Tag: Marriage

By Francis Ewherido

When you are in the marriage and family business, you come across all kinds of questions and situations. Somebody asked me, “How is it that the men always die first in marriages?” I have always felt that the men are older, so they should naturally die first. That is one of the major factors in calculating in life insurance premium. As you grow older, your premium rate increases. The assumption is that older people are more likely to die. It is not always like that, but actuaries (insurance mathematicians) had to come up with parameters to arrive at life insurance premiums.

But my man had other ideas. He feels that it is because of the stress men go through as breadwinners and the pressure some wives put their husbands through: wives who compare their husbands with other men, wives who live above their means and put their husbands under pressure to meet up with foolish lifestyles, some wives who will not support their husbands even when the husband is going through a patch or out of job because the husband ought to be the breadwinner. They conveniently forget that wives are helpmates (Some women debunk this; they say that some men die because they are too proud to ask their wives for support. That must be in the past because now husbands and wives team up financially to run most homes); he went on and on. These pressures, according to him, make the men to begin to die slowly through high blood pressure, diabetes, enlargement of the heart, heart failure, kidney failure, etc., until they finally die. I did not say much because I did not have evidence to prove him right or wrong. I also wondered, what about wives who also suffer from similar ailments.

But now I ask, are wives killing their husbands gradually with her nagging, unreasonable demands, bad behaviour and disrespect for their husbands?  For me, if you cannot respect your husband anymore, drop his name, revert to your maiden name and leave his wretched house. Disrespect is a ruthless killer; that’s why in I Peter 3, Ephesians 5:33 and other passages, in the bible admonish women to respect their husbands.  Before feminists pounce on me, I am aware of the balancing part that says, husbands, love your wives. Men should build their armour. If not, you will die and the world, including your wife, will move on. What you need most in marriage is your peace of mind. Once your marriage cannot give you your peace of mind, deal with it… dialogue, change of orientation, just any right way you can sort it out.

Some women might also want to drag the matter further that why are husbands cheating on their wives when they are supposed to love them? I do know. You will have to ask them when you run into them, but I can say that love for wives by some husbands has nothing to do with their infidelity. I know two men (one of them is late now) who were serial cheats, but they could kill you if you toiled with their wives (I don’t mean sleeping with their wives). Then it used to mystify me because I could not reconcile their philandering with hundreds of women/girls over time. They sacked and punished their drivers and cooks for minor issues like coming 30 minutes late and keeping madam waiting. I had no doubt they adored their wives. Even their girlfriends who mistakenly toiled with their wives lived to regret it.

These days, findings show that wives and husbands are neck deep in the race to take first position in infidelity. You do not go to equity with filthy hands. Wives need to stay clean before accusing their husbands.

Let me round up with another matter. The story of the lady who died tragically while chasing her husband and his side chick is still fresh in our memories. When the story first broke, I avoided talking about it because I had been misled a week earlier in a social media post. I only believed the story when I saw it in mainstream media and credible online media. I really sympathise with her. It is very sad. She is gone now, but the rest of us can learn some lessons. One, if you are angry, do not act. You might do foolish things or hurt yourself. Two, be ready for the consequences of your actions. Some men justify having side chicks because our fore fathers did it. In those days, an Urhobo man would tell his wife to lock the door after he leaves the house at night. That meant “I am going to spend the night with my concubine. I will not be back till tomorrow.” Our great grandmothers knew the concubines of their husbands. In fact, the first name of the father of Barr Spencer Ohwofa, my friend APC candidate for Ughelli Constituency II in the forthcoming Delta State House of Assembly election is Agogojose (let us ring the bell to inform the world that I have a concubine). If the husband had let the wife know that the other woman was not just a learned colleague, but his side chick, this death would have been avoided. My father always told us that you cannot stop a child from growing protruding teeth, he should just grow enough lips to cover the teeth. Why the cowardice? Inform your wife about your side chick.

I will never be a fan of polygamy because I am a lazy man. Only strong men can handle two or more women. But I respect polygamists. Instead of bend-bend waka, dem dey put the other woman/women for house make the whole world know say dem dey the league of strong men with more than one wife. Three, the late wife not only lost the husband he wanted to keep to herself, she is also not be alive to bring her children up to her specification. Four, there is no room for third parties in a marriage. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Some are just there to destroy your marriage. It would have been better if she waited for the husband and the two of them even had a “fight” at home. A busybody once lived close to us. He would come to the house and tell my mum, “I thought you were the one I saw in front of your husband’s car. I saw him on the road. My mum would respond. “You know my husband loves rendering help to people.” Life was very safe in the 70s and my father really loved helping people. One pregnant woman once delivered in the backseat of my father’s car before they got to the hospital. Five, for the informant, I hope she is happy now. Someone I knew and could talk to was messing around. I was planning to confront her and let know her actions could destroy the husband because he really loved her. Miraculously, she came to her senses and stopped, or so I believe. If this informant wished her late friend well, she should have confronted the husband and let him know the consequences of his action.

The husband is young and has young children to bring up. He is likely going to remarry, not to the side chick, hopefully. I hope he has learnt his lessons.