The relationship between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law is amoebic; it is a universal variable that differs from one case to the other. I am trying to avoid the use of the adjective “problematic” in describing the relationship because it not. The real problem are human beings who complicate simple issues. Stereotyping is one of the unhelpful ways to deal with this relationship: Daughters-in-law are controlling, selfish, lousy cooks, spiteful, domineering, aggressive, poor in parenting, attention seekers, spendthrifts, etc. Mothers-in-law, on the other hand, are witches, wicked, domineering, influencing their sons; in fact, life is better without mothers-in-law, etc.
My mind travelled back to about 1991 when a female friend told me: “Francis, to tell you the truth, most girls would prefer their to-be mothers-in-law dead before they meet their prospective husbands.” Since I have not carried out a survey to verify my friend’s assertion, let me assume it is a hyperbole. But if any woman reading this article has such a mind-set, this is my wish for you: Africa adores male children, so may God bless you with male children. Amen. Since you want your potential mother-in-law dead before you marry your husband, may you also die before your sons get married! If you refuse to say amen, stop wishing your fellow woman, you have not even met, premature death.
The daughter-in-law versus mother-in-law matters are not things you can talk about in a vacuum, so let us look at a few scenarios: A mother wants to test the girl her son wants to marry to see if she is hardworking. She brings out all the clothes in the house for her to wash. If she fails, she is lazy and not a good wife material. My take on this is, this test is out of tune with modern times. Your son might even have a washing machine and dry-cleans his suits and other delicate clothing items. Moreover, hard work goes beyond brawn. Some girls are intellectually hardworking which sometimes trumps physical strength.
Again, a mother-in-law visits her son and his family and she is going out with the family to church or social event, where should she sit in the car? She sits in the back seat. The front seats are for husband and wife, just as a king sits with his queen. It was so before she came visiting? Why displace her because it is your “son’s car?” The king’s mother does not displace or replace the queen. If she is present at a ceremony, a special place is created for her. The owner’s corner behind is that special place in this case. If the wife voluntarily decides to yield the front seat to her mother-in-law, it is a different matter.
As for the wife, if you marry a rich man from a humble background, he has an obligation to uplift the family he came from. The wife should encourage her husband to do that. If her husband is providing adequately for her and the children, why try to stop him from taking care of his parents and trying to set up his younger siblings? I have heard a woman complain that her husband is spending so much on “his family” instead of accumulating wealth for her children. That is very selfish and inconsiderate. We are talking about immediate needs, you are talking about accumulating wealth to safeguard the future of your children. What is the good education and upbringing you are giving to your children meant for? Is it not for them to chart a great future for themselves? We can go on and on with examples, but let us conserve space.
To forestall conflicts between these two sets of women, prior steps can be taken. One of the things a young girl must do during courtship is to know the family she is marrying into. It is very important because in Africa, you do not marry only your husband, you marry into the family. Knowing the family should guide you to decide whether or not you want to continue with the relationship. It helps you to know the value orientation and modus operandi of the family, especially his mother. You then decide whether or not you want to be part of such a family. But this is no guarantee because negative changes can occur after marriage, making hitherto friendly relationship toxic.
Also, women should realise that it is very difficult for you to marry your husband and isolate him from his family (parents, siblings and relatives). In fact I drive it into my children’s head and other young people around me that any potential spouse who wants to separate you from the family you came from is evil. Rather, he/she should become part of the family and embrace them. If that is not possible, the minimum is to tolerate them. I am totally against disrespecting your spouse’s family. If you are having issues with a member of your spouse’s family, inform your spouse to deal with it. Do not resort to disrespect.
On the other hand, husbands, especially, should realise that one of his major roles is to protect his wife against external aggression and this includes aggression from his family members. I have used this example before. In the early beginnings of a friend of mine in the 90s, his mother came around. Usually, my friend took eba and soup in the morning and for dinner. He ate before going to work. When he came back from work, he settled down to eat the same food again but noticed that the taste of the soup had changed. He summoned his wife: Bridget, I ate this soup this morning, what happened? The wife responded that mama said the soup was not tasty enough and added salt and other measures to make it taste better. My friend was livid. He called his mother and told her the most you should done have was change the taste of her own portion, not the entire pot of soup.
This brings me to the next point, the man of the house (husband and son) is very critical to creating a harmonious and peaceful relationship between his wife and his mother. He must be firm, fair and just. But in doing this, he has to be diplomatic. That his wife is in the wrong does not mean he should humiliate her before his mother and vice versa. He needs wisdom to navigate through. I always say that it, it is not compulsory for your mother and wife to be friends. What is compulsory is that they are mother-in-law and daughter-in-law because one is your mother and the other is your wife. Mutual respect is very important. Do not take sides with the offender for any reason. What is wrong is wrong. If they are bent on living like cat and dog, put them in watertight compartments so that you can have your peace of mind. But this is not easy to keep them apart as it used to be when you could stop communication through avoiding physical interaction. Now a simple phone call can cause friction between them. Latent interference {Latent interference – Francis Ewherido – Vanguard News (vanguardngr.com)} has become easy with advancement in communication (mobile phones, emails, WhatsApp, etc. But you have to find a way to deal with their conflicts before someone sends you to premature death.
Wives and mothers play/played a unique role in the life of a man (husband/son). The roles are unique because they cannot be switched. These roles must therefore be mutually respected and acknowledged. A mother-in-law should not see a daughter-in-law as her caretaker or someone who wants to reap where she did not sow. Also a daughter-in-law should not see the mother-in-law as an actress who has completed her role and must now quit the stage. Both mind sets are wrong and unhelpful.
