How do you think they will treat their husbands in future? I will not encourage my sons to marry from such homes. No matter how bad your husband (I am not talking about abusive husbands) is, for the sake of your daughters, treat him with respect. If you cannot respect him, leave the marriage and revert to your maiden name. My resolute belief in the indissolubility of marriage notwithstanding, you cannot be answering “Mrs” to get respectability. Meanwhile, you are disrespecting the person who conferred it on you. The one that annoys me most are sons, who acquiesce and support their mothers in treating their fathers like trash. Do not worry, you will reap what you are sowing now. Shebi, you go marry, born children too? Spouses do have their differences, but please leave the children out of your disagreements and fights.

    I said previously that the home is a domestic church and the wife is the assistant parish priest or assistant pastor. A good mother should be prayerful and help build a praying family. She should use her prayers to cover herself, her husband and her children. In many homes, the fathers do not even realise that they are parish priests or pastors of their domestic church. Any mother in such a situation should become the de facto parish priest or pastor. Do not leave any vacuum. Build godly children. Nigeria needs them.

    A mother has many other duties: teacher, adviser, home doctor, driver, refuge and disputes resolver; being both father and mother sometimes, role model, mentor, watchwoman, disciplinarian and many more. Being a successful mother is tough business. But the joy of motherhood is indescribable.

  • The mistake of Abram – Francis Ewherido

    The mistake of Abram – Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    And it happened that Abram (later Abraham) had to temporarily relocate to Egypt with his wife, Sarai (later Sarah), due to famine in Canaan. Just before they got to Egypt, Abram became worried that the Egyptians could kill him if they knew Sarai was his wife because she was beautiful. And it was not uncommon in Egypt at that time for a man, who desired another man’s beautiful wife, to do a hostile takeover (kill the husband and take the wife). So Abram lied to the Egyptians that Sarai was not his wife, but his sister (and it was partly true because Sarai was actually his half-sister). But at that time, they were together as husband and wife and this spousal relationship was what counted. As expected, Pharaoh found Sarai very beautiful and she became part of Pharaoh’s harem. But God got angry and visited Pharaoh and his household with plagues. Pharaoh had to let go of Sarai like a hot iron (Gen. 12:10-20).

    Sometimes, man does not learn from history, so the mistake of Abram caught up with a young man in Lagos recently. According to the news story, he introduced his girlfriend to his friend as his sister. The friend was living (squatting) with him. Later the girlfriend also came to live with him. In the morning, our man would leave his girlfriend and his friend together at home and go to work. This continued for a while until one day when he got back from work and met an empty house.

    Since then, he had been discreetly looking for them until he traced them to Ajah. When he saw them, the girlfriend was already pregnant for his friend. What brought the matter to public knowledge was his insistence that the girl must come to live with him and the ensuing altercation he had with his estranged friend. I have thought about this matter since I read about it. One, like Abram, why did he have to lie that his girlfriend is his sister. In the case of Abram, God intervened, but in his own case, God did not and could not have intervened because God has no place for co-habitation. I have previously shared my thoughts on co-habitation in this column:

    Cohabitation is putting the cart before the horse. When a man and a woman meet and decide to have a relationship that can lead to marriage, they date. Dating is a period when you get to know a potential spouse better to enable you make up your mind whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with him/her. Marriage is a turning point, either for good or for bad, in many people’s lives. Therefore, the decision to get married to someone is not something you trifle with. You need prayers, you need fasting; you need to be very close to God to get the divine guidance of the author of marriage. Co-habitation inhibits your prayer life and Godly living.

    When both parties are satisfied that they are meant for each other, the man formally proposes to the woman. Thereafter, he makes arrangements to meet with the girl’s family to make his intention known. And the process culminating in marriage continues from there. After marriage, they can now begin to live together. Women, if any man wants to live with you, let him first of all go to your family and perform the necessary marriage rites. That is class. Do not sell yourself cheap. Also, give your father that honour and your mother, the joy. You disrespect your parents and family by engaging in cohabitation.

    As I said earlier, our man was insisting that the girl should come with him. Come with him while carrying another man’s baby? What is the basis for that insistence? In Africa, the only basis to lay claim to a woman is if you have done introduction (limited claim), traditional marriage, civil marriage or church marriage. You do not lay claim to a girl if you have not done any of these. So, the insistence of our man is baseless.
    The next issue is the shocking naivety of our man. Even if he lied to his friend, deep down, he knew that the girl was his girlfriend, not sister. Why leave her and his friend alone day in, day out, week in, week out and over time before they eloped. I have said it a few times. Man and woman are magnet and iron. Bring them too close and they cling together. So when you leave your girlfriend and friend all alone at home, what can go wrong may go wrong and it certainly went wrong. Some men have no dick control. An Urhobo proverb says that “Odie kokekoke osho vwo rharen yovworu’evu r’ohoro. Evo or’ephe. Oriwovwo karophiyo n’omana je nabogba je ro” (not every erection is meant for sex. Some erections are meant to remind you to go and empty your bladder, while others remind you that you are still virile). For some men, every erection seems to be meant for sex. That is partly why rape and incest are rampant

    But I cannot say that the friend in the eye of the storm is weak. Very few men, other than angels, would spend so much private time with a woman, not
    related to them, and not cave in. Perhaps, when the feelings started running high, like Joseph did with Potiphar’s wife, he should have fled Gen. 39:12). But apparently, he did not. I congratulate him for keeping the pregnancy. Some people in his shoes would have aborted the pregnancy to deceive the friend and maintain the good relationship, while straining their relationship with God. Divine relationship takes precedence over earthly relationships, but our human failings sometimes make us to do the contrary. I also commend him for his refusal to let go of the girl. She is carrying his baby, so she goes nowhere. If after delivery, the girl is still interested in going back to his former boyfriend, she should drop the baby for the father and go. But knowing women, the girl will not leave her baby, not immediately.

    But he (squatter) betrayed his friend. Someone trusted you and let you into his home when you were stranded. And the only way to repay him for his magnanimity was to impregnate his girlfriend. Whether the girl is his sister or girlfriend, he should have refrained. He cannot use the excuse that he thought she was his friend’s sister as a basis to justify this betrayal. It is just not right. Sister, daughter, wife or girlfriend, stay away from women associated with your host.

    Finally, for our man, I will advise him to move on and get himself another girl (wife). He should just learn the valuable lessons that come with this painful experience. But if he insists on having his girlfriend back, he should wait until she has had the baby. But will the feeling of coming back together be mutual?

  • Duties of the father to his children – Francis Ewherido

    Duties of the father to his children – Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    Fatherhood goes beyond the ability to get a woman (wife) pregnant. Fatherhood goes with continuous and enormous responsibilities. One, the father is the leader of his household. To be an effective leader, there are three domains of leadership in which every father must play. They are the ability to lead self, the ability to lead others (wife and children individually) and the ability to lead the family as a unit. Self-leadership, to a great extent, determines your success in the other domains of leadership. Self-leadership involves a deep knowledge of self, a set of morally high values that define who you are, self-control and a commitment to the cause of the family (Willie Petersen).

    Two, a good father (leader) leads by example. A father cannot afford to be like the Pharisees of old, whose actions were at variance with what they professed. Your landlord comes for the monthly or annual rent; you tell your little boy to lie to the landlord that “my daddy is not at home,” while you are in the inner recesses of your house. Then the same little boy steals your money or meat from the pot and denies committing the act. You discipline him for lying and follow up with a sermon that lying is a sin. What is that? You lied earlier and the boy simply followed your footstep. A father walks his talk, he puts his mouth where his money is.

    Yes, leadership also includes enforcing discipline in the house, but fathers should be above board before enforcing discipline. Punishing a child for what you are also guilty of is hypocrisy. Clean up your act first; that gives you the moral ground to discipline a child who commits a similar act. One of the beauties of leadership is that it can push you to become a better person when you strive to live by example.

    Three, a father is a teacher. A teacher is someone who imparts knowledge. A father is a teacher, who helps his children to acquire knowledge, competence and virtues. Fathers are caretakers in whose care God has put His children. It is a duty, an obligation, to teach your children the right way they should go, so that when they grow up, they will not depart from it. Teaching your children is also partly parenting. Every father needs to build a good body of parenting skills to be able to be a good teacher. At every stage of the child’s life, the father needs different parenting skills. While school teachers retire, fathers are teachers for life. Even after setting out on their own and even getting married, your children still get back to you sometime to seek certain knowledge: culture, history, etc.

    Four, a father should also be a mentor to his children. A mentor is a person who gives a younger or less experienced person guidance and advice over a period of time. When you tell your child that a marriage means a union of opposite sexes that is teaching. But when you advise him/her that the man/woman that he/she is dating might not be a good spouse because he/she has a violent temper that is mentorship. Teaching is imparting knowledge, mentorship is also imparting knowledge, but with a view to counsel. Every father should be a mentor to his children.

    Five, every father should intentionally bond his children together, he should strive to build a united family. To achieve this, he needs the full cooperation of his wife. The wife’s actions can easily throw spanners in his works if she is not involved in the bonding. To have a united family, there should be no favouritism and discrimination based on sex, shade of skin colour, brain power age or physical appearance. There should be a level-playing field for all the children. A level-playing field does not necessarily mean giving all the children the same treatment. Each child is uniquely created. Take your time to know the character of each child and adopt measures that will suit each child’s character and help him/her to realize his/her full potentials in life. That is equity, which extends the frontiers of equality.

    Some parents say it is impossible not to have favourites among their children. I do not share that thinking; I just feel it is a weakness, not an impossibility. Favouritism is a parenting failing and shortcoming. If you take your time to understand the character of each child, you will discover that they are all special in their unique ways. But even if you have a favourite among your children, keep it to yourself; do not rub it in and do not rob Peter to pay Paul. Every child should be loved unconditionally. Look at all the rancour that occurred in the home of Isaac and Rebecca because of favourism. Even as we still speak, favouritism is destroying some families. The mothers have their favourites and the fathers have too. If I may ask, these your favourite children; is the process you used to beget them different from the process of the less favoured ones?

    Six, fathers should be friends with their children. It is very difficult to be in your children’s lives without being friends with them. Some fathers of old had the lion king/lion cub relationship with their children. Mothers did all the parenting, while the fathers were just there to be feared or, at best, as stabilizing factors. They were not part of the day-to-day life of the children. To be a good father, you have to be friends with your children, you have to get into their world to know their pleasures and displeasures, likes and dislikes, joys and pains, decisions and indecisions; agonies and other challenges. Armed with the knowledge of their world, you can play your role of a friend, teacher and mentor better.

    Seven, the father is the chief provider for the children. He is primarily responsible for providing food, clothing, shelter, formal education, etc.,
    for his children. A few weeks ago, we talked about the husband being the main provider for the family, with the wife supporting, especially when necessary, so there is no need to dwell extensively on it today.

    Eight, we also spoke about the role of the father as a protector while discussing the duties of a husband. This is a natural duty. In those days, when life was still communal, after a child causes trouble, he runs to his father. He believes that as long as he is with the father, nobody can beat or harm him. Fathers should strive to build protective shields—physical, emotional and spiritual—around their children.

    Nine, fathers should show their children the way of the lord. Do not leave the responsibility entirely to their mothers. Some men do not participate in family prayers. Family prayers are on, you are watching soccer on television, what are you teaching your children, especially your boys? Some men drop off their children in church on Sundays and go to the gym. Then, when Mass/church service is over, they come back to take the children home. Such men are showing a very bad example to their children by priortising physical fitness over spiritual fitness.

    Ten, it is important for a father to love his wife. When you do, you are teaching your sons how to be loving husbands in future. You also teach them immediately how to treat their sisters. In addition, not been an abusive husband gives you the moral right to scold your sons when they are abusive while dealing with their sisters.

    There are many more, but these are just some of the responsibilities

  • Families in Tears, Anguish over SARS Atrocities, By Michael West

    Families in Tears, Anguish over SARS Atrocities, By Michael West

    By Michael West

    The appearance of scruffy looking, gun trotting rude guys on patrol in hijacked commercial or private vehicles do send jitters down the spines of Nigerians especially the youths. It is not because there’s any reported crime or breakdown of law and order but for the likelihood of being caught as preys in the web of ‘unquestionable’ Special Anti-Robbery Squad, SARS, operatives who are on the prowl for who to extort, dehumanise and rape.

     

    Not a few Nigerian families have suffered losses due to reckless extra judicial killings by SARS operatives on the pretext of combating crimes. How they conveniently operate callously without blinking an eyelid is surprising. No human feelings, no apologies for their wrongdoings. Behaving as if Nigeria is a police state is repressible and frustrating. Flagrant violation of human rights is a norm to them. I can’t imagine how the bad eggs in the Nigeria Police Force were weaned, raised and trained from good homes. Everyone is a product of his home and a reflection of his upbringing. Even while it is possible for children to veer off the tract of disciplined upbringing, acting wickedly like killing at will, extorting money forcefully, raping and abusing women anyhow is nothing but demonstrations of animalistic tendencies in them.

     

    It is a fact that not all of them are involved in the dastardly acts, but it looks like the bad eggs among them are too visible for wrong reasons. Fundamentally, it is their call of duty to protect the people they wilfully oppressed. I learnt that they have daily financial targets to be met. Apart from daily delivery at their offices, they also make daily, weekly and monthly contributions which are the reasons behind their desperate extortions, illegal arrests and forceful ‘ransom’ collected for bail from raided youths on the streets. The way they assault innocent people is very crude and brutal. If they ask you to wait or demand anything from you, any attempt to question their actions may earn you resounding slaps and jackboot treatment. Their refrain “I will waste you and nothing will happen” have truly been executed in many cases. The blood of innocent victims are crying for justice.

     

    The alleged incidents of rape and sexual molestation by SARS operatives are on the increase. According to several accounts, women, regardless of age, class and status, are being subjected to sexual molestation. They fondle of their boobs, ‘grab the pussy,’ rape and demand ‘sex for bail.’

     

    Many Nigerian homes are in ruins and anguish due to gruesome extra judicial killing of their innocent sons by SARS operatives. How the special unit became notorious for criminal activities is baffling. They are never remorseful for wrongdoings. Even as the protest rages, SARS operatives are still confident that they will return. Tacit support by the police high command for the unit seems to buoy their confidence.

     

    Both the regular and social media are awash with scary and provocative reports of abuse, intimidation, harassment, torture and practical robbery at gun points by SARS operatives. Sometimes I feel these elements are not human beings at all going by the level of cruelties ascribed to them by members of the public.

     

    Let me admit that the laudable purpose for which SARS was created in 1992 has achieved a lot in curbing and fighting crimes. Before they went hey wire, SARS was a nemesis to armed robbers many years ago. They scarcely take bribes from suspects or victims of armed robberies while discharging their duties. Back then in mid-1990s, their intelligence network was unassailable. They operated as undercover agents most of the time except when they wanted to effect arrest. In that fine era, they were not harassing anybody. They were polite. They were feared not for brutality but for integrity, discipline and crime fighting. As soon as they accomplish their mission in a particular location or scene, swiftly they vamoose. The tainted image of the bad ones have overshadowed the core civil operatives in SARS. As it is today, the rot in SARS has gone beyond reform or image laundry. Anything short of outright disbandment and immediate prosecution of erred operatives is not acceptable.

     

    A victim of SARS brutality in Lagos, Abdul Abdulkareem, who was quoted by an online reporter as saying “I would prefer to be attacked by armed robbers than to encounter SARS officers,” narrated his ordeal in the hands of the dreaded operatives. According to the report, Abdul and two friends were on their way home at Idi-Araba, Surulere, when operatives turned up in a minibus and arrested them. “It was around 10 pm, I stopped at a store opposite my house with two friends to pick up bread for breakfast the next morning. The officers appeared from nowhere and dragged us into their van without telling us what our offence was,” he said, adding that the operatives picked 12 others to Area D Police Command in Mushin and locked them in the cell.

     

    “On our way to the station, the officers kept picking up people randomly and throwing them into the van. Anyone that asked questions got slapped. They seized our phones and personal belongings and refused to tell us anything. I had to sleep in the cell that night with the others that were picked up. It was a bad experience.” Abdul and his friends were released the next day after paying the SARS operatives the sum of ₦20,000. “They laughed about what they did as if it was a joke. They told us it was normal,” he said.

     

    Abdul’s story is just one of many Nigerians who have suffered unjustly and illegally in the hands of SARS operatives. In 2016, an Amnesty International report showed how SARS officers frequently detained, tortured, and extorted young Nigerians. The report exposed detention facilities in Abuja, Enugu, and Anambra, where victims were tormented and coerced into confessing to crimes they did not commit.

    Tales of woes and traumas by the victims of wicked SARS operatives are too numerous to mention. There are Nigerians abroad who are stiff scared of coming home because of nasty experiences and raw deals some of them had had in the hands of unruly SARS operatives. I saw videos of women who were lamenting their ordeals in the hands of SARS operatives about the way they forcefully had sex with them – rape. I saw a retired colonel on a national television narrating his unpalatable encounter with the “boys.” Uncountable number of young boys and girls are still nursing the wounds of SARS illegal operations. The victims have lost thousands of naira individually through forced transfers to the bank accounts belonging to SARS operatives at the ATM and POS, coupled with seizure of their mobile phones, laptops and sundry harassments on the streets. The unlucky young chaps have been killed and their remains were either dumped somewhere or tagged as robbery suspects attempting to escape.

     

    Bereaved families should speak out. Those who have been forcefully extorted through money transfer should also signify by presenting details of the illegal transfers for refunds. Those maimed, injured, unjustly detained should incident their cases for adequate compensations. It will be a call for prolong agitation and eventual shutdown of the country if the federal government subtly retains SARS under a new name.

     

    Let us return to the basics where home-grown discipline that is rooted in the fear of God, equity and care for fellow human beings are guaranteed. On this note, let’s take the agitation back to the homestead and “Train up a child in the way to go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Prov 22: 6. The call for #EndSWAT, #EndSARS must continue until sanity is restored in the Nigeria Police Force.

     

    Quote:

    “Not a few Nigerian families have suffered losses due to reckless extra judicial killings by SARS operatives on the pretext of combating crimes.”

     

  • Family honours J.P. Clark’s last wishes, buries him three days after death

    Family honours J.P. Clark’s last wishes, buries him three days after death

    The family of the late renowned emeritus professor of literature and poet, Professor John Pepper Clark on Thursday honoured the final wishes of the literary giant that his body should be interred within three days of his death without any form of fanfare.

    As the late Clark would want it, his body was committed to mother earth at exactly 11.30p.m., on Thursday in his island country home in Kiagbodo town, Delta State, after a brief lying in state for few family members.

    Clark was buried after few words of prayers by Pastor Ituah Ighodalo represented by Pastor Jolomi Guoti and Pastor Ken Okochu of Trinity House, while surrounded by his widow, children and few family members at the graveside near his parlour, which he had long prepared.

    According to family sources, the late Clark had specifically stated before death that he should be buried within three days of his transition and should not be kept in mortuary or taken to any place of worship for funeral service.

    The reknown late literary giant was given a peaceful burial also in accordance to his last wish, as only few family members were allowed into the house during the lying in state.

    Late JP Clark’s corpse earlier landed Kiagbodo main town at about 8:48 pm, before it was conveyed in a wooden boat to his house at JP Clark Creek Island in the outskirt of the community.

    The casket was carried by community youths from Delta State Government Ambulance that brought the literary icon from the Asaba International Airport.

    TheNewsGuru.com, TNG reports that the that Clark died on Tuesday in the comforting arms of his wife, children and siblings. He was younger brother to former Federal Commissioner for Information and South-South Leader, Chief Edwin Clark.

     

  • Duties of the wife -Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    A marriage is a union of a man and a woman (women in cases of polygamy), with the woman being the wife.

    Each spouse in a marriage has duties he/she has to fulfil for the marriage to run smoothly. Shirking of responsibilities by spouses is one of the major reasons why marriages fail.

    So, knowing and performing your marital duties is very important. I am talking essentially to young people preparing for, already in, marriage. We have mentioned some of these duties in passing over time, but today we want to focus on them. Incidentally this is one of the topics in our marriage class in my parish.

    Today, in line with the cliché, ladies first, we shall focus on the duties of the wife.
    The foremost duty of the wife is companionship. In Genesis 2:18, God said it is not good for man to be alone and for that major reason, created a wife, Eve, for Adam. Who is a companion? “A domestic partner;” “a person you spend a lot of time with often because you are friends or because you are travelling together.”

    A wife ought to be a companion for all seasons: times of laughter, sexual intimacy, during abundance; in lean times, sickness, health, pains, sorrow and so on and so forth.
    Beyond being a companion, the wife is also a helpmate. And God said, “I will make a helper suitable for him (Gen 2:18). A helpmate is a person who provides needed help and assistance.

    A wife ought to assist the husband when necessary. For instance, the husband is supposed to be the provider, the bread winner, of the family, but it is no longer a secret that many men are financially incapacitated due to economic or health reasons. Where the husband is unable to fully provide for the family, the wife should help out. If, for instance, the monthly family expenditure is N300,000 and the man can only provide N200,000, the wife should help out if he has the resources.

    If, for any reason, the man cannot meet up with the children’s school fees or house rent, the wife should help out if she has the resources. I heard of a case where the caretaker of the building kept harassing the man to pay his rent, which was overdue. The man almost had a stroke. The man later found out that the house actually belonged to his wife. That is witchcraft.

    The wife is also the lover of the husband. This is also at the foundation of marriage. After a couple has been joined as husband and wife, the marriage is still not complete until it is consummated. Consummation of marriage means “full sexual intercourse between married persons after their marriage by the insertion of the penis into the vagina. Inability to consummate because of impotence or refusal to consummate is a ground for nullity of the marriage.” Beyond consummation, subsequently, whether for pleasure or procreation, the wife remains a lover of her husband.

    For Christians, the bible expressly states that the woman’s body does not belong to her alone, but her husband. The bible further states that the wife cannot deny her husband sex except by mutual consent. It is wrong for a wife to use sex as a weapon or bargaining power. In marriage sex must be freely given and received.

    Wives should handle the issue of sex in marriage with care. For instance, if you are not in the mood, but your husband is, surrender his thing to him. If you like, lie down like a wood, he will still pleasure himself and get his ejaculation, the climax of sex. Many married people – men and women – have gone to their graves prematurely because they denied their spouses sex. As the bible says, do not deny your spouse sex, except by mutual consent. Husbands take it hard when their wives deny them sex. Wives, let denial or abstinence be mutual.

    The bible enjoins couples to “go ye into the world and multiply. Gen. 1:28.” Husbands and wives must come together before procreation can take place, but the responsibility of carrying the pregnancy rests totally with the wife. Spouses do support each other in other duties, but a husband cannot help his wife carry a pregnancy.

    He can only provide moral support, like helping her to unbuckle and remove her footwear, doing domestic chores, running errands, helping out the children like getting them ready for school, etc.

    We are in very difficult times economically. Many men have lost their sources of livelihood. The Corona Virus has further shifted the goalpost in a way many breadwinners are yet to come to terms with.

    A friend recently told me that in the town where he lives, wives have taken over as breadwinners because many husbands have lost their bearing in the midst of the multiple economic summersault.

    This is a wonderful gesture on the part of the women, but I plead with the wives not to rob it in. Very few things break a man harder than being unable to provide for his family: inability to pay rent, school fees and provide money for food. If your husband is in this category, he is already broken.

    Please do not rub it in. show understanding, show love, encourage him. The only husband, who should be an irritant is the one who is down and is not making efforts to get back on his feet; husbands, who stretch their legs from morning to night in front of television and husbands, who do fine boy upandown with no desire to be economically useful. Such men do not have my sympathy. Anything dem see for marriage make dem take.

    Your home is a domestic church and the wife is the asst. parish priest or assistant pastor. A good wife should be prayerful and help build a praying family. She should use her prayers to cover herself, her husband and her children. In many homes, the husbands do not even realise that they are parish priest or pastors of their domestic church. Any wife in such a situation should become the de facto parish priest or pastor. Do not leave any vacuum.
    One of the things a husband craves most in life is respect.

    Wives should respect their husbands. Another thing husbands crave is peace of mind. A good wife ought to give her husband peace of mind. There should be no nagging. On a Saturday, if the man is watching soccer, especially his team, please let him be unless it is a matter of life and death.

    In 1982, a man threw his wife through their first or second floor apartment in Europe (West Germany, East Germany, Holland or Austria) because of soccer. The match was the classic World Cup quarter final match between Italy and Brazil and the wife kept changing the channel. Allow your husband watch his soccer.

    Last week, we treated extensively the duty of the wife as the chief cook of the house, so we shall not go there today. But there are other duties, including shared duties like parenting. We shall focus on the major ones when treating duties of the husband.

  • Family sacks’mother of 8-year old rape victim for seeking justice

    Family sacks’mother of 8-year old rape victim for seeking justice

    Ifeyinwa Ezukamma, a 40-year old mother of five has been chased out of her matrimonial home by her husband’s family, for insisting on justice for her 8-year-old daughter, raped by her tenant.

    Ezukamma told newsmen that the incident took place in their country home, Ogidi, Idemili North Council Area of Anambra.

    She said though she caught the suspect, who claimed to be 57 years old in the act on July 23, she claimed the man had been violating her daughter since March.

    The woman, who had since packed to her relatives’ home, alleged that her husband had been compromised, and therefore warned her not to pursue the matter because it would bring disgrace to their family.

    “I noticed an unusual noise and movement in the bathroo. So out of curiosity I went to check if everything was normal, to my amazement, it was a tenant in our house, an old man was having sex with my daughter.

    “I called my daughter and asked her what happened, she said the old man had been raping her for some months and had threatened to kill her if she told anybody about it, that was why she did not tell me,” she said.

    Ezukamma alleged that her husband collected money and asked her to do same, and her travail started when she refused, insisting that she would get justice for her daughter.

    She said the family chased her and took away her teenage daughters from her for insisting on bringing disgrace to the family and reporting the matter to a child rights organisation, after the matter was reported at a police station.

    “It was my insistence to pursue this matter that led to my husband and his family asking me to leave my matrimonial home, taking my children away from me.

    “I said I will not collect money to stop pursuing justice for my little daughter that was raped,“ she said.

    Preliminary reports from Iyi-Enu Mission Hospital, Ogidi, where the child was taken to on Aug. 4, and examined, showed that there was penetration, but noted that the private hospital where she was taken to on the date of the incident, did not carryout physical examination of the child.

    The document signed by Dr Madubuike Chinelo said the history was sturdily suggestive of sexual abuse.

    “The episode had happened up to five times prior to the most recent encounter.

    “The examination done in the presence of a chaperon showed there was hypereamia of the vaginal mucosa, no obvious vaginal discharge and a hymen, that had already been tampered with, the client was placed on some drugs for the vaginitis,” it stated.

    Child Right Brigade International (CRIB), an NGO said the matter was reported to its office on Aug. 12.

    CRIB vowed to resist any cover up; and would ensure that the suspect was charged to court and prosecuted.

    Obiora Nnaemeka, Coordinator of CRIB in Anambra, said the information the organisation gathered was that the father of the victim, Mr Alex Ezukamma, collected some money to get strike out the case from the police.

    Nnaemeka said CRIB had written the Divisional Police Officer at Ogidi Station to effect the arrest of the suspect and the father of the child, and bring up the matter for investigation and prosecution.

    He said this would serve as deterrent for other would-offenders and stem the tide of rising rape and pedophilia in the society

    On his part, the father of the victim, confirmed to newsmen that his daughter was raped and that the man had been arrested, detained and granted bail.

    He added that the suspect had also been warned not to return to the house.

    Ezukamma denied collecting any form of gratification for his raped daughter, saying though he was a pagan, he would never touch such such money, but would prefer to do some cleansing.

    He said his family were not in support of the wife’s push for prosecution because of the shame it would bring to the family and the stigma it would leave on his daughter.

    “She disobeyed me, and my elders and junior ones order not to drag our family name into the mud, and the shame it will bring to us and our daughter, that is why I asked her to leave my house.

    “My wife can go to any length she wishes, but our name must not be involved,” he said.

    When contacted, CSP Remigus Ekuri, DPO, Ogidi, confirmed the incident and said the matter would be charged to court as soon as the medical report was available.

  • Creating a safe home for the children – Ozioma Onyeweaku

    Creating a safe home for the children – Ozioma Onyeweaku

    By Ozioma Onyeweaku

    It is no longer news that greater number of sexual abuses happen in the homes. We all weep at the fact that the homes are no longer safe for the children. One other case of serious concern going on in homes is sibling incest.

    This happens where an older or more powerful child bullies or seduces the younger or weaker sister or brother into sexual acts. This, I must tell you, is on the increase; more so with the effect of internet.

    Many children have access to nasty sites on internet where they are exposed to sexual acts. These children, after watching the ugly sites, tend to turn to their siblings to practice what they have seen on those sites. This is in addition to all other incest that go on in the family with uncles, fathers, cousins and so on.

    Another frightening one is where house helps, as a way of getting back at their employers would force the children to engage in sexual acts with one another. One such instance was brought to my attention where a house help, a young man, made the children of his master to engage in all manner of sexual act with themselves.

    He had the whole episodes recorded. He turned around using the videos he had made of them to blackmail them. It was later discovered that he was having his way with the underage girl. The girl’s siblings were forced to keep quiet to avoid him releasing the videos to their parents. Imagine the agony of the children and their parents.

    It is said that prevention is better than cure. Some situations don’t even have a cure thereby making prevention the only option. Child sexual abuse is one of those situations that we must prevent as there is no cure. Once the damage is done, it is done.

    Creating and maintaining a safe home environment is a sure practical way of safeguarding the children from sexual abuse.

    One good way of starting off creating a safe home is by creating a loving family with open lines of communication. A family where members treat one another with love, kindness, respect and dignity; and everyone is there for the other. Such a home inculcates true values to the children, and does away with traditional notions of masculinity which gives boys the idea that they can take what they want, and when they want it. Both sexes are raised with a balance view of each other. No superior. No inferior. A home where there is constant and loving communication, every member, particularly children, feels very free to speak from the heart. When a member is hurt outside he or she runs quickly home knowing that he or she would get sympathy, support and care from the home.

    It is difficult to convince a child from such a home to keep secret from the parents.

    To create a safe home, parents must be involved in the affairs of their children. Monitor what they do; and provide safeguards in the areas of TV and internet. Relationships are defined, and limits drawn.

    To further create a safe home, I always recommend this practice session for the family:

    The scenario to paint for your girl for the practice session:

    Let’s say, Rose is a 7-year old girl. Her favourite uncle comes visiting. Rose mother has gone to the market. Rose is alone with this her uncle that she is very fond of. While alone with Rose, the uncle tries touching Rose’ private part. What do you think Rose should do to keep safe? If you were Rose what would you do?

    Then demonstrate for her how she can boldly say “No! don’t touch me!”, and how to run away while screaming. Let the children demonstrate the escape route several times.

    Every member of the family and all in the family, both males and females, should be present and participate in this practice session each time it holds. The benefit of having everyone in the family present at the practice session is that by participating, all in the family are assuring the children that they too are concerned about their safety; and that they will not molest them. And should anyone in the family attempt to molest, the child will be quick to remind the person of the practice session. Try it today.

  • Who goes first – Francis Ewherido

    Who goes first – Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    A friend and big brother had a private birthday celebration for his wife recently. In the course of the ceremony, he spoke glowingly about his wife and prayed for her. He also prayed for long life for both of them. What struck me most during the prayer was when he called the wife by her pet name and told her that: “…I am seven years older than you are. I came before you, so I pray that I go before you.”

    Three days later, we (my ward and I) took the empty domestic gas cylinders for refilling. I noticed that the man whose cylinder was filled before ours was apprehensive. I probed; he then confessed that he is never comfortable anywhere there is gas. “That’s why I don’t go to the kitchen; ask my wife.”
    He gestured to his wife who was nearby. Then the prayer at the birthday came flooding back.

    One husband is praying that he dies before his wife. Here, another husband does not go into his kitchen because he is scared of being killed by gas explosion. But it is okay for the wife to go into the kitchen and possibly get killed by gas explosion and die before him. Okay, maybe he was not thinking along that line, but if you are scared of gas explosion, you should find a holistic solution to minimise or eliminate the risk for your entire family and not a selfish solution that saves only you. This man is not likely to pray the kind of prayers my friend prayed.

    The two incidents got me thinking: husband and wife, who should die first, all things being equal? Like my friend, I pray for long life, but when the time comes, I certainly want to go before my wife. I am older. Over time, I have found out that wives tend to cope better when they are predeceased by their husbands. This is especially so if the family is well off. Many widows in their 50s upward never bother to remarry. I even know some whose husbands died when the wives were in their 30s and 40s. They simply poured all their resources and energies into bringing up their children.

    But the same cannot be said of men. Bereavement disorganises many men. Basic things like preparing meals and organising the home become mountainous tasks. That is one of the major reasons why most men remarry when they lose their wives. They remarry to bring back order to their lives. But these new marriages come with their own packages. You have to learn to understand and live happily with a new spouse.

    Sometimes it is not an easy task. It is a question of you win some and you lose some. Some men win more, when the chemistry with the new wife is better than the chemistry with the deceased wife. On the other hand, some men lose more when the new wife is an introduction to hell. I have heard widowers lament that they did not know what pushed them into a second marriage.

    Issues can also come with the age of the new wife. If the woman is of childbearing age, she wants to have her own children rather than just help to bring up the children of the late wife. That is why some widowers in their 60s upwards simply look for older women (widows, singles and divorced), who have passed childbearing age, to marry. They do not want the hassle of having new babies. There is a time for everything, some will readily remind you. They just want a companion, lover and helpmate to help sort out the home front.

    Talking about lovers, sex drive has some correlation with age, so marrying a much younger woman can sometimes lead to sex urge misalignment. I heard a sad story from a friend some time ago about his uncle. About two years after his wife died, the septuagenarian uncle married a young girl in her 20s. They had two children together.

    Not long after, the young lady started an affair; then her escapades became brazen and very embarrassing, not only to the husband, but to the whole family. A family meeting was called. Before everyone, she justified her action with a claim that her husband is “dead,” he could not muster an erection, not to talk of making love to her. So what did they expect a young girl like her to do? She had to get young blood to meet her sexual needs.

    Whether it is the fact that she made the husband’s condition public or the callous way she said it, my friend is not sure, but the humiliation was too much for the uncle. Shortly after, he suffered a stroke and died two years later. I do not support adultery, but I feel older men should examine themselves very well before marrying much younger women. New wine and old wineskin should be handled with care. Be careful before your much younger wife uses “harder, harder” to hasten your journey to your grave.

    Some widowers who remarried have had to deal with situations where their new wives maltreat their children under their nose. Some wives convert these children to maids in their father’s homes. There have been reported cases where the fathers turned a blind eye to the wrongdoings of the wives, while it is a major source of friction between spouses in some homes. Some fathers, however, take sides with their wives.

    We also have children who will not accept the reality that their mother is no more and the father must move on with his life. They see their stepmother as a usurper and antagonise her.

    There are men who are miserable today because their houses have been turned into Fuji House of Commotion because of the quarrels between their children and their stepmothers. Some men are today estranged from the children from their first marriages because they remarried after the demise of their first wives. It takes more than a very firm man to manage these situations; you simply need the grace of God.

    As we know, all things are scarcely equal in life, so death does not follow chronological age. Anybody can go first. Nobody, except those who commit suicide, knows when s/he will die. But husbands tend to die first before the wives and it is not necessarily age-related. Many men blame it on the vagaries of life that ultimately take their toll on the men. It is like lions and lionesses. Most lions in the wild live for about 10 years, while lionesses live for about 14 years.

    While the lionesses enjoy the relative safety and comfort of the pride, the lions leave the pride at adolescence, wonder for a couple of years, and when they are strong enough, look for a pride to take over. Thereafter, they spend the rest of their lives defending their pride and territory until they are overthrown by younger and stronger lions. Then they wonder off again until they die of hunger, from injuries and, in rare cases, old age.

    But we are humans, not lions, and we must take good care of ourselves. With insecurity, bad roads, poor medical facilities, etc., there are no guarantees to a long life, but let us at least give ourselves a fighting chance.

    Back to the question, who goes first after God has given a couple long life? For me, the older spouse should go first, provided the other spouse is in a better physical shape. However, God, who is all-knowing, has the final say.

  • Run your race, maintain your lane – Francis Ewherido

    Run your race, maintain your lane – Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    A few Saturdays ago, a friend was doing his usual exercise around his estate. Another man, who was also doing his work out, breezed past him. The other man was walking faster.

    For every three laps (about 350 metres) he did, the other man overtook him. By the time he did 13 laps and 40 minutes, he retired, feeling very fulfilled, to have his bath. When he got home, his wife even greeted him, adding to his sense of fulfilment.

    But the other guy did 40 or more laps. He started before my friend and my friend retired before him. The other guy appeared older, which puts him in his early 60s, while my friend is 57 years. My friend could easily have been sad because an older person looked fitter, more agile and has more stamina. But not him; he planned to do only 30 minutes and ended up doing 40 minutes. He wanted to do only 10 laps and ended up doing 13.

    These were his targets, and capacity, and he felt much fulfilled achieving and surpassing them. Whatever the other man did was inconsequential to him.
    As we talked, my mind wondered off. It is such situations that are fuelling avoidable high blood pressure, stroke, depression and suicide in our society. We live in a competitive world, no doubt, but life is not always like competitive sports, where there are winners and losers, with the accompanying celebrations of triumph and agony of defeat.

    Life, much of the time, can be win/win for everyone. God created everyone a winner. It all boils down to knowing why God created you. It starts with finding your purpose in life. Someone asked, “How can I know why God created me.

    I see God ask?” You do not have to physically see God. If you look into your life, your passions, your talents and those positive things you love doing, your purpose is somewhere within? This is how God shows many of us our purpose. All you need to do is clean up, chip and polish the rough diamond and the dots begin to connect. Certainly, God will not come down to help you develop your talents or passions.

    Once you know your purpose and what you want, you run your life’s race and maintain your lane. This mind-set permeates all aspects of your life. Too many people benchmark their lives against the lives of others without their own parameters. We are in a global village, so I am not advocating living your life in a watertight compartment. You must learn and borrow a few things from people around you, our immediate environment and far-flung people and places via audio-video sources and written words. But when that is done, there is a fundamental core, which has been formed in line with your life’s purpose. This fundamental core determines what you read or watch, what you accept or reject and guides your entire decision making process.

    Consequently, before you set out on a journey/mission, you should have goals, which of course must be SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-defined). These goals, and not the accomplishments of others, become your compass. Even after you set your SMART goals, it is not a do-or-die affair. We set goals as humans, but we sometimes do not know what God wants for us.

    I believe that misalignment of the human wishes and divine providence sometimes prevents us from achieving some of our goals. Unfortunately, this has also become a reason for depression, pain, anger, disappointment and, in extreme cases depression, death via heart attacks and other ailments and suicide. After doing your homework and putting in your best and things do not work out, what do you do? Disappointment and pains are normal, but, for me, seek the face of God, lift and dust yourself up and move on. Dem nor dey die put. I nor get shoe, I nor get shoe, you never see people when nor even get leg to wear shoe?

    In running your life’s race, if your goal is to build a bungalow. Once you achieve that, case closed. You do not worry about somebody else whose goal is to build a mansion and has achieved his goal. As far as goal setting is concerned, you are both winners. If you decide to also build a mansion later, it is now a new goal. If your goal is to have only three children and you have achieved it, do not look in the way of your neighbour with six children. Do you know what it takes to properly house, feed, clothe, educate and generally provide for six children in these very good times?

    If your ambition is to drive a Honda Accord and you now have it, do not bother about that other road user who glided past you effortlessly in his Range Rover Sport. Na so the matter just be. The most important things are: do you know your purpose in this life? Have you set goals to achieve your life’s purpose? Do you set goals for all your activities and work towards achieving these goals?

    People worry themselves over nothing. Your neighbour’s children attend a primary school where they pay N2m per annum and your children attend a primary where you pay N500,000 per annum and it becomes an issue and a source of worry. Sometimes spouses fight over this non-issue. One spouse might feel that the neighbours’ children, who are attending a more expensive school, are superior to his/her children.

    y question, “wetin primary one and two children dey learn sef? And this one you are killing yourself, what about the children attending government schools? You think the children in private schools will be better than them in future? Wait and see. Please study your children’s character and help them to evolve to become successful instead of worrying yourself over nothing.

    Another factor that helps people to run their race and maintain their lane is contentment. Your penis is six inches when erect. It is performing all the functions it was created for optimally. Yet, you still feel inadequate. You want it to be 12 inches. Who are you going to be mating with, a horse? It is because of people like you that the “miracle” penis enlargers have mushroomed all over the place. By the way, I have not been seeing their adverts like before.

    I guess the Corona Virus Pandemic has taken penis enlargement from the zenith of men’s hierarchy of needs. Some women have also had their natural bums destroyed because of bum enlargements that went horribly wrong. Also, some people have died in the process of doing tummy tuck.
    When you know your race, run it and keep to your lane, you run a good race and live a fruitful and fulfilling life. It is your race, so whenever you finish, you come first. Everybody, who runs his race, comes first. Only those, who run other people’s race come second, third…….behind owners of the race.