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Tag: Francis Ewherido

  • Silent killers and suspicious spouses – By Francis Ewherido

    Silent killers and suspicious spouses – By Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    When you are in the marriage and family business, you come across all kinds of questions and situations. Somebody asked me, “How is it that the men always die first in marriages?” I have always felt that the men are older, so they should naturally die first. That is one of the major factors in calculating in life insurance premium. As you grow older, your premium rate increases. The assumption is that older people are more likely to die. It is not always like that, but actuaries (insurance mathematicians) had to come up with parameters to arrive at life insurance premiums.

    But my man had other ideas. He feels that it is because of the stress men go through as breadwinners and the pressure some wives put their husbands through: wives who compare their husbands with other men, wives who live above their means and put their husbands under pressure to meet up with foolish lifestyles, some wives who will not support their husbands even when the husband is going through a patch or out of job because the husband ought to be the breadwinner. They conveniently forget that wives are helpmates (Some women debunk this; they say that some men die because they are too proud to ask their wives for support. That must be in the past because now husbands and wives team up financially to run most homes); he went on and on. These pressures, according to him, make the men to begin to die slowly through high blood pressure, diabetes, enlargement of the heart, heart failure, kidney failure, etc., until they finally die. I did not say much because I did not have evidence to prove him right or wrong. I also wondered, what about wives who also suffer from similar ailments.

    But now I ask, are wives killing their husbands gradually with her nagging, unreasonable demands, bad behaviour and disrespect for their husbands?  For me, if you cannot respect your husband anymore, drop his name, revert to your maiden name and leave his wretched house. Disrespect is a ruthless killer; that’s why in I Peter 3, Ephesians 5:33 and other passages, in the bible admonish women to respect their husbands.  Before feminists pounce on me, I am aware of the balancing part that says, husbands, love your wives. Men should build their armour. If not, you will die and the world, including your wife, will move on. What you need most in marriage is your peace of mind. Once your marriage cannot give you your peace of mind, deal with it… dialogue, change of orientation, just any right way you can sort it out.

    Some women might also want to drag the matter further that why are husbands cheating on their wives when they are supposed to love them? I do know. You will have to ask them when you run into them, but I can say that love for wives by some husbands has nothing to do with their infidelity. I know two men (one of them is late now) who were serial cheats, but they could kill you if you toiled with their wives (I don’t mean sleeping with their wives). Then it used to mystify me because I could not reconcile their philandering with hundreds of women/girls over time. They sacked and punished their drivers and cooks for minor issues like coming 30 minutes late and keeping madam waiting. I had no doubt they adored their wives. Even their girlfriends who mistakenly toiled with their wives lived to regret it.

    These days, findings show that wives and husbands are neck deep in the race to take first position in infidelity. You do not go to equity with filthy hands. Wives need to stay clean before accusing their husbands.

    Let me round up with another matter. The story of the lady who died tragically while chasing her husband and his side chick is still fresh in our memories. When the story first broke, I avoided talking about it because I had been misled a week earlier in a social media post. I only believed the story when I saw it in mainstream media and credible online media. I really sympathise with her. It is very sad. She is gone now, but the rest of us can learn some lessons. One, if you are angry, do not act. You might do foolish things or hurt yourself. Two, be ready for the consequences of your actions. Some men justify having side chicks because our fore fathers did it. In those days, an Urhobo man would tell his wife to lock the door after he leaves the house at night. That meant “I am going to spend the night with my concubine. I will not be back till tomorrow.” Our great grandmothers knew the concubines of their husbands. In fact, the first name of the father of Barr Spencer Ohwofa, my friend APC candidate for Ughelli Constituency II in the forthcoming Delta State House of Assembly election is Agogojose (let us ring the bell to inform the world that I have a concubine). If the husband had let the wife know that the other woman was not just a learned colleague, but his side chick, this death would have been avoided. My father always told us that you cannot stop a child from growing protruding teeth, he should just grow enough lips to cover the teeth. Why the cowardice? Inform your wife about your side chick.

    I will never be a fan of polygamy because I am a lazy man. Only strong men can handle two or more women. But I respect polygamists. Instead of bend-bend waka, dem dey put the other woman/women for house make the whole world know say dem dey the league of strong men with more than one wife. Three, the late wife not only lost the husband he wanted to keep to herself, she is also not be alive to bring her children up to her specification. Four, there is no room for third parties in a marriage. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Some are just there to destroy your marriage. It would have been better if she waited for the husband and the two of them even had a “fight” at home. A busybody once lived close to us. He would come to the house and tell my mum, “I thought you were the one I saw in front of your husband’s car. I saw him on the road. My mum would respond. “You know my husband loves rendering help to people.” Life was very safe in the 70s and my father really loved helping people. One pregnant woman once delivered in the backseat of my father’s car before they got to the hospital. Five, for the informant, I hope she is happy now. Someone I knew and could talk to was messing around. I was planning to confront her and let know her actions could destroy the husband because he really loved her. Miraculously, she came to her senses and stopped, or so I believe. If this informant wished her late friend well, she should have confronted the husband and let him know the consequences of his action.

    The husband is young and has young children to bring up. He is likely going to remarry, not to the side chick, hopefully. I hope he has learnt his lessons.

  • Still on biblical interrogation, et al – By Francis Ewherido

    Still on biblical interrogation, et al – By Francis Ewherido

    For me, the critical issue is: “is it against the bible?” Once it is not against the bible, I run with it? For some other people, “is it in the bible” or where is it in the bible?” Once I hear that, I close the discussion with you because we can never have a meaningful discussion. Are cars, aeroplanes, phones and many other advancements in the bible? No, but are they against the bible? No, so we use them.

    As you grow older, you want to conserve your energy for useful purposes. It is the same reason I ignored one fellow on Facebook recently. I do not have time and strength for meaningless talk that will end in a cul-de-sac. We should face substance and leave peripherals alone. For instance, when the bible condemned adultery, it simply meant do not engage in sexual intercourse with another person except your spouse. This is what we now refer to it as an affair. Here the bible said sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse. Using a euphemism of “affair” is just to reduce the enormity of what you did in your heart and make you feel less guilty; so because “having an affair” is not in the bible in those words, does it stop the act from being adultery? No!

    Young people in relationships and having pre-marital sex claim to be dating or courting. It is not dating, it is fornication, according to the bible. Courting, according to the Institute in Basic Life Principles, is “a relationship between a man and a woman in which they seek to determine if it is God’s will for them to marry each other, while dating can be described as a form of courtship and may include social activities undertaken by two persons (male and female) with the aim of assessing the other’s suitability as a life partner.”  None of the definitions includes sex, although young people argue that “assessing the other’s suitability as a life partner”   and “social activity” can be interpreted to include sex.

    How can God, who said fornication is a sin that leads to death, encourage premarital sex? The truth is young people’s blood is hot and they do engage in sex due to lust and lack of self-control. I was also involved in premarital sex before marriage, but I never deceived myself that I was doing the right thing. I am not judging anybody. How can a bloody sinner judge anybody? Let us just call a spade a spade and stop using euphemisms to reduce our guilt and sometimes mislead others.

    A well respected Christian leader once confessed to me privately that she had sex with her husband too be before they got married. She said she needed to be sure he could perform and he passed the test before she agreed to their marriage. As at the last time I met her, there was no child yet and the man was afflicted by one of the debilitating ailments that affects men. So what is the ultimate result of all the testing before marriage?

    It is your responsibility to live your life the way you want. But for young girls under 30 years, live responsibly if you intend to settle down with a man. The shelf life of a girl is short. It is like European seasons: winter, spring, autumn and summer. The summer clothes that were on display start disappearing from the front of the shop and showroom once winter begins to set in. These days, girls under 20 years look so mature. Use your time well while on the shelf and display at the front of the shop before you are moved to the back of the shop. I have seen this happen so often in the last 35 years. Be careful who you listen to in this era of influencers. People who are unhappy with their lives are busy spilling out falsehood and leading younger people astray.  A social media influencer whose marriage crashed under three years calls herself marriage counsellor! Can you give what you do not have?

    Bobrisky, Portable, Davido, Daddy GO Enoch Adeboye, Pastor Kumuyi and Pastor Tunde Bakare and many others are all influencers, but in a world of relativism, I dare not qualify anyone with adjective of good or bad influencer. For instance, if I call Pastor Adeboye a good influencer, someone can come and challenge me, because for him Adeboye is a bad influencer. Adeboye helped to spread Christianity and destroyed our African religion. That is the world of relativism that we currently live in. So I hold on to my beliefs firmly, but try to mind my business.

    It is this relativism that makes it difficult for me to contribute to discussions on other people’s Facebook pages. For me, your Facebook page is your sitting room. I will not come and argue with you. You arrange it the way you want. You put the content that reflect who you are. I also arrange my sitting room the way I want. I fill my Facebook page mainly with contents on family, people, marriage and insurance, which is my profession. Even if I get zero like or comment, it means nothing. I do not want to stir up unnecessary controversy to attract traffic. I stick to my values and what makes me happy. With political campaigns coming, I will soon add politics because I feel it is sacrilegious to sit on the fence at this critical time. I have travelled to all continents except South America and Australia. I have come to the conclusion that we must make Nigeria to function well. I have no intention of living elsewhere. You can call me a slave of the Nigerian nation. That is where my absolute loyalty lies. In the meantime, we should learn civility in the social media space. The social media space is a public space. We do not have to agree, but show restraint and respect in public.

  • Re: Divorce – By Francis Ewherido

    Re: Divorce – By Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    I am taking the topic, divorce, today from the Christian perspective. Divorce is not one of the topics I enjoy writing about. I have quite a number of people close to me who are involved. I know their cases first hand and I really empathise with them. I used to believe and I still believe in the indissolubility of Christian marriages. Every divorce diminishes the institution of marriage and makes humanity poorer. But as I grow older and get more involved in marriage counselling, I have had to ask some questions. Today’s article, which is partly reactions to my article of August 6, 2022, has nothing to do with those people going into Christian marriage without knowing what it’s really is and those leaving marriage due to flimsy excuses. I believe that once you get married, only death should do you part. This is biblical (Genesis 24, Luke 16:18, 1 Peter 3:1, Genesis 2:24, Matthew 5:31-32, Mark 10:2-12, Luke 16:18).

    Now question time. I have issues I want us to discuss. The foundation of marriage is love. In the last four or five weeks, a jealous wife burnt her husband to death. A man also killed his wife. In these cases, there were fears that there could be fatalities in the marriages, but they were ignored. Should these marriages have been allowed to continue because “for better, for worse?” I Corinthians 13: 4- 13 says “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” This passage encompasses the essence of love. Where in this passage encourages killing of spouses or domestic violence? If it does not, why should such spouses be allowed to remain married? If it is obvious to you that your sister, brother, daughter, son and any loved would be killed by her/his spouse, will you allow her/him to remain in the marriage. Sometimes it is easy to quote the bible. For once, empathise and put yourself in the other person’s position. For me, my personal policy on domestic violence is zero tolerance. Once it gets to a point where you have to harm or kill your spouse, the marriage has lost its saltiness and should be thrown away as far I am concerned. Ultimately, the decision rests with the one whose life is endangered. But let me quickly add that some people are so dumb and blind that they need to be saved from themselves.

    My second point is marriage based on deceit. Marriage is not built on buyers beware, but utmost good faith. It is like insurance “a buyer of the insurance product (the insured) has a responsibility to disclose to the insurance company (the underwriter) any information that aggravates or alters the usual nature of the risk the company is about to assume (underwrite).

    Also during courtship, parties should disclose fully any condition that will make the other party have a second thought about continuing with the relationship.” Such material facts include: infertility, impotency, compromised womb due to infection or abortion, terminal ailment, financial hole (debt) such as to affect their finances gravely after marriage, using a falsified age, ex-convict status, previous marriage or children from previous liaisons, sex change ( you think you are marrying a woman, not knowing that you are getting married to a fellow man.

    Such acts create grounds for annulment of the marriage in denominations like the Catholic Church. Annulment is the doctrine that the marriage or consent of one party was based on falsehood; therefore the marriage is not valid. Some Christians criticize the Catholic Church that they are smuggling divorce into Christian marriage. The critics should tell us the solution to a marriage that was fraudulently contracted.

    Then I add, some women marry a man just to father their children, once they get the children they want, they abandon the marriage. Some men also do the same thing. This is also fraud. What should the defrauded spouse do? Remain unmarried because he/she was scammed into marriage? What about a spouse who abandoned his or her marriage and went to marry another person? One of the marital vows is “for better for worse. Does it apply here when the spouse you exchanged vows with has moved on and married someone else?”

    Talking about marital vows, let me delve in a little and throw more light. I hear girls proclaim on social media that they “can’t marry a broke man.” Please don’t because once you vow to marry him “for richer, for poorer,” you are obliged to keep your vow. So since you are not wise enough to realize that many billionaires and millionaires today were paupers when they got married, wait for a rich man to marry.

    “In sickness and in health.” Many of these frail looking men and women you see were very strong and fit in their early days. There  is no way they would have known that they would be beset by debilitating conditions later in life, so have it in mind before saying “in sickness and in health.” Be ready to stick to him/her if you find your spouse in that situation.

    “Till death do us part.” I have been married for almost 25 years. Others have been married for 50 years and still counting. It is easy to live with the good attributes of your spouse, but living with the bad and the ugly attributes can be nightmarish. I wrote in my book, Life Lessons from Mudipapa, that marriage is a bed of roses. Roses are sweet-smelling, but come with vicious prickles. So you need to be very careful, otherwise, what you will experience are prickles, not the sweet smell of the roses.

    Christian marriage is not prosperity gospel that some preachers portray it. Like Jesus, you might drink fine wine, dine with the mighty. But there is also a cross which you must bear. If you have issues with that, keep away from going into a Christian marriage. But welcome if you are ready for the grind and glamour.

  • Extension of ASUU strike – By Francis Ewherido

    Extension of ASUU strike – By Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    Many hearts – parents, students and other concerned Nigerians – sank when the Academic Staff Union of Universities “after a heated meeting” of the national executive council of the ASUU, decided to extend the ongoing strike by the union. From extension, it has become an indefinite strike. Government has been talking, ASUU has also been talking, but none of them is making sense to parents, students and many Nigerians any more. Government says it can no longer fulfil the agreements it voluntarily went into. ASUU says government is a chronic breaker of agreements and it can no longer be trusted. Parents, students and embarrassed Nigerians just want the schools to resume lectures. You can say parents and students are selfish, but ASUU and government cannot be exonerated from selfishness and insensitivity. Government officials fly their children abroad for university education, while ASUU members allow their beloved students (including their children) to rot at home. No party is making sense anymore.

    One student got admission at the age of 19. He thought he would graduate at 23 and complete his National Youth Service at 24 years. That would give him about a year to get a job, even if it looks unrealistic, before he is 25. Many big organisations do not employ fresh graduates above 25 years old. May be these corporate organisations need to review the age limit for employment of fresh graduates. It is not their fault that they are graduating age 26 and above.

    Only students in private universities in Nigeria or those who schooled abroad graduate below 25 these days. To graduate from a government-owned university before 25 years is becoming a rarity. What is their crime? Their parents are not rich enough to send them abroad or to private universities. Some students whose parents and sponsors lost their sources of livelihood because of the global downturn in the economy will now struggle to raise funds to enable them to graduate. Some students may have their have academic pursuits truncated.

    Since this strike started I have always been on the side of ASUU. The government made commitments and it should fulfil them. They include the promise to a release of revitalization fund of 170b, to be included in 2023 budget, and the promise of earned allowance of 50b for all the university-based unions, also to be included in 2023 budget. The government should pay them. Where the government does not have all the money to fulfil its promises, it should approach ASUU with a humble and contrite heart. You cannot be a debtor and be grandstanding. Government should not behave like articulated vehicles on Nigerian roads. They bully other road users, even when they are in the wrong. Government insincerity with ending the ASUU crisis was badly exposed when the entire Abacha loot refund was devoted to funding physical infrastructure. Not a single penny for ASUU. We were taught in school that human development supersedes physical development; so what happened?

    But I feel ASUU should go to the negotiating table with an open mind. On the issue of asking for payment for the period they were on strike, my position is that they should not treat it as an entitlement, but discuss and appeal to government. They knew about the no work, no pay policy before they went on strike. It cannot be not an entitlement, but ex gratia payment (payment made not as an entitlement, but out of grace) which government should oblige. Threatening that they will not do the academic work they would have done that period of strike if they are not paid is blackmail. They should negotiate it and not take unilateral decisions.

    ASUU should soften up not because it is the weaker party, but the more mature and empathetic party. In marriages, the advice is that it is not necessarily the spouse that is wrong that must be the one to initiate reconciliation; it is the more mature party who does. That is what ASUU should do. Show initiative not necessarily because all their demands have been met but out of maturity and empathy. Government is a continuum. ASUU should get the best it can from the ongoing negotiation and continue when a new government comes in.

    I read somewhere that ASUU wants all their demands met before calling off the strike. I do not believe that because negotiations demand “give and take” dispositions. Whatever they can get from this government, they should take and be patient till the next government comes in. By May 29, 2023, this government will leave office. ASUU should organise a forum where all the presidential candidates, or the top five candidates, will tell ASUU and Nigerians how each of them intends to end incessant ASUU strikes in universities and bring stability to the educational system. That will give Nigerians an idea of how they want to solve one of the problems besetting us. ASUU is not in a supreme battle with government to know who blinks first. ASUU should act fast. Some of the demands pre-date this government. By May 29, a new government will come in and the negotiations can continue.

    ASUU is gradually losing the support of parents and students, especially. Some university branches of ASUU have pulled out of the strike and will resume or start resuming soon. More will follow in the coming days or weeks. Before you know it, ASUU will lose its leverage. This will erode ASUU’s powers in bargaining and negotiations in the future.  Now that the water is still at the ankle level, ASUU must act first and be decisive before the water gets to the knees and ultimately the ASUU ship will sink.

  • Happy 70th birthday to my Lagos mummy – By Francis Ewherido

    Happy 70th birthday to my Lagos mummy – By Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    I was eager to publish this article last Saturday, but I restrained myself so as not to pre-empt the celebration that took place last Monday. Happy 70th birthday once more to the ever young looking Mrs. Joyce Kesiena Tuedor. To the rest of the younger people in the extended family, she is Sister Kes or Aunty Kes. For me, she is, in addition, my Lagos Mummy. We got very close when I moved to Lagos first in 1987 and finally in 1989, I decided not to stay with relatives and get used to the comfort I did not create. I wanted to hustle. But I was close to my Lagos Mummy, Mrs. Tuedor. I went to visit her at her salon often. She was always happy to see me and welcomed me with a broad smile. She did two things for me that are unsurpassed and remain evergreen. In 1989, I had exhausted about N720 that I saved during my youth service in Port Harcourt. My dad had died in 1988 and I was determined not to be a burden to anybody. I was managing myself jeje and restricting my expenditure to food and transportation to hunt for a job basically.

    Then I fell ill. I was taking malaria drugs, but no respite. I suspected that I had typhoid fever. I was doing self-medication and I was deteriorating. My friend, Mideno Bayagbon (Now publisher of The Newsguru), I whom was squatting with and I had no money to go to the clinic. My health kept deteriorating. I was staring death in the face. Then like the prodigal son, I came to my senses and remembered I had backbone. “Mijivw’ihwo” (I also have people), I said to myself. I had my Lagos mummy’s salon number, but it was late and she had closed. I also had the phone number of my eldest brother, Fr. Tony, but he was based in Effurun, Bendel State then. I told Bayagbon to call him. My eldest brother reached out to my Lagos mummy. I was taken to the nearest clinic and admitted. I spent about a week in the clinic before I was discharged. The bill was a little over N700. She simply told me that we should go home that the bill had been settled. My mouth and lips were all blistered. She took me to her home, where I spent the next one week recuperating. Once I was strong enough, I went back to Bayagbon’s house.

    Going to stay with Bayagbon was not planned ab initio. My initial arrangements failed and I told him my predicament on a Saturday. He said I could come and squat with him. By Monday I moved in with my bag, abi na suitcase self, containing all my earth’s possessions. I was always conscious of the fact that my stay should be as brief as possible because I was intruding on his privacy, not that he complained. Two things unsettled me while living with Bayagbon. We shared toilet, bathroom and kitchen with many other tenants. I had not shared facilities with others before, except with other corpers during NYSC. It was a new experience I could not cope with it. In the morning, tenants would queue to have their bath. I will drop my bucket of water and go into the room to wait. By the time I came out, the last occupant would have left the bathroom and a new occupant would have gone in. Sometimes, I ended up being the last person to have his bath. There was no issue with the toilet because of the strict observance of the rule that you must go into the toilet with your bucket of water and flush after usage. The queue was short and so there was no problem.

    The toughest challenge I had was sharing a common kitchen. I just could not cope with it. Eating “mama put” has never been part of my life, so Bayagbon was doing all the cooking until he got pissed off and stopped cooking. I never really understood what was happening until our friend, Joe Erhirhie, came around. He wanted to eat, but there was no food. He queried why there was no food in the house. Bayagbon responded that “all of us na big men, nobody to cook.” I got the message. Cooking was no big deal for me. From 1974 to 1982 and intermittently till 1984, I manned my mother’s kitchen. She was ill for about six years and my elder brothers were in the boarding house.

    I started cooking in Bayagbon’s, but it was tough. The married women would come to look at what I was cooking when they smelt the aroma. They were mesmerised by my sequencing in putting the ingredients in the soup or stew while cooking. Unlike the bathroom when I would leave the water and go into the room, I could not leave the food I was cooking. The lack of privacy in the kitchen drove my desire to get an accommodation and move out.

    I found a room and parlour and my own kitchen. I had to share toilet and bathroom with others, but my kitchen was mine alone, so I took it. But the two year’s rent and agent’s commission came to N6,000. I had only N2,400. I went to see my Lagos mummy. I told her my predicament. Then she asked me “how much do you have?” I told her and she told me to come back on a certain date. When I got there, N3,600 was waiting for me. That was how I rented my first accommodation in Lagos. I also learnt two lessons. Before you approach people for assistance or to invest in your business, ensure you have your own money/equity to put in. Nobody wants to put money into any venture when you have nothing to contribute and therefore lose. Also do not look down on beginners. Many in our society today are only interested in ready-made people.

    Happy birthday and many happy returns, my Lagos mummy. Oyovwi kowe t’aso t‘uvo. Oghene seroren koke koke (prayers). Your journey just started. Ekruro’phori (my maternal quarters in Ewhu, Delta State) women live up to their 90s and beyond. That is my prayer for you. Happy birthday once more. Thank you for always checking on me and my family. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. You never complained about my lousy behaviour in not calling or visiting. You often called and visited us.  I love you endlessly.

  • Obsession with penis size – By Francis Ewherido

    Obsession with penis size – By Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    Men have always been obsessed with the size of their penises. Here in Africa many tribes evolved various measures for enlarging their male organs before the Europeans arrived. In Zimbabwe, one man took an overdose of the herbs and became so big no woman would go to him except she wants to experience birth pains each time she had sex with him. His penis was almost as big as a new born baby. As at the time the story came out his sex life was gone and he was crying for help.

    We get inundated everyday with adverts on penis enlargement drugs and therapies. There is so much misinformation going on. Youngsters need to be properly guided before they go into depression or commit suicide over non issues; much ado about nothing, is a better way to say it. Many men desire bigger penis. Some young people have low self-esteem because of the size of their penis. Youngsters are my focus today.

    I already started writing this article when I remembered I did two articles on the subject about seven years ago, one of them Penis Tinz (Penis tinz – Vanguard News (vanguardngr.com) deals with the issue substantially. I therefore took some relevant portions and added fresh materials and perspectives to bring it to the present.

    Does size matter when it comes to procreation? Absolutely not. As long as the penis is big enough to go into the vagina, any man can procreate if he has healthy sperms and the wife does not have issues of infertility like blocked fallopian tubes and infections, among others. “About 10 years ago, the penises of 1,200 volunteers from all over India were measured. The outcome of the survey showed that Indian men had smaller penises by international standards. Irked by the findings, Sunil Mehra, a former Indian magazine editor said: ‘It’s not size, it’s what you do with it that matters (emphasis mine). From our population (of over one billion people), the evidence is Indians are doing pretty well. With apologies to the poet Alexander Pope, you could say, for inches and centimeters, let fools contend.” Gorillas and humans share 95 to 99 percent DNA. Gorillas have one of the smallest penis (1.5 inches or 4cm when erect) in the world compared to body size and weight. If the size of the penis mattered in procreation, gorillas would have gone extinct by now.

    Does the size of the penis matter in sexual satisfaction of your wife? The answer is yes and no. I have read stories of wives who sued for divorce because their husbands’ penises were too small. Also, some women have sued for divorce because they complained that their husbands’ penises were too big. One of such women said having sex with the husband was a nightmare and a painful experience and she never looked forward to it. Some women are put off by a small penis while some are put off by a monster dicks. In secondary school, there was this story circulating. One of the two students with the biggest dicks (we had big open bathrooms so the size of people’s penises was an open secret) went to patronize a mentally unstable prostitute popularly known as Kwamelaho (ejaculate inside). The student paid, but immediately Kwamelaho saw the size of his dick, she shouted in very raw Urhobo: “I did prostitution in Lagos and Ibadan; I also did prostitution in Benin and Warri; I have never seen anything like this. Take your money and go, I don’t want.” (It was even alleged that she told our principal that students should to stop calling her Kwamelaho, because it is not her birth name. We never knew what her birth name was).  So, the size of the penis largely depends on the woman.

    Now let us examine some more facts from research findings. An average penis length is 5.6 inches when erect. In November 2020, the NHS revealed that the average penis size in the UK is 3.7 inches, when flaccid and 5.1 inches when erect. Meanwhile the vagina length, unstimulated, ranges from 2.75 inches to about 3.25 inches. When a woman is aroused, it increases between 4.25 inches to 4.75 inches. God is a master planner! “Regardless of how long the vagina is, the area that is thought to be important for most women’s sexual response is the outer one-third.” The import of the above research finding is that the average-size penis is more than long enough to satisfy a woman.

    Still on the vagina, Christine O’Connor, MD, Director of Adolescent Gynecology and Well Women Care at Mercy Medical Center in Baltimore (United States) says it is “elastic. It is small enough to hold a tampon in place, but can expand enough to pass a child through. This is because the walls of the vagina are similar to those of the stomach; they…fold together to collapse when unused, then expand when necessary.”

    My curiosity is why have men and women been so obsessed with the size of the penis from time? The penis performs three major functions: for procreation, sexual satisfaction of your spouse   and to pass urine. So why is the obsession with size? I have watched short videos called cucumber pranks in many countries, where the guys insert a cucumber in their pants, boxers or pants and walk around in public places. The reactions from members of the public are the same. In my opinion for the men, it is a feeling of inadequacy, envy or awesomeness. For the women, some laugh and cover their faces as if they have not seen it already, some are shocked  or wide eyed, while some behave as if they should bring out the false dick and insert it in their vagina. Whether they can accommodate a cucumber-size dick is another story. I remember something the famous musician, Tiwa Savage, said some time ago. She said some men behave as if the vagina stretches from the entrance to the throat of women. Maybe those behind the pranks feel that way or may be it is just for the fun of it.

    Why are men so obsessed with the size of their penis? The answer might be in the Daily Star (UK) story of Dr. Roberto Viel and Dr. Maurizio, identical twin brothers who specialize in penis enlargement. They said increased girth (circumference) of the penis can improve sex. According to two other studies, about 90 percent of women actually “prefer a wide penis to a long one.” However, Roberto insists that most men do penis enlargement surgeries simply to feel more confident on the beach, in communal showers or in the lead up to sex. He said: “Men want to expose and show that they have a good sized penis when flaccid.”

    So the craze for a longer penis has little to do with sex. In fact the length of the penis matters more to men than to women, according to studies. The penis length seems to be more of an ego trip, a feel-good factor, a confidence booster, a psychological rather than a physical issue. Much ado about nothing? May be.

    Youngsters, face more important issues about your life, your career, getting a good spouse you can spend the rest of your life with in peace and harmony, etc. Married men, you already have children that you sired with your penis, what is your problem? Is your wife complaining about the size of your penis? Is she saying a rat she has eaten to the tail is now bitter? Then talk about the issue and find a solution. Communication in marriage can make a mountain into of a mole hill. Except for people with micro penis, I do not see any issue. If they and their wives are okay they can have their babies. No be one drop of semen dey carry millions of sperms? If it is to give your wife sexual satisfaction, discuss it together.

  • Flimsy excuses and divorces – By Francis Ewherido

    Flimsy excuses and divorces – By Francis Ewherido

    You probably still remember the court case of divorce, sometime ago. The divorce proceedings were still on in court when the woman got pregnant. You remember who impregnated her? The same husband she was about to divorce. The judge probably felt that this pair is agbaya (very unserious pair) and as any sensible judge would do, he dismissed the case. I have been seeing many cases of divorce and separation that look like the above and it is worrisome. It just shows you that the couple has not exhausted all efforts to settle their differences. I have seen some other divorce cases that are so bitter and cantankerous. Sometimes, even if the former couples decide to be civil for the sake of the children and the good times they shared together, the pain and bitterness linger on. Jumping into bed to have sex, though not impossible, is out of the way. But this couple is still going through the divorce and the woman is getting pregnant; na serious people be that?  I am not saying every divorce should end up acrimoniously. There is a couple, both of them professional colleagues, who were running a practice. They are now divorced but still run their business together and share the same office.

    Communication can resolve many of the differences that lead to divorce and separation. A younger friend was having issues in his marriage. Communication was how he resolved the issues. At the same time that he came, I was having some issues with my wife. Then I remembered what I preached: Marriage is bigger than the husband and wife, and dialogue can resolve most issues in marriage. But sometimes my wife will shun dialogue and simply tell me no problem. But on this day, I put my feet down: There is no basis for a marriage where there is no happiness. I promised her I will apologise or/and explain where it is necessary. Then she opened up and said so many things. The at-hand issues resulted from assumption and communication gap. I explained on all issues except one where I apologised. At the end, it was sound and fury signifying nothing. We were both relieved. When spouses resolve issues, they seal it but I refrained because I did not want her to feel I initiated the reconciliation because I was sex-starved. Na only bachelors dey brokpakpa (hurry). Time dey. Couples just need to be empathetic and humble themselves in their communication. But jokes apart couples need empathic communication.

    Some of the reasons for separations and divorces are bloated egos. You want your spouse to crawl and lick your foot because of your wealth, beauty, etc. Selfishness is another reason for divorces and separations. It is only you, me and I. The children do not matter, other family members, who will be affected by the breakup, do not matter. The world must revolve round you, so only you matter.

    Sometimes the issues leading to divorce run very deep. One of the topics I always shy away from is infidelity. I shy away from it because of my struggle with Christianity and Urhobo culture and because of the battle for supremacy in my heart.  I was brought up in strict Urhobo tradition and I was raised in a strict Christian home. In the Urhobo that I grew up in adultery is forbidden (do I need to qualify it “by housewives?”) and comes with serious consequences. Adultery is also discouraged in Christianity, but we serve a merciful God, who can also choose to be a consuming fire. While fidelity is binding on men and women who did civil or church wedding, it is not binding on men who only did traditional marriage. In Urhoboland, the women take a vow during marriage to be faithful, while the men do not because our culture recognises polygamy. So you cannot really accuse a traditional man of adultery.  First he did not take a vow of fidelity and second his traditional beliefs allow him to marry many wives. People who are into gender equality can quarrel with our ancestors not me. Now my dilemma is that, as Christians, we must forgive all transgressions. But as an Urhoboman, the issue of infidelity should not even arise to warrant asking for forgiveness.  As a marriage counsellor, I always feel uncomfortable telling people to do things that I am not sure I can do, but I always console myself that my view does not count; the Bible does. So I preach forgiveness.

    Whatever be the case, know the dos and don’ts of your spouse and do not cross the Rubicon. I am not against forgiveness, our tradition and Christianity, make provisions for it. I only feel you should not serve the food your spouse abhors. I have seen a few cases when spouses crossed the line and the enmity. Only God, not even time, will heal those wounds.

    The family unit remains the bedrock of any good society. Destroy the family units and you have destroyed the society. More worrisome in these divorces and separations are the celebrities and others with large followership. The collapse of their marriages has ripple effects because they have large followership and many people look up to them. They live their private lives in the social media. Every little quarrel, they unfollow each other and pull down each other‘s photograph on their social media display page (DP). How can a marriage last when no one is displaying maturity, tolerance and leadership? I understand their followers want to know everything that happens in their lives. But not everything can be on the social media. Why don’t they also make love in public for their fans and followers? I understand they need followership and trending constantly to drive traffic and make money, but marriage is private and must be kept that way from the public as much as possible.

    We were taught in public relations to put our best foot forward, so there is nothing wrong in portraying ourselves as happy couples in social media. But the shortest definition of public relations we were taught in our undergraduate days is: “do well, then say it.” If you are not doing well and you are pretending publicly, that is propaganda and hypocrisy. The time some spend on pretending to be happily married is enough to mend their troubled marriages.

    These days, people who are going into marriage seem to have a shorter fuse than people of old. For many of them, marriage is an open cage. If the going gets too tough, get out. Some of the critical elements (patience, tolerance, forgiveness) that make marriages endure are not there. Many do not know what marriage is. They do not know the part of marriage that is like surfing; they do not know that marriage is a hot kitchen some of the time, not an air conditioned room.  That is the more reason why they must look critically before jumping into matrimony.  It is very annoying, when people treat issues like marriage with enormous consequences when they fail, with levity. For reasons beyond my control.

  • Omo-Agege at 59

    Omo-Agege at 59

    By Francis Ewherido and Emma Ewherido

    Delta Central Senatorial District has had the fortune of producing some outstanding senators. Notable among them are the great Senator David Dafinone (DOD) and the erudite Senator Akpor Pius Ewherido, Aka Gogorogo), both of blessed memory. The current Senator representing Delta Central Senatorial District who is also the Deputy President of the Senate, HE Ovie Omo-Agege, whose birthday is today follows a familiar path.

    Omo-Agege had a privileged background. He was born on 3rd August 1963. His father is the late Justice James Omo-Agege, who was the Chief Judge of Delta State and his mother is the late Princess Francesca Okwendo-Wanogho, chartered public accountant in the government of Bendel State now Edo State and Delta State both of Orogun Clan in Ughelli North Local Government Area, Delta State.

    He had his early education in Bendel State. Proceeded to study law at the University of Benin and was called to the bar in 1986. He did his National Youth Service with Police Command in Kwara State. University degree and NYSC certificates which we took for granted then are now the albatross of many politicians in Nigeria. He also holds a Master’s Degree with distinction from Tulane University Law School, New Orleans, USA.

    After being called to the bar he has practiced in Nigeria and the United States for some years. His legal background prepared him for his journey in politics and government. He was at various times special assistant to the governor, commissioner for special duties and secretary to the Delta State Government. He became a senator representing Delta Central Senatorial District in 2015. He was reelected to the senate reelected in 2019. The icing on the cake was his emergence as the Deputy President of the Senate of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. The position has enabled him to surpass all his predecessors in terms of projects he attracted has to Delta Central Senatorial District. These include a Federal Government Polytechnic in Orogun, Delta State, massive improvement in electricity transmission and other electrification projects.

    In law making, his core duty, he has been involved in the following: A bill for an Act to Establish the Federal University of Petroleum Resources (FUPRE), Effurun and for Other Matters Connected Thereto, which was passed into  law and assented to by the President; National Social Security Commission (Establishment, etc) Bill, 2022 (now passed by the Senate); Court of Appeal Act (Amendment) Bill 2019; a Bill for an Act to Establish the Federal Polytechnic, Orhomuru, Orogun, which was passed and assented by the president; a   Bill for an Act to Prevent, Prohibit and Redress Sexual Harassment of Students in Tertiary Educational Institutions and for Matters Connected therewith, passed and assented to by the president; A Bill for an Act to Amend the Electoral Act No. 6, 2010 and for Connected Matters, 2019; A Bill for an Act to Amend the Electoral Act No. 6, 2010 and for Connected Matters, 2019; A Bill for an Act to Establish the National Electoral Offences Commission and for Connected Matters, 2019 he co-sponsored with Senator Abubakar Kyari and Senator Kabiru Gaya and National Industrial Court Act (Amendment) Bill 2019. There are other bills including those in the works. Now we have worked with my brother, Sen. Ewherido and know that the process of getting a bill to be passed by the state assembly and the senate is rigorous. Any good lawmaker will tell you the rigours they go through to get a bill passed. That is why some of them spend donkey years in the Senate, House of Representatives and the State Legislature without a single bill to their name.

    He has done well in the senate and will do a lot more when he becomes the governor of Delta State. Obarisi Omo-Agege is married to Rosemary Omo-Agege, also a lawyer and they both have five children. Happy birthday and many happy returns, sir.

  • Pensioners protest in Delta State – By Francis Ewherido

    Pensioners protest in Delta State – By Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    For personal reasons I have recused myself from writing about the Delta State Government, especially in the last seven years. I do not want to be misunderstood, especially now that the governor is a Vice Presidential Candidate in the next election. But something has snapped in my head and I need to put that self-imposed rule aside temporarily.

    My father died in 1988 without getting his entitlements. It had nothing to do with government though. A few individuals just wanted to play God. Like my father, most of them have gone the way of all mortals. The delay in the payment of his entitlements could have had enormous consequences if my eldest brother did not have the foresight to save part of his stipend for the rainy day. My two brothers and I would have dropped out of the university until my father’s entitlements were paid in 1990 or thereabout.

    That is partly why I am very angry with the current predicament of pensioners in Delta State. It is not peculiar to Delta State. Pensioners are being owed all over the country and it did not start today. But Deltans are my people, some of them might be relatives or family friends. Some are sick, while others cannot pay their children’s fees, rents and meet other commitments anymore. Some, like my father, will get their gratuity posthumously.

    When I heard about the blame game by officials of the Delta State government, as a result of the demonstration of pensioners in Asaba, the Delta State Capital, I was scandalised or better put in Warri language, “the nut for my head loose.” Instead of finding solutions to the problem, they are passing the buck. The explanation that the pensioners are former local government staff makes it even more annoying. What is the difference between local government and state governments in Nigeria? But for one or two states it is an open secret that state governments take local governments’ allocations and give them just enough to operate. The local government chairmen then divert the money left to build “country homes,” hotels and petrol stations. That is all they know how to do. I challenge those chairmen who have any tangible projects they executed for their people that are commensurate with the allocations they got to publish their report card stating their allocations and the projects they executed.

    In addition, there is a commissioner for local government affairs, what is his schedule of duties? Does it not include ensuring that the local governments serve their people well? These Delta State government officials are annoying some of us. They can claim that the pensioners are former local government staff. Yes, we know that the penis is different from the scrotal sack, but can you draw the boundary? Can you draw a difference between state governments and local governments even with the new era of financial autonomy of local governments? When you were having sex with a prostitute, it did not occur to you that she was a prostitute. Now she is pregnant for you, you realise she is a prostitute. It is fine to take local government money, but you shirk responsibility when you need to support them. The responsibility of government is to provide solutions not give excuses. By the way, I assume that all former staff of the Delta State Government have been paid their entitlements and only local government employees were demonstrating. If not, pay all of Delta State Government retirees have been paid, these government officials should stop this childish behaviour. Can these government officials work without pay?

    Children of the peasant farmers, those who went to school with bare feet, people who were born into crushing poverty, children of the poorest of the poor and orphans get into positions in Nigeria and instead of lifting people out of poverty by providing good governance and creating an enabling environment, they push more people into poverty. The annoying thing is that many of us from humble backgrounds completely forget where we are coming from once we get into positions where we can touch lives. Only foolish people forget their antecedents. That is partly why Nigeria is in this mess.

    On a final note, some of you pensioners demonstrating are the same people who were hiding people’s files, removing important documents from people’s files, collecting bribes before signing documents, extorting struggling contractors and collecting illegal levies from students while in service. I know you now know the bitter taste of man’s inhumanity to man. Wherever you are, be good to people so that you will be remembered for good deeds.

    ASUU Strike

    I wrote on the ASUU strike about a month ago. Then, we heard that the President had given matching orders to the Minister of Education that the issues should be resolved within two weeks so that university students can resume, it was a welcome news. The Minister of Labour was also told to recuse himself from negotiations concerning the ASUU strike. Shortly after, the presidential spokesman, Shehu Garba, came out to say that the president did not give such an ultimatum of two weeks to resolve the strike. So what did the president say? Things are getting more complicated. At the time of writing the Nigerian Labour Congress was on a two-day demonstration in support of ASUU. The situation can get worse than this.

    Meanwhile, week after week, top government officials’ assault us with photos of their children graduating in foreign universities while Nigerian universities are closed and parents wake up every day so see their children rotting away at home. The photos of the Speaker of the House of Representatives attending a leadership course in Harvard rankled many Nigerians because of the timing. Even if they need to pretend, government officials should show empathy to the governed. This misstep has diminished the great achievements he made in Surulere Federal Constituency, which he represents, especially in last four years. Typical of the Gbajabiamila I know, he has since apologised.

    Unfortunately in a few months’ time, some of these parents and students will collect N2,000 and sell their votes by voting for the same people who put them in this woe. They justify it that it is their share of the national cake. Na who swear for us?

    I have been thinking, if all top government officials had their children in public universities in Nigeria, would this strike have lingered for so long? Not likely; they would have found a way around it. Can we come up with laws to that effect? Forget it, it will not see the light of the day. In the UK, most of the best equipped hospitals are owned by the government. That is where the queen, prime minister, other top government functionaries and regular Britons go to. That is partly why they are in top shape. We are in urgent need of reforms.

  • Do I relocate my daughter to Delta State? – By Francis Ewherido

    Do I relocate my daughter to Delta State? – By Francis Ewherido

    By Francis Ewherido

    There is a saying I believe in that if you must eat a toad, go for the fat one with eggs. It is well known that Warri (By this, I mean Warri, Effurun, Ekpan and surrounding areas) is the headquarters of Pidgin English in Nigeria. You can’t beat Warri when it comes to Pidgin English. So if you really want the best Pidgin English, go to Warri.

    Meanwhile, when we were growing up in Ozoro, Isoko North Local Government Area Headquarters, Delta State, my mother banned speaking of Pidgin English and English in the house. My father had banned Pidgin English from the beginning. That was understandable because he was a graduate of English Language and head teacher of English Department. But to compound matters, my mother banned the speaking of English in the house. This rule also applied to my father. She told us we should restrict our spoken English to our various schools. But my father taught us English at home for academic purposes only. The only language allowed at home was Urhobo; not just Urhobo, but Egwhu dialect. That was how we grew up outside Egwhu, but mastered our dialect.

    I decided to follow the same model when I started my family. Everything was going smoothly. My two children then spoke my wife’s Ughievwen dialect instead of my Egwhu dialect. Then my wife was home and that was what she spoke to them, but I couldn’t be bothered. Any Urhobo dialect was good enough for me. We had close Ughievwen family friends since the 60s and I sort of fell in love with the dialect. My wife being home with them really helped. Once they started school, foreign influence (English) came in and the gains we made in Urhobo language started diminishing. May be we were too slow to react, but we imposed the rule of Urhobo only at home. My children became deaf and dumb. When they managed to string a few Urhobo words together, sometimes I got frustrated. At other times, I just laughed at the utter damage they were doing to the language. At the end, I only managed to salvage my eldest daughter, but she only speaks Urhobo when she wants to toast me for money or ask for other favours. My other children, especially the boys, are just impossible. The war to make them speak Urhobo fluently is still on.

    In those days, people used to send their children to their grandparents as a solution to their inability to understand or speak their mother tongue. But my children’s grandmothers live in Uvwie, which added to Warri, is the headquarters of Pidgin English. Both grandmothers speak Urhobo, but it is not enough. All around them, the predominant language is Pidgin English.

    Taking my children to my village is out of it. There is no one to send them to. We used to go on holidays in Egwhu when my brother, Sen Akpor Pius Ewherido, was alive. Going home on holidays will no longer be fun. All it brings are pains. In fact, I only travel home for burials and during general elections. Besides that, I can’t even send my children to Egwhu to learn Urhobo. Pidgin English has overrun, not only Egwhu but Urhobo land. I was shocked when I went round Urhobo land with a governorship candidate in 2015. I have not gone round other ethnic groups in Delta State, but I suspect they are not fairing much better in perpetuating their languages.

    The most annoying part is the kind of Pidgin English they speak in Egwhu. Egwhu, Evwreni, Uwheru and some other parts of Urhobo land have an age long quarrel with letter “L.” Long is pronounced “nong.” Land is “nand,” love is “nove,” Lucky is “noki.” While growing up there was a part of Egwhu the locals called “Eniye.” But I always suspected something was wrong because it did not sound Urhobo. The mystery continued as I got more education. Then it struck me one day that “Eniye” is corrupted LA (local authority). I laughed and laughed. Anytime my relatives visited, “eniye” rented the air in their discussions. In one of those times when my relatives visited us, I heard my father saying “eniye” while discussing with them. I was scandalised. An English Language graduate who was also head of English Language department? So why was he harassing his students for speaking bad English and wrong pronunciations? I remember his encounter with a particular student: “What’s your name?” “Tomos,” he answered. “Your name is Thomas, not Tomos.”My father retorted.  He ensured that he pronounced the name correctly before he let him go.

    I felt my father was playing double standard. Why could he not correct his relatives but rather join them in the murder of English, I wondered? Then it struck me. They were his elders, not his students. Two, you do you teach an old dog new tricks. How do you teach people who have called the area “eniye” for over 60 years that it is LA (Local Authority). Three, if he had said LA, they would have been confused because they have never heard that before.

    Anyway, back to my eldest daughter, sending her home to master speaking of Urhobo is out of the way, because the language is dying. It is a problem that affects all languages in Nigeria in varying degrees. The only exception is the Hausa language.

    As I said earlier, if you want to eat a toad, you go for the fat one with eggs. My eldest daughter has been speaking Pidgin English for a while now in spite of my frequent warnings. She loves it because I guess it makes her to connect with her root. So I was thinking of relocating her to Uvwie where both grandmothers and her uncles live so that she can eat the fattest toad, I mean, learn the best Pidgin English. But something is making me have a rethink. One of their uncles bought them gifts recently. She didn’t know that, their uncle also bought for her baby sister, the youngest in the house. When she found out, she admired it and said: “small yansh sef dey shake.” I rebuked her for disrespecting her baby sister. But it also occurred to me that she can stay in Lagos and master her new fetish (Pidgin English). Warri still remains the headquarters of Pidgin English, but you can learn “good” Pidgin English in Lagos. We are now in a “global village,” that phrase that made no sense to me in 1984 when I heard it the first time.