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Tag: Francis Ewherido

  • The heart of a wo(man) – By Francis Ewherido

    The heart of a wo(man) – By Francis Ewherido

    “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, KJV). “There is no art to find the mind’s construction in the face” – Shakespeare. In simple English, Shakespeare is saying that it is not possible to know what is going on in people’s minds just by looking at their faces. Experts say that a person’s face can reveal a person’s inner mind in the following situations: anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, surprise, amusement, awe, concentration, confusion, contempt, contentment, desire, disappointment, doubt, elation, interest, pain, surprise and triumph. Both Shakespeare and the experts are correct. It is possible to know what goes on in people’s minds from facial expressions: when they are happy, sad, surprised, and so on.  But the face only reflects what goes on in people’s minds when they are genuine or they want you to know what is in their minds. If it were not so, Brutus would not have been able to kill Caesar because Caesar would have known. So many betrayals, murders, fraud, etc., that have taken place would not have happened. Also, sometimes people trust others and it is the trust that is betrayed; that is why these murders, fraud and other heinous acts happen. Unfortunately, the mind’s construction and facial countenance will continue to be different sometimes. People will continue to trust and so evil will continue to triumph sometimes.

    Last weekend, we read the story of one Anita Ofili, who confessed to killing her friend, Glory Okon, because the deceased snatched her boyfriend 10 years ago! There are many lessons for us to learn in this matter. Anita alleged that Glory snatched her boyfriend, whom she believed would marry her. For me, any man/woman, who is very serious about marrying you, cannot be easily snatched from you. If he can be snatched from you, then he was never meant for you. He is simply not good enough for you. The bond between you and someone that is meant for you is usually very strong. It is not something anyone can easily break. I do not know what gave Anita the assurance that the guy would marry her. Ten years is enough time for the guy to realize that he made a mistake by going with Glory. It is enough time for him to come back to his senses and crawl back to beg for forgiveness. He never did and you still believed Glory was the problem? Glory never was. You have simply been living in illusion.

    The next thing I want to talk about is the basis of Anita’s sense of entitlement. I went to the supermarket to buy an item one day. I did not know that the supermarket had only one left. As I was moving towards the item, a young lady increased her steps, got there before me and picked it. When I asked the salesgirl for the item, she said they were out of stock. I was disappointed and pissed off with the lady who got there before me. She apparently knew it was the last item. But did I feel she stole anything from me? Hell, no! That is how I see it if someone snatches your boyfriend/girlfriend. He/She is not your property. In Nigeria, you can only lay claim to a woman when you have paid the bride price, done traditional marriage, civil marriage or the marriage has been solemnized in church. These are the ceremonies that confer ownership on you. Your girlfriend or boyfriend is a product on the shelf. A faster finger can snatch him/her. There are scarcely virgins getting married anymore. These days, your fiancé/fiancée is either someone’s ex or current boyfriend or girlfriend whom you took off the shelf, so? That is not to say I support snatching of the girlfriends or boyfriend of your friends. It is morally reprehensible. It is a betrayal of trust, but it is not stealing. Only what belongs to you in this situation can be stolen.

    But even if you are the owner, you have no right to take laws into your hands. Talk to men with beautiful wives and women with handsome or rich husbands. Their spouses get propositioned before their very eyes, but if they took laws into their hands, they would have been in jail for murder, homicide or manslaughter. Dem no dey die or kill for this matter. You simply take your property and walk away. You also pray for your spouse to live his/her marital vows or at least respect you.

    The last issue I want to talk about is bearing of grudges. Anita alleged that Glory snatched her boyfriend 10 years ago. For 10 years, the incident remained evergreen in her memory. Anita is not a marriage material. Without a spirit of forgiveness, marriage cannot work. It is not only marriage but relationships generally. We all have been wronged by friends and family members at some point and vice versa. You might even forgive a person who wronged you, but you do not have to be friends anymore because of self-preservation, the belief that if you give some people a second chance, they will strike again. It is understandable to keep them at arm’s length, but to take life is a no-go area.

    It is not just that Anita stabbed Glory, it looks like she did it with an intent to kill. Of all the places in the body, she stabbed her in the neck. If I may ask, which man would marry a woman who has a tendency to kill when she is angry? The truth is that husbands are very vulnerable. Your wife brings food and you eat; no questions asked. Once you hit your bed after a hard day’s work, you sleep off and you are oblivious of what happens until you wake up. So, a diligent man would not marry someone like Anita.

    Back to what is on in the mind and facial expressions, many people are adept at deception. As a rule, you cannot call everyone you know your friend. You must know your friends to a reasonable extent. You should know their likes and dislikes, their strong points and their failings, etc. For instance, you can have a friend who is very nice and supportive, but weak with women. What you simply do is keep your wife and grown up daughters far from him. If your friend is not good with money, do not engage in any business transactions with him. It can end up destroying the friendship. There are people you would not do business with because of previous financial infidelity.

    If your friend is the envious type, do not tell him/her your plans and accomplishments. Some people are terrible, they are never contented with what they have. Their eyes are always on their friends or neighbours and their successes. They forget that these people are also dealing with challenges. Nobody has it all. No man is six feet, tall, handsome, has a beautiful and homely wife, well-behaved children, happy family, flourishing business, perfect health and every other good thing, all at once.  You simply win some and you lose some. Contentment with your state of being is the name of the game.

  • Own your Easter – By Francis Ewherido

    Own your Easter – By Francis Ewherido

    Last Sunday was Palm Sunday. Yesterday was Good Friday. Today is Holy Saturday and tomorrow is Easter Sunday. The season of lent with the Holy Week officially ends today. Beyond the significance of the Holy Week, it reminds us of various aspects of our lives: our triumphs, sacrifices, self-denials, delayed gratifications, stooping to conquer, achieving goals and the fulfilment that comes with achieving these goals, and wearing the crown of victory at the end of the race. 

    Many of us have had times in our lives when we were celebrated. Some held positions which enabled them to dispense favours. At festive times like this, gifts and goodwill messages come in torrents; hampers and greeting cards would be everywhere. 

    Our phones are permanently busy when holding high positions. Our waiting rooms in the office are filled from morning until close of work. During our birthdays, birthday adverts would flood the newspapers. This goes on and on until we leave our positions. Then the triumphal entry jubilations and the hosanna come to an end as it did for Jesus after the triumphant entry. That is the fate that awaits some governors and some others holding political positions after May 29. In some government houses, the number of visitors and favour-seekers has started reducing. On their next birthday, the only birthday adverts you will see are from family members and grateful beneficiaries of the man’s goodwill while in office. The majority of those who benefited simply move on just as some of the Jews moved on. 

    It happens to people in the private sector too. Some of the celebrated CEOs of big companies in the past now live lonely lives. A few have even cried out aloud in newspapers of being abandoned by friends. Not to worry, Jesus was denied and abandoned at a critical time. People taste this bitter pill in varying degrees at some point in life.

    Before you get to a position where you would be celebrated, you would have made sacrifices and stooped conquer, just as Jesus did. At some points in life, you suffer rejection and get humiliated. You are forced to eat humble pies and do so many things you would ordinarily not do just to achieve your goals. Marketers and insurance agents are very familiar with what I am talking about. Basically, no pain, no gain. Jesus exemplified this by dying on the cross to save mankind. But if he had not risen on the third day, his sufferings and death would have amounted to nothing. Jesus arose from the dead and that is the monumental event we shall celebrate tomorrow. After our toils, sufferings, humiliation, let us also experience our own Easter. Own your Easter so that your joy would be complete.

    NUDE PREGNANT WOMEN  

    The first time I saw it, I was thrown off balance. I had never seen anything like it and I did not even know how to react. A pregnant married Nigerian woman posing nude for the whole world to see? Where are her in-laws? What about her family? Where is her husband? Why am I asking? I have seen photos with the husbands, also naked or partly naked on social media. Who took photos alongside their pregnant spouses? They were probably taken by professional photographers because many of them were taken in the studio and look like a pro job.  The women use their hands to cover their privates to confer modesty on full blown nudity. That is unnecessary. Your bulging tummy has already covered your privates.

    Make no mistake about it, these women are not trying to bring back those days when our forebears wore just enough to cover their privates. This trend is an imported culture. Here you know we import foreign cultures wholesale; the good, the bad and the very ugly. I noticed nude pregnant photos first with foreign celebrities. The first recorded celebrity to pose nude while pregnant is Demi Moore. Others like Mariah Carey, Serena Williams and not surprising Kourtney Kardashian of the Kardashian Clan have posed nude while pregnant. They were paid huge fees or they wanted the world to know that they are carrying the pregnancy, not going into motherhood through surrogate mothers. You know anything celebrities touch spreads like harmattan fire. Before long, it became a fashion trend. That is what some pregnant women in Nigeria are currently copying. 

    But do they need to prove that they are pregnant by going nude? I don’t think so. An aunt of mine, my father’s cousin, got pregnant at 48years when the world had given up on her. She travelled all the way from Warri to Ozoro, where we were living then, lifted her blouse to show my mother the good news and that it was real, not clothes stuffed around her body to make her look pregnant. The wife of my mother’s cousin also did the same thing. She had also been written off as barren. She wanted my mother to be an “oseri” (witness) just in case a Doubting Thomas arose. That was how women proved in my time that they were pregnant, not nudity.

    Beyond herd mentality, maybe they want people feel they are stunning while pregnant. They are always well groomed and their skins glow. They probably also want to change the mind-set of some people that the only beautiful thing about a pregnant woman is the baby growing in her womb. I had that mind-set too, but before you crucify me here me out. In those days of communal life, there were women who looked terrible during pregnancy. They were dishevelled and spat all over the area where they sat or laid down. Some of them had difficult pregnancies though. 

    Before then, I had bad experiences with pregnant women. When I was under five years old (I am very sure because I had not started primary school), what can be termed child abuse in today’s world happened a few times. When my mother was not around, one pregnant neighbour took me to her house and locked the door for what seemed like eternity then. She said that she wanted the unborn baby to look like me. How? My DNA dey there? Another pregnant woman would deliberately stretch out her legs for me to walk across them when I am passing. We were brought up to believe that it is a taboo and must be undone by walking across the outstretched legs again in the opposite direction. When I tried to do that, she would refuse. Breaking a taboo was very distressing for my young mind. So I grew up suspicious of pregnant women. I considered them ugly, unkempt and wicked. Never mind it did not apply to my mother because she was different. In truth, I was anxious when I was preparing to get married. I wondered if I would be able to love my wife when she is pregnant. After six pregnancies (we lost one) it’s much ado about nothing. 

    Back to the nude pregnant women. I am old fashioned. I will never get used to it. But in a world where relativism reigns, does it really matter what my opinion is? Enjoy the Easter celebration and holiday.

  • The insanity called incest – By Francis Ewherido

    The insanity called incest – By Francis Ewherido

    Two stories in The Newsguru caught my attention last weekend: “Man Impregnates 19-year-old daughter in Ogun” and “Anambra Govt. rescues 12-year-old girl allegedly defiled by her father.” Basically these two men allegedly (because they have not been convicted) committed incest. The dictionary defines incest as “sexual relations between people classed as being too closely related to marry each other” and “The crime of having sexual intercourse with a parent, child, sibling, or grandchild” and so forth.

    The two stories did not catch my attention because they are new or unexpected; incest has become a regular occurrence in our society, unfortunately. They caught my attention because these stories keep appearing and it is very difficult to get used to them. Incest is not just a “sin of sexual nature” like adultery and fornication, but it is a crime. It is more unsettling and repulsive. It is an oddity.  Our society finds it abominable, which is why it continues to make the news. More annoying is the fact that in most cases the men take advantage of the vulnerability of their daughters. In the first case, the man is separated from his wife and took custody of the daughter at some point. Men do this for three main reasons. One, they feel that they are in a better position to take care of their daughters. Second, they do not want the new men in their ex-wives’ lives to bring up their children. Three, some men fear that the step-father might take sexual advantage of their daughters. Many of such cases have been reported. Unfortunately, in this case the father turned around to do same thing. 

    My questions for the first man are: Why not re-marry like your ex-wife did if you cannot do without sex? Why should you use your own daughter to replace her mother as a sex partner? I am sorry to say it but patronizing prostitutes would have been more tolerable than sleeping with his daughter. It would not have been news, at least. She said that her father had been “sleeping with her since February 2022 with threats to kill her if she informed anybody about it.” Like the rest of these depraved men, he knew what he was doing was wrong, yet he carried on. And when he impregnated the daughter, he decided to pin the pregnancy on a young man. He apparently knew the young man had or was having sex with his daughter. It is also possible that he had the intention of using the young man as an alibi in the event of a pregnancy. I doubt if he is well read. He would have known something called deoxyribonucleic acid, DNA for short. 

    Just a little digression here. She confessed that the young man slept with her once, a position the young man and his family held on to for denying the pregnancy. Young people should realize that you do not need multiple sex to get pregnant or impregnate a girl. All that is needed is an insertion of the penis into the vagina and you risk getting pregnant or impregnating a girl out of marriage. The man does not even need to ejaculate inside the vagina to risk getting her pregnant because once the penis is inserted, some sperms “leak” out before ejaculation and only one sperm out of the multitude is needed to fertilise an ovum (egg) leading to pregnancy. I am reminding you just in case you forgot the reproduction you learnt in secondary school. Anyway, the father is responsible. He has confessed and blamed it on the usual fall guy, the devil. 

    In the second case, the Anambra State Government said it rescued a 12-year-old girl, alongside her two younger siblings, from their father, who allegedly defiles her. The accused allegedly presents himself as a Christian, who helps to solve his patrons’ spiritual problems, but he apparently has a dark side. Physician, heal thyself, you would say. The report said that he locked up his three children in a room for five years. He was accused of raping the 12-year-old and fingering the two younger siblings over time. He denied the accusations, but why lock them up for five years. Why are they not in school? The accused also claimed to be married to 11 wives but does not live with any of them. A husband to 11 women lives without any of them and is now is being accused of sexually molesting his three daughters. Interesting! I have asked this question before and I will ask again, what is sexually attractive about under aged children who have not reached puberty? Another useless father in another case gave the excuse that she met the daughter of about 20 lying “anyhow” when he came in and the devil (again?) made him to have sex with his own daughter. But for the fact that some people live in small accommodation, I would have said that if you know you lack self-control, why go your daughter’s room?

    All responsible fathers love their daughters a lot. But it is phillia love, which is devoid of passion and sexual impulse, and agape love (unconditional and selfless love). That is why such parents invest their time and resources to bring up their daughters to be successful and useful members of the society. Many of these beautiful girls have fathers who love (Phillia and agape) them immensely. Even when they do not have enough resources to go round, some fathers deny themselves and spend it on their children. That is what responsible fathers do.

    They do not bring up daughters that have been mentally and psychologically damaged due to incest. There are girls who hate men, but will not come out of the closet to tell you why. Some women have refused to get married because of sexual abuse by male relatives while they were younger. Look at the state of our health facilities that treat people with physical ailments. Then you can imagine what the state of health institutions that deal with mental and psychological issues would look like.

    How do we stem this ugly situation? Ordinarily, the law enforcement agencies and judiciary are our last hope. I am reliably informed by a lawyer friend, Barr. P. J. Osuji, that there are laws to punish offenders. In section 214 Criminal Code Cap 77 LFN 2004;

    “Any person who has carnal knowledge of any person against the order of nature; … is guilty of a felony, and is liable to imprisonment for fourteen years.” The Act further states the punishment for incest in section 214 (3) where it prescribes a minimum of fourteen (14) years in jail. Offences against morality are termed as felonies which carry a minimum of fourteen (14) years in jail. 

    If you investigate, you will find out that majority of incest cases are swept under the carpet at the family level. “The good name of the family must be protected.” “Let us not wash our dirty linen in public.” But what about the victims?

    The ultimate solution to incest is self-discipline. Take away your eros love (physical sexual desires) and lust far away from other family members. Restrict it to your spouse.

  • Like Lazarus, God “Resurrected” me – By Francis Ewherido

    Like Lazarus, God “Resurrected” me – By Francis Ewherido

    It took me a while to decide to write this article. One thought said, these are very private matters, keep them private. Another said, you have to tell your story in the midst of the pervasive hopelessness because the story might pull someone from the brink of suicide, another might see sunshine amidst darkness, and hope might replace hopelessness for someone. My eldest brother, Bishop Anthony Ovayero Ewherido, was the first to tell me to document my experience. Then some family members and friends did, but I was still undecided. Then it struck me, people go to church to give testimonies of getting visas, why not this “resurrection.” I was also scared God can punish me for keeping this miracle to myself. I had a change of mind at this point.

    It started in Ilesha, Osun State, on June 11, 2021. I was returning from the 2021 CEO Conference of the Nigerian Council of Registered Insurance Brokers (NCRIB). As I was climbing down the hotel staircase with my bag, I felt pains on my knees, but I was not bothered because I felt it was caused by the extra weight. Shortly after the journey commenced, I started feeling feverish. At the outskirts of Ibadan, we stopped and I took pain killers. By the time we got to Lagos, my situation had gotten so bad that I abandoned the burial I was rushing down from Ilesha to attend and headed home. I saw my doctor later who prescribed drugs for me. Two day later, I was lying down at home when I felt sharp and excruciating pains on my right knee as if someone was stabbing me persistently with a knife. This was followed by seizure, then an indescribable emptiness and then all was still.

    When I regained consciousness about 30 minutes later, I was lying down in the hospital with our assistant parish priest administering anointing of the sick on me. My wife filled in the gaps. My doctor suggested that I do a brain scan. She felt the problem might be from the brain. I did the MRI scan and there it was: meningioma (brain tumour). I was shattered. I wept like a baby.
    The neurosurgeons I was referred to told me that surgery to remove the tumour was the best solution. It was a tough decision to make. I have to sign documents absolving the hospital and its staff from liability in the event of death or permanent disability. I signed, while my wife signed as witness. The surgery to remove the tumour went well, but life-threatening complications followed: there was liquid in my brain which they needed to drain out and my cranium pressure had risen to 40, which is 100 percent above the normal pressure. Three more surgeries were done in quick succession, all to save my life. I was in coma that stretched beyond what the doctors anticipated. There was real anxiety at some point among the medical personnel that I might not make it. A meeting was organised among the medical team and my wife, my immediate elder brother and immediate younger brother. My other brothers were excluded. My eldest brother, Bishop Anthony Ewherido wanted to spare them the agony. Though it was meant to give a situation report, I feel they also wanted to prepare them in the event that I did not make it.

    After six weeks and four days in coma, I moved a finger. Thereafter, I gradually regained consciousness. I still do not have the desire to watch the video taken after I regained consciousness. I have also not looked at the photos taken while I was in coma. They are heart wrenching. While I was in coma, the doctors also had to deal with lung infection. When I regained consciousness I noticed plasters around my right rib cage. I asked and my wife explained that it was from there they drained fluid from my lungs when I was in coma due to the infection.
    It was the height of COVID-19 and protecting me was a tough task. They changed my ward about four times due to the upsurge in the number of COVID-19 patients. In the course of changing wards, I was allocated a bed space by the window and I was exposed to cold. I contracted pneumonia. When the coughing and sneezing got too much, the hospital quarantined me. I remained quarantined until we were moved to another ward where I got a room to myself. These were very trying times.

    When I got out of coma, I could not talk coherently. I also partly lost my memory. I forgot my date of birth and all my passwords. I even forgot that my brother, Sen Akpor Pius Ewherido, was dead. When I did not hear from him, I asked why my usually very caring brother had not reached out to me since I became ill. My wife reminded me he was dead. It was like breaking the news to me. I wept.

    Physiotherapy had to start almost immediately. The physiotherapists told me to recite A,B,C,D… 1,2,3,4. I felt insulted and almost rebelled, but I relented. Then I started reciting and got stuck. I had forgotten some alphabets and numbers. I had to learn how to recite alphabets and numbers like a kindergarten pupil. Thank God I did because while in hospital, I was having issues with my eyes and they needed to find out if the tumour had affected my eyes. If I had not learnt how to recite the alphabets, I would have stumbled when the optometrist told me to recite the alphabets on the board.

    My legs were a different kettle of fish. They had been compromised due to inactivity while in coma. I could not stand not to talk of walk. I had to learn how to stand and walk. I started by going around in a wheelchair, then moved on to other gadgets before ending up with a walking stick. It was a tortuous journey. I fell a number a times due to my weak right knee. The news would travel round that I fell and send anxiety among hospital staff because my head and brain were not supposed to hit anywhere. The fall that amused me most was when I was urinating into the bottle. I forgot and put weight on my right leg. In a flash of a second I hit the floor and fell under the table. Instead of protecting my head, I hung on to the bottle to prevent urine from spilling on me. For about three months, my brain was open and unprotected; covered only with bandages to prevent infections.

    One evening, I was on the bed when I suffered a massive seizure that seemed to last for eternity. I was shaken to my foundation. The hospital staff were running helter-skelter. By the time calm returned, my right arm and leg were numb, worsening the issues with my right knee. By my next physiotherapy appointment, I could not hold a pen to write. My fingers were numb. Twice they told to me write a prose, twice I failed to go beyond the first paragraph. Even when they said I should write on a simple topic, my family, I did not fare any better. I had to plead with the physiotherapist that she was pushing me too hard.

    The seizure really devastated me. Initially I thought it was a stroke. At that point, I said that is it. There is no need to live anymore. My situation was already precarious; to add stroke was too much for me. They had to do another MRI scan and assured me that it was a seizure and not stroke. But the effect of the seizure persisted. Thereafter, I would hold food in my hands to eat. I would not even know it had fallen off my hand. I lost over 10kg.

    Before being discharged, they did a fifth brain surgery to cover my brain. About 17 months after the brain surgeries, my knees kept deteriorating. I was back in the hospital for knee surgery on both knees. It was inevitable because I was not functional. In all fairness, I had pre-existing conditions. The inactivity when I was in coma and the three months and two weeks stay in hospital only aggravated the condition of the knees. To the glory of God, I have achieved 99.9 per cent brain recovery. My body has also healed substantially.
    That has been my story in the last 20 months. That was why the column disappeared suddenly for over a year. As Apostle Paul wrote, I was afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed ( 2 Corinthians 4:8–9 ). Many have been my afflictions, but the Lord God delivered me from them all (Psalm 34:19).

    I remain very grateful to God for the outcome of this unbelievable journey. In the past I have shared some of my health challenges on this space to encourage others, but I was not keen on sharing this. I broke down three times while writing. It is quite a very long story. I am documenting the details in a book, but I have been too lazy to complete it.

  • The Plight of Widowers – By Francis Ewherido

    The Plight of Widowers – By Francis Ewherido

    The dominant notion in Nigeria is that it is a man’s world. I will not dispute that assumption. Nigeria is a country where most ethnic groups are patrilineal. Consequently, the focus of NGOs and faith-based societies many a time is on the weaker sex who need protection. There is also no problem with that. I just want to remind us today that “the rich (men) also cry,” they also need shoulders to lean and cry on. They have challenges and needs; they also need help from the society. Today I want to focus specifically on the plight of widowers (men who have lost their wives).

    There are many NGOs, church organisations, corporate organisations and others with various programmes to support widows. This is wonderful because the plight of widows in Nigeria is heart wrenching. The injustice widows go through in the society, especially from the families of the late husbands is long and topic for another day. But I have not really seen as many organisations for widowers. The fact that there are more widows than widowers might be partly responsible for the lop-sidedness. The other reason might be male ego: “man no dey cry,” they used to admonish us while growing up. Meanwhile, e dey die inside. This disposition has led to depression, physical and mental illness, and the death of some widowers. Widowers go through a lot, their age notwithstanding.

    There are widowers who lost their wives during childbirth or when the children were young. Raising young children by men without their wives is tough. Where does a man get breast milk to give a new born baby? There is baby formula all right, but it is no comparable substitute for breast milk. Breast milk remains the best nutritional choice for infants. In fact, children who are exclusively breastfed for the first six months of their lives are thought to be healthier than those not exclusively breastfed. Beyond that, how does a widower take care of an infant? Those from supportive families do have their burden of bereavement and caring for young children ameliorated.

    Then what next? It is like a football team forced into the transfer market because of a long term injury to a key player. There are no guarantees. Sometimes, you do not get the quality you really need. Some young widowers are forced to remarry early because of the need for companionship and someone to help them take care of the children. Sometimes things work out, at other times, the new wife behaves like a sheep during courtship and during the early stages of the marriage. Once her own children come, she becomes as ferocious as a wolf. I have seen the children of the first wife being converted to “house helps” and mercilessly maltreated. Many a time, their father watches on helplessly. I have also seen fathers join their new wives in maltreating children of the late wife. Some Nollywood movies have featured this problem. If the late wife does not come from a caring and strong family that can stand up to the man and his new wife, the children are in trouble.

    It is not easier for men in their 50s and 60s who lose their wives. At that age such men have their children in school and look forward to seeing the children through school so that they can be free of school fees which will free some money for him and his wife to enjoy some luxuries like boat cruise, travelling round the world and other luxuries they could not regularly afford when the children were in school. All of a sudden, their wives die leaving them stranded. Life can become very hollow for such men. Where do they start from? At such an age many of such men cannot live alone. In fact many men are lost in their own kitchens. They do not even know where things like pepper, salt and other basics are kept. They need someone more than just a cook. The house needs to be organized. There are also sexual needs for those who are deeply religious and do not engage in sex outside marriage. There are also emotional needs. God said it is not good for a man to be alone and therefore made provisions for a wife. But the wife is gone! They have to remarry, but there are factors they must put into consideration. One is the age of the woman. This has many implications. You cannot tell a young girl in her 20s, 30s or even 40s to get married to you and not have her own children because you already do. I do not know of any girl who would accept that. You just want her to take care of the children from your late wife, cook for you, organize your home and meet your other sexual needs. That looks selfish, cruel and extreme to me. Talking about sex, what is your sex drive like? Do you still have the capacity to cope with a woman in her 20s and 30s when you are in your 50s and 60s?
    Sometimes, the wife and the man’s grown up children do not see eye to eye. They put the man in a position where he has no middle ground. He either takes side with wife or the children. If the man is comfortable, he can take just and equitable decisions, but if the children cater for him, he who pays the piper will inevitably dictates the tune. I have seen men in such agonizing situations. Husbands and wife are supposed to be one, “no longer two,” but this biblical pronouncement can make you lose your benefactors. It is agonizing for such men.
    There is no good time for a man to lose his wife. For me it is one of the scariest things that can happen to a man. I believe that women cope better when they are predeceased by their husbands. In most marriages, the men are older so they should go first. What is important is longevity for both spouses before the inevitable departure. It is just unfortunate that we are not in a position to determine who goes first and when.

    My last group are men who lose their wives in their late 70s and above. I always wonder, where does he start from? Does he remain unmarried or remarry. If he decides to remarry, how old should the woman be? I believe such men should marry mainly for companionship and caregiving. The implication is that they should marry women beyond child bearing. A man remarried in his late 70s and fathered three children. One was in secondary school while the last two were in primary school when he died. His older children had to see the children through school. They were not happy about it because they warned their father against marrying a young girl, but he rebuffed them, saying he was still sexually active and wanted a “young blood.”

    One thing is clear, widowers also have needs and need support from their families and the society. NGOs and church organisations need to come up with groups or programmes devoted to widowers.

    Grass Widowers: There is a madness currently going on. Some women abandon their aging and aged husbands and travel abroad to take care of their children or daughters-in-law who just had babies (omugwo) and grandchildren. It is supposed to be temporary, but some stay back for a year or more or permanently. That is wickedness. At that age, you are not only a wife, but a caregiver to your husband. If there are prior issues, discuss and sort them out instead of using such windows to get back at your husband. These women should know their priorities and behave their age. It is a sordid behaviour. For the children, your father made sacrifices to bring you up; now you repay him by “seizing” his wife in old age for your comfort and that of your children. You are wicked.

  • A nation without regards for the vulnerable – By Francis Ewherido

    A nation without regards for the vulnerable – By Francis Ewherido

    While election officials were addressing the world and announcing results, something else caught my attention. Deaf interpreters (DIs) were also using sign language to enable hearing-impaired people to follow proceedings. It is not as if that was my first time of seeing it in Nigeria, but it had a new meaning to me. Nigeria is a country that does not take the disabled, blind, deaf, dumb, other physically challenged people and the disadvantaged into consideration in planning and execution.

    I first got a personal taste of it when I travelled abroad for a major surgery in 2012. I came back in a wheelchair. At the Murtala Mohammed International Airport, Lagos, there was no functioning escalator and lift to bring me to the ground floor where the vehicle waiting to carry me was packed. Airport officials had to bring me from down manually. In 2021, nine years later, the same scenario played out, no functioning lift or escalator. I was not surprised, but I was very disappointed.

    About 25 years ago, the company, where a friend was working, needed to move to a new office location. His colleague, who just relocated to Nigeria after a long stay abroad, was saddled with the task. Using his western experience, he included a ramp in the design to enable wheelchair-bound visitors and clients have access to the office. When his boss saw the architectural drawings and the costs, he queried why a ramp was included in the renovation. He explained to the boss. The boss then ordered him to remove the ramp and said something like “we have not been able to cater for able-bodied people, you want to spend money on the disabled.

    A legislator once made a very insensitive statement, but a newspaper wrote that the legislator was very witty and made reference to that obnoxious statement to back up the claim. There was a debate on the floor of the house in respect of a cemetery. In his contribution, the legislator scolded his colleagues for wasting time discussing issues concerning the dead when there are more pressing issues concerning the living. There was a roar of laughter on the floor. Since that debate, at least former five members of the house have died and the living are all going to die one day, a day they do not know, willy-nilly. No one came to mother earth to live forever!

    We must learn to show empathy for the vulnerable, the physically challenged and the disadvantaged. That is how you know a humane society. Look at our cemeteries and compare them with cemeteries abroad. Only private cemeteries in Nigeria compare. Look at our roads. Some drivers will not be patient enough to allow disabled people, children and aged cross the road. Zebra crossings are not exempted. The ones who irritate me most are motorcycle and tricycle riders, and commercial bus drivers. If it is impatience that makes people become rich, how come you are still not rich?

    I shudder when I see a blind person unaccompanied on our roads. Our roads are death traps. Apart from the mad drivers and riders, many drains are open, culverts are broken, and there are potholes and craters on some roads. The covers of many drains and manholes in Lagos and Abuja have been stolen  Some people use hardship to justify the irresponsible act of these thieves who should ordinarily be in Kuje and Kirikiri Prisons. Are they the only ones going through hardship? Are the blind and other road users they are endangering their lives not also facing hardship? There is no humanity in us and that is why many of us have animalistic behaviour.

    I assert that Nigeria is a country that does not care for the vulnerable. Let me give some examples. India is a country like Nigeria. They also have a large population way ahead with over 1b people. There is a high rate of poverty in both countries. Ironically, Nigeria recently replaced India as the poverty capital of the world. Their riders and drivers are as disorderly as ours, if not worse. Many of their roads in urban centres are chaotic. Corruption is widespread in both countries. India is a developed country in one breath and a developing country in another breath, unlike Nigeria which is simply a developing country. In terms of care for the vulnerable, I rate India higher than Nigeria. Every public building above two floors (at least the ones I used) had a lift. Most of such buildings in Nigeria do not, thus making them inaccessible to people on wheelchair in Nigeria. The mad drivers and riders aside, I also consider their roads safer for the vulnerable. I also see them as more tolerant and compassionate people than Nigerians.

    But their standards fall terribly short compared to European standards. A physically challenged person can live a near normal life in the UK, for instance. They move or drive around with ease, including those who have lost use of their limbs. They live in blocks of flats in high rise buildings or houses on two floors effortlessly and unassisted.

    At car parks, spaces are reserved for them. God help you if you are able-bodied and park there. In trains and buses, seats are earmarked for them. In those days, if you are a JJC (someone unfamiliar with the practice) and you occupy any of those seats, it would not take time with the looks around for you to know you have done something wrong. These days, with the influx of migrants and visitors, people familiar with the practice have become less critical. But if an old person, pregnant woman or physically challenged person comes into a bus or train and there is no empty seat, gentlemen and ladies give up their seats, but some youngsters do not care, dem no send.

    Finally to comedy. I have been following the comedy scene since the late 80s when John Chukwu (JC) reigned. There was also Away-Away and a few others before Danjuma, Alibaba and others came on the scene. Some upcoming comedians then made physically challenged people and other people with disabilities the topic for jokes. Stutterers always got the scrappy end of the stick of these stand-up comedians. We, the audience, enjoyed these jokes and laughed and laughed. I remember laughing and laughing so much that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. But stand-up comedians are from the larger society that is increasingly becoming sensitive to the feelings of the vulnerable and physically disadvantaged. But such cruel jokes still rear their heads in social media. I guess it is because there is no entry barrier into social media, basic training and the rat race to survive. Youngsters do all kinds of things to survive. Even then, we must self-regulate and draw boundaries.

    As we conclude elections and prepare for new governments at the state and federal levels, we need to revisit the policies of government for the vulnerable at all levels and our general attitude to these Nigerians. They are a critical mass of our society and deserve a better deal.

  • Little things that matter – By Francis Ewherido

    Little things that matter – By Francis Ewherido

    The last one week has been tense for many Nigerians including me. While we were gripped by election fever, a news item eluded some Nigerians. On Sunday, February 19, Shooting Stars of Ibadan hosted Akwa Ibom United in the Nigeria Professional Football League (NPFL). Before the match started, something bizarre happened. The Camp Commandant of Shooting Stars, Auwal Mohammed, went to the centre circle of the pitch, brought out his penis and urinated on the spot.

    Some people took it as the typical attitude of some undisciplined Nigerians. They urinate anywhere they are pressed. On the ever busy Ikorodu Road and Lekki Expressway, if there is a serious tragic jam, people simply come out of their cars and urinate on the road, not even by the side of the road. A Nigerian who has been living abroad for many years returned to Nigeria some years ago. Then the Murtala Mohammed International Airport had not been upgraded, but the airport has always had toilets. But the guy got outside to the lawn where the car that came to pick him up was packed and urinated on the lawn before entering the car. I just shook my head; he could not have dared do that in America where he was coming from. The one that amuses me most are some visitors. They visit and spend time with their hosts in the house. When they want to leave, their hosts would walk them to their vehicles. The next thing, they urinate in the open drain or any available space outside before entering their cars. Meanwhile, they could have requested to use their hosts’ toilets before stepping out. I can never understand it.
    People often blame indiscriminate urinating on the absence of public toilets in Nigeria, but it is not true. It is not as if public toilets are all over the place in Europe and America. In some train stations in Europe, for instance, you can only have access to the toilets if you are a passenger. They are situated in places where non-passengers do not have access to. But I concede that public toilets are more readily available there than in Nigeria.

    But as far as I am concerned, it is indiscipline that makes people to urinate indiscriminately. Before I leave my house, the last thing I do is to use the toilet. If I visit you that is also the last thing I do before leaving, unless I am not pressed. If I find myself on a “wicked” Lagos tragic jam and I am pressed, I stop at a petrol station, bank or any other public place and ask to use their toilet. I have never been denied unless it is not available or faulty. I concede that many of such toilets are either dirty or in a terrible state. If it is just to urinate, no problem, but if you want to do the big one, the experience can be terrible. We do not have good maintenance culture in this part of the world. But I do not accept the excuse of absence of public toilets makes Nigerians to urinate indiscriminately. My policy is: if it is wrong when I travel abroad, it cannot be right when I am in Nigeria. The only exception is when I travel, for instance, from Lagos to Delta by road. If the driver stops for others to ease themselves, I sometimes join them, but if we are going to stop at Ore for passengers to eat, I wait until I get there and use the toilet of the eatery.

    Anyway, I did not believe Auwa Mohammed urinated on the pitch because he was pressed. The spot where he urinated makes me suspect he did it for fetish reasons. I grew up to know that many people believed you needed to do juju to win a competitive football match. When we were in secondary school, inter-school soccer matches were very popular. The sports prefect would collect N50 kobo or N1 per student (a tin of sardine was between 14 kobo to 20 kobo and a tin milk was from 9 kobo to 20 kobo. That should give the younger generation the value of 50 kobo and N1 then). I remember a particular match. My school lost to the other school. To justify our loss, the sports prefect came back with a tale that the same native did the juju for both teams, but he found out that if we won the match, there would be bloodshed because the other school had numbers and they were very brutal. So he made our juju weaker!
    Looking back, I feel it was all scam. To start with, the sports prefect never wrote the names of all the students he collected money from. When the principal asked him to give an account of the money he collected, he submitted the list names he wrote. We heard he shared the money unaccounted for with some prefects and powerful seniors. No be today scam start.

    Our social prefect was also caught in such a scam. He allegedly collected about N500 to buy music records, but did not spend up to N200. Then he was an enigma and no one had the courage to ask questions. What finally demystified him was during GCE examinations. Then the culture was for the final year students to contribute money and buy expo (leaked examination question papers). He was one of the ones in charge. When the final year students got to the exams hall they found out that the questions were different from the expo questions that guided them in preparations. His mates, especially those who put all their hopes in expo to pass, were livid. They requested for a refund, which of course was not forthcoming. There was tension and a big fight followed later in school.
    Back to juju and soccer, let me say ab initio that I was born into a Christian family. I have remained a Christian all my life. I do not patronise native doctors, so I am not in a position to discuss the efficacy of the practice. But I have a strong feeling that the so called native doctors who did juju for us in secondary school scammed us. They just took advantage of our teenage naivety.

    Is there a correlation between juju and sports, soccer, to be specific? If yes, how come no African country has won the world? Even Haiti that is known for voodoo practice has played in only one cup, 1974, and lost all the three matches they played. I can confidently say, as a soccer fan, that when it comes to soccer, success is dependent on hard work, natural gifts, dedication, organisation, among other factors that have nothing to do with juju.

    GOVERNORSHIP AND HOUSE OF ASSEMBLY ELECTION
    Next Saturday is the governorship and senatorial elections. INEC promised so such, but has fallen short of expectations so far. Notwithstanding the outcomes show that voters are the kings. Some former and current political office holders have been repaid for their wickedness, high handedness and poor performance. No reward for poor performance. The electorate must punish more contestants next weekend. INEC should clean up its act before the governorship election to avoid previous lapses. Nigeria is making progress.

  • Nigerians Decide 1 – By Francis Ewherido

    Nigerians Decide 1 – By Francis Ewherido

    The title is just what it is; come next Saturday, the people of Nigeria will go to the polls to vote for their next president, vice president, senators and members of the House of Representatives. My political affiliations notwithstanding, this is marriage and family column. I am not here to campaign for anybody; I can do that in other channels. I am here to talk to Nigerian voters. As I wrote some time ago, the stakes are high so there should be no sitting on the fence. I am not an undecided voter. I have those I want to vote for, so should you.  I have clear expectations from candidates I want to vote for next week and you too should have. All Nigerians of voting age have a role to play in deciding who should be our next president.

    We all know what our major problems are: insecurity, unemployment, endemic and widespread corruption, unsatisfactory management of the economy, injustice, inequality, cronyism, epileptic electricity, nepotism, inadequate infrastructure, underutilisation of our enormous human and material resources amongst many others. These problems did not start today; they have been there prior to 1999 when the fourth republic started, but they must be solved because they are solvable and we do not need rocket science to solve them. Which of the presidential candidates has the courage, physical and mental capacity to solve our problems? That should be our candidate.

    Right now, there are stories that gold, lithium and other precious minerals are being mined by state governments and private individuals illegally. If it is true, does your preferred candidate have the courage to stop this nonsense and injustice? As a Niger Deltan, it is very annoying that the proceeds from oil are being shared nationally, but proceeds from other mineral resources are localised. It is totally unacceptable.

    Can your choice of presidential candidate lead by example? In the Niger Delta, if we want to know whether or not a fish is getting bad, we go to the head to check the gills, not the tail. Our new president must lead by example.

    There is no perfect politician, just as there is no anus without sh*t. But the countries making strides are run by fallible human beings, not angels. We need a visionary and transformational president with the over 200m Nigerians his focal point. It is possible. We also need institutions that can keep all citizens, including our president, in check.

    We know all the presidential candidates have personal ambition to emerge president of Nigeria. That is their PERSONAL ambition to which they are entitled. But achieving their PERSONAL ambition should not be the priority of the electorate. Our priority is to vote for the man best suited to solve our problems. If that coincides with the personal ambition of your candidate and so be it, but our priority is to vote right person for the top job. Luckily, virtually all the top candidates have held top government positions, so we have their track records and conduct in public office to guide us in our choice. Use that knowledge as a guide.

    What about his vice presidential candidate? We lost a sitting president before in this country and his vice president was promptly sworn in as president. That gives you an idea of the importance of the vice presidential candidates. Is the vice presidential candidate of your choice capable of being president, running a complex and diversified country like ours? In my opinion, Prof. Yemi Osinbajo did a great job as acting president when President Muhammadu Buhari was indisposed. Can the vice president of the presidential candidate of your choice run the country smoothly in the absence of his principal?

    The Vice president presides over the important councils and handles important assignments delegated to him by his principal. Does he have the needed knowledge and capacity to handle these assignments? Does he have the patriotism to work for national interest and common good rather than self-aggrandisement? We need a sound and vibrant vice president. Osinbajo might have his shortcomings, but he is a delight to watch at the national and international stage. He is prodigiously intelligent and knowledgeable, witty and self-assured. We should not settle for less.

    Now to the national assembly elections. I had the privilege of being close to my late brother, Senator Akpor Pius Ewherido. He was a top notch senator, so I have an idea of what a good senator should look like. The job of law making requires a lot of intellectual rigour and widespread knowledge, so the candidate you want to elect to be your senator should have wide spread knowledge and be well educated (not just paper qualifications from compromised institutions). His command of spoken English should be good enough to grab attention. The business of the senate is conducted in English, not Pidgin English or any local language, please note. If you elect the wrong candidate, he will spend four years in the senate like a ship at night: unnoticed. A mute senator does his constituents no good, in particular, and Nigeria, in general.

    Beyond law making, a senator should be able to attract projects to his senatorial district. That is an added responsibility our peculiar democracy places on senators. Do not come back and give your constituents excuses. Every senatorial district should take time to choose its senator to represent them from 2023 to 2027. We need to have a vibrant senate that will make good laws to right some of the wrongs currently bedevilling Nigeria, perform oversight functions over the executive properly and help to entrench the principle of checks and balances. The new senate also needs to entrench principles of rule of law and separation of powers. A rubber stamp senate does our democracy no good. Being a senator is a great privilege in Nigeria, but it comes with concomitant responsibilities.

    The other election next Saturday is to elect members to represent various constituencies in the green chambers. The members of the House of Representative perform the same basic functions as the senators, so what I said above apples to them, but they are closer to the people, so the electorate must be careful in choosing who they elect or re-elect. Let me advise the electorate to be more concerned with common interest than personal interest. I see some people who are against some candidates and the main reason is stomach infrastructure. Stomach infrastructure has become part of our politics. You ignore it at your own peril. But let me appeal to the electorate that they should focus more on common interest than stomach infrastructure. Stomach infrastructure is temporary; common good is more enduring.

    In conclusion, continue to campaign and canvass for votes for your candidates. That is very legit, but do not try to subvert the will of the majority. If you do, anything you see is your business. That is if you are alive to see it. The eyes of Nigerians are red. Only a transparent, free and fair election can lead to peace. Any form of subversion can set the country ablaze. Do not join enemies of Nigeria to destroy this great nation. INEC, please give us a free and fair election. Let the will of majority of Nigerians prevail.

  • YOUNG MEN, HUSTLE O! – By Francis Ewherido

    YOUNG MEN, HUSTLE O! – By Francis Ewherido

    Late in January this year, we read the story of a man in Kenya who committed suicide. He had returned home late, but his older lover, who had been housing and feeding him for some months now refused to open the door for him. He subsequently went behind her house and hanged himself. He left a suicide note: “Ntinyari (the name of his lover), you are the reason why I have decided to kill myself because I cannot live without you…” 

    The deceased man, identified as David Mbijiwe, was 41 years old. According to the report, David was being “kept” by the woman, who is way was older than him, according to a neighbour. A little digression, times have changed. In those days, it was not common to see couples where the woman was older. Long before I got married, there two were things I knew I would never do. One was marrying older woman. I had a friend, Helen, also from Bendel State (Edo and Delta States) who really wanted to marry me. She was educated, nice and beautiful, but a year older. She did not stand a chance due to the tiny age difference. Helen, just in case you are reading this, you now know why I was not forthcoming. There was absolutely nothing wrong with you. It’s just what I saw while growing up.

    People now “date” and marry wherever they find love, age notwithstanding. It is their lives. But I warn my married friends who are my age mates to flee from these young men with large appetite for older women. It is not just a question of infidelity, it will end up in sorrow and disaster. A friend usually patronized a solon where a young man was working. He kept complimenting and flattering her. When she told me, I told her to flee. “His job is to make your hair, not flatter you. I know women like compliments and flattery, but this one can only lead to disaster.” This is Africa. I do not want to digress further.

    One phrase that caught my attention in David’s story is:  “being kept.” Is David a dog or some domestic animal? At 41, he was being “kept.” So many things went through my mind: Why will a 41-year-old man be kept and fed by a woman? I have read and heard that older women keep younger men mainly for their sexual prowess. But a lady I listened to on YouTube said an older lady can also end up with a three-minute 30-year-old man. She said it is not mainly about sex; the love making knowledge of the man, whether he is selfless and takes the women into consideration, also matters.  Then she went on to something I have talked about a few times. Sex (Marital) is as much about the act itself as it is about communication. Do not assume; know exactly what your wife/husband wants. The lady also talked about companionship and the feeling rejuvenation among the older women. They feel young and youthful again; they can go clubbing and partying the way they used to do in their younger days, among other “benefits.”  

    Anyway, my question is, if David was the breadwinner of the house, would she lock the door against him? Will he be referred to as being “kept” by the woman? The story reinforced my gospel to young people: for Christians, the bible is very clear on that. The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Under normal circumstances, your wife should not be the breadwinner, she is a helpmate, a supporter, someone who supplements at best. That was what I grew up to meet. That has been the tradition in many societies before Nigeria came to be.  

    In some modern homes the wives earn more than the husbands. I do not have problems with that as long as the man earns a living. Sometimes the pendulum swings the way of women due to certain circumstances (the wife having a better paying job or business; also, ill health, loss of job retirement, etc., that affect the man). The one I can never understand and accept is an able-bodied man who has refused to do anything and turned the wife into a breadwinner. Even the bible does not tolerate that.   

    The husband is the head of the house, but it is earned not with a penis and scrotal sack, but by being responsible and providing effective leadership. Effective leadership includes providing for your family. A husband who is a good leader finds it easier to get the cooperation of his wife, not because he is the head of the house, but because the wife believes and buys into his leadership. I have not seen any marriage where the woman is the permanent breadwinner that has total peace, happiness and runs smoothly. It is not right for the woman to permanently be the breadwinner. If it happens because the man is incapacitated, fine, but not because he is lazy and laidback. My guy, if that is how you are, anything and nonsense you see in your marriage, take it; you are no better than Esau who sold his birthright to Jacob. You can’t be strutting the house as the head of the house when your wife is housing, feeding, clothing you and picking up all the bills, wetin; you no get shame?

    I encourage every man to work very hard to provide for the family. From my study of the way women are wired, they do not feel it is their primary duty to provide for their families. Even when they have money, they still feel it is the man’s duty to take care of the household. Do whatever it takes legally to take care of your family. If you fall, get up. Keep moving; explore, acquire new knowledge, learn new skills, just do whatever is legal to enable you play the role of a provider. I am not saying it will be easy or happy all the time. It can be a thorny path with lots of frustration, near misses, humiliations and seeming hopelessness, but a man’s role as provider is a divine responsibility and I believe that at some point, God will create a way to enable you carry out the duty He has entrusted to you. Husbands must always remember that God created wives as helpmates and not to take over their husbands’ responsibility. 

    There’s no woman who will not love to see Paris and “die,” the ancient and modern of London, the German machine of Frankfurt and miracle of Berlin…the list is endless. Let us not start there; have a roof over your head, food on the table and put the children in school. The most obedient wife can rebel if the children are hungry or out of school. Sort out the basics and you can climb the ladder from there. It is not easy to be a husband and family man in Nigeria, but without the family, societies vanish, so we have no choice.

  • “Come out of your closet” – By Francis Ewherido

    “Come out of your closet” – By Francis Ewherido

    PREFACE: Stripped of spirituality and religion, as long as it is legal, your private life is your business. But if you want to dictate to others how they should live their private lives, your handshake has gone beyond the elbow.

    If you had seen this headline 30 to 40 years ago, a different thing would have crossed your mind immediately. Over a short period, the tables have been turned. The hunter has become the hunted. No, more appropriately put, the once ignored and subject of odium have become the hunted. My friend went for the funeral of the mother of a prominent political figure. A former state governor (no be Delta State o, I beg una) was head or part of the protocol team. He knows my friend, a quiet but prominent man. He approached my friend: “which one you want; yellow, black, blue green, tall, short, tall, lepa, big yansh, all of them dey.” Then my friend calmly told him none, no sex outside marriage for him. “You mean say na only one woman you dey fuck? You go die young,” the former governor exclaimed with disdain. To the glory of God my friend is still alive. Since after this encounter, he has celebrated his 50th and 60th birthdays and he is still going on strong. He has not died and has continued to stay and sleep with only his wife.

    A young man came to see me after I gave a talk on marital fidelity. He told me that he has been married for 10 years and has never cheated on his wife. When he is with his friends, they brag about their escapades and he feels like the ODD ONE OUT (capital mine). He dare not let it out that he has not had sex outside marriage and has been faithful to his wife. Another one in a sombre tone told me that he pretends he is a “bad boy” when his friends are discussing their exploits. In other words, he LIES that he engages in extra marital affairs when he does not.

    Online statistics show that between 90 to 98 per cent of married men in Nigeria cheat, while about two to 10 per cent are faithful to their spouses. But some wannabe celebrities come out to say all married men in Nigeria cheat. When did they carry out the census? Some of these girls just want to be celebrities by fire by force. They make controversial statements and engage in dumb controversies just to trend or be in the news. I do not blame them; I blame the proliferation of media outlets and media people who have forgotten their gatekeeping role. Every meaningless news that adds no value must be published for reasons I am still struggling to fathom. I have become my own gatekeeper. There are some meaningless stories I do not bother to read anymore. There are more important things to do and read. 

    Incidentally many girls, especially girls whose boyfriends have cheated on hold the same opinion and share it online like one of the Ten Commandments: “Every man cheats.” How many boys have cheated on you or are you judging all men based on your small and limited experience? But that is just by the side. Do you expect faithful husbands to come out and broadcast it? Don’t you understand that it is a PERSONAL decision and they owe nobody any explanations? They are too busy building their careers, businesses, future and other important things think about PERSONAL decisions that they made 10, 20, 30, 40 and 50 years ago.

    However, my targets today are those people who try to make men, who only stick to their wives, look inferior, weak and not men enough. Someone who sticks to one woman, in an environment where sex is commonplace and cheap, is not man enough? Do you know the temptations they go through and overcome? A friend was working late one day. He is a workaholic. He did not realise that everyone was gone and he was alone. Then a female colleague who has been making passes at him sneaked into his office, locked the door and grabbed him: “Why are rejecting me? Why are pretending as if you do not know I have feelings for you? Am I not woman enough? Am I not beautiful enough? What is in your wife that I do not have?” It took some efforts and willpower to extricate himself. I know the young lady; she is a stunning beauty, the stuff beauty queens are made of. A man resisted her sexual advances, yet you say he is not man enough? What a world!

    I will continue saying it, it is a free world and you are free to do whatever you like as long as it is legal. It does not have to be morally right in our toady’s world. But you cannot heckle those who choose to be legally and morally right. They are the real people (men) that constitute the real fabric of virtue in society. It is their choice. Who made you a judge over them? There is evidence of subtle bullying of faithful husbands in social media, gatherings among friends and within families.

    When God created us, he gave us the freedom of choice. Fidelity and infidelity are choices people make consciously or unconsciously and live with the consequences. Allow them to make their decisions and live with the consequences. 

    Please excuse me dear readers, I want to focus on Urhobo men. I cannot remember attending a meeting of Urhobo men where it was agreed that it is an abomination for an Urhobo man to marry and stay faithful to only one woman. In fact, my friend that I referred to above is an Urhobo man and he will be celebrating his 30th wedding anniversary soon; 30 years of marital fidelity and he is handsome and rich. But he has stuck to his wife for these roughly 30 years. He has not died young as the former governor warned him. I go on social media and see some of these Urhobo youngsters denigrating monogamy and marital fidelity by men.

    Celebrating polygamy and infidelity is not an issue to me, na your life and body, but denigrating those who choose to live differently from you is unacceptable. Is that our main problem in Urhoboland? The unemployment rate in Urhobo land, like other parts of Nigeria, is numbing. Many of our graduates are tricycle riders; is that not worrisome enough to attract your attention and keep you engaged? Urhoboland has become a hub of Yahoo-Yahoo boys; does that not disturb you? Sapele is now a hotbed of cultists and killings; it is no big deal, abi? Some young men you help today will come back tomorrow with new schemes to scam you; is that right? Yet the same people will be screaming, “Urhobo no dey help their own. Many of our girls are now “runs-girls.” You are the same people complaining that there are not many good Urhobo girls to marry anymore; you won’t worry about. It is how to make jest of monogamists and faithful husbands that is your problem. Continue chasing shadows. Idleness and misplacement of priorities are really big problems.

    For those faithful husbands hiding in the closet because you are afraid of being laughed at, come out. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is your life, it is your choice.