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Tag: Michael West

  • Michael Awe for burial July 29

    Michael Awe for burial July 29

    The burial arrangements have been announced of Michael Olusesan Awe (aka Michael West), a columnist with TheNewsGuru.com (TNG).

    TNG reports Michael Awe, born on September 10, 1963 in the ancient town of Akure in Akure South Local Government Area of Ondo State, died on Saturday, June 11, 2022.

    Mike, as he was fondly called by friends and admirers, was involved in a motor accident on the Lagos-Ibadan Expressway. He died at the Ogun State Teaching Hospital in Sagamu.

    According to the burial arrangements released by the Awe family, the funeral service/interment will hold on Friday 29th July, 2022 by 12 noon at Bell Funeral Service Cemetry, Ondo road, Akure, Ondo State.

    Before then, a wake keep/service of songs will hold on Wednesday 27th July, 2022 by 4 pm at Dada Arejogbo street, Iju Ishaga, Lagos State.

    TNG reports Mike was aged 59. He is survived by an aged mother, children and siblings.

  • Despair: Suicide, Never an Option! – By Michael West

    The shocking news of a suicide reportedly committed by a telecommunications company’s employee, Folake Abiola, an accountant, last weekend, shook the news media space. Largely described as a good woman, unmarried and an active church worker, Folake painfully ended her life abruptly.

    Several issues have so far been speculated as likely causes of her action but since she’s no more to tell us exactly why she did it, let’s leave out the speculations. However, what is glaring is that she was troubled. She kept her pains to herself until it snowballed into a mental health issue which eventually led to suicide. For those who may care to know, depression is a common mental disorder.

    In February 8, 2020 edition of this column, headlined: “Heartbreak: Suicide, Never an Option,” I addressed the issue with real life encounters. In fact, the woman I counselled against suicide who was jobless, frustrated and depressed at the time is now a lecturer in a state university. 

    Because of the relevance of the article to the issue at stake, and for the benefit of those who have not read it, I hereby present a part of the February 8, 2020 article. Read on:

    A number of people have expressed despair about life generally, while two of them confided in me about their plans to end their lives gruesomely and prematurely through suicide. January 4, 2020 precisely, God ‘arrested’ a woman on her way to drown herself in an undisclosed river. “I was in a public vehicle to the river to drown myself when suddenly I saw a man with a flaming sword waiting at the bank of the river. I could hear him loud and clear while still in the bus. He told me to go back otherwise he would cut me into pieces. That’s how I alighted from the bus about two kilometers to the river and I came back home.”

    January 23, 2020, I had a late night WhatsApp chats and later a call with another woman and a friend who had made up her mind to end her life in a matter of days. I decided to publish our chats here because of several others who are still mooting such an evil idea in their minds. Please read and share this article as a way of stopping the needless cases of suicide. Our chats:

    “Good evening, sir.”

    ‘Evening my dear. How are you doing?’

    “I’m fine, sir. And you?”

    ‘All glory to God, I dey kampe.’

    “Thank God”

    ‘Are you into another relationship now?’

    “I’m yet to”

    ‘How about your job?’

    “I’ve not got anything serious”

    ‘Why?’

    “But nothing interests me anymore. I want to go”

    ‘Go to where?’

    “My Maker”

    ‘By what means?’

    “Never mind”

    ‘You should talk to me. Are we no longer friends? I want to invite you for a talk’

    “That’s nice. Anyway, I just want to tell you, sir, not to bother about me again. The game is almost over. I will soon go. I don’t want it to come to you as a rude shock. It is well with my soul.”

    ‘Are you saying you want to end it all by committing suicide?’

    (No response – Silence)

    ‘Are you still there?’

    “Yes, sir”

    ‘Answer me now’

    “Absolutely”

    ‘You don’t mean it. You want to commit suicide and throw your parents into mourning at old-age? You want to commit suicide and leave your three beautiful children to suffer? You want to commit suicide so you go into eternal condemnation in hell for committing murder? Who said your soul will go into eternal rest or peace if you kill yourself? How will your untimely death be the solution to your problems? Already your straying husband is dating another woman, enjoying himself as if he’s never been married. Is death your only response to his action for deserting you and your children even when you are not at fault?

    ‘Have you forgotten the saying that: “when there’s life, there’s hope”? Let me assure you, my dear, nobody has ever committed suicide without regretting it yonder. God doesn’t accept sorry or repentance in hell. While you are alive, you can make peace with God, your Maker. You have ample opportunities to repent and restitute your ways before death. There’s no room for repentance inside the grave.

    ‘All the prayers and wishful expressions people make for the dead have no impact or relevance in the deceased’s eternal destination. You can’t pray for the dead and the dead can’t pray for you either. Prayers for the dead are mere religious rites that are of no effect on the departed. The only prayers that are very meaningful and effectual at funerals are those offered for the friends, family members of the deceased and the other mourners. Sermons at funerals are meant for the living while the entire burial ceremony is just a reminder to everybody that it will be an individual’s turn someday.

    ‘Therefore, think deeply about your decision to end your life prematurely and unceremoniously. Think about the negative news report the incident will generate in the media. Think about the image, embarrassment and grief your death will bring to your family and children. If after your death Nigeria becomes a haven of opportunities, do you think there’s a way you will benefit from it? How will you feel, if God permits you to look back in torment of hell and see your children attaining greatness and success when you should still be alive to reap the fruits of your labour?

    ‘If because you are no more, (God forbid) your children become deprived, molested, oppressed and enslaved by other women, strangers or callous people, how will you feel if you are allowed to see their condition from the pit of hell? Lastly, how will you feel, if you look back and see your husband, despite his wayward lifestyle, later repents and make it to heaven while you languish in eternal abyss whereas you are in hell because of his bad behaviours?

    ‘Jesus the Lord says that what shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul; or what will he use in exchange of his soul? The simple understanding of this profound statement is that the entire American dollars ever printed plus the whole British pound sterling including the choicest mansions and the best of cars, yachts and jets put together are not worth the value of one soul in the sight of God. The spirit in you that makes you a living soul is that of God and not your own. Therefore, forceful termination of life is a grave offence punishable by eternal condemnation in the pit of hell where God does not answer prayers or accept apologies for any wrong doing. Think about these things and make your choice.’

    “Hmmmmmm”

    ‘Hello’

    “Hi, sir”

    ‘What’s your response to what I have stated?’

    “Thank you, sir. I’m grateful”

    ‘You’re welcome. Are you still going ahead on your suicide mission?’

    “Hmmmm. I don’t think so”

    ‘Meaning?’

    “I have changed my decision, sir. I will give life a little more push (weeps)”

    ‘Really?’

    “(She sobs) Yes, sir”

    ‘You’re not a mistake. God created you and everyone else purposefully. Be positive about life. Stop searching for who will bear your burden with you. Whoever God has ordained for you will certainly locate you. Get your acts together, pray the more, double your efforts at engaging yourself in productive ventures, and be positive about life and about yourself. Make yourself happy, my dear. By this time next year, your life will be a testimony of a great turnaround!’

    “Amen, sir. Thank you. Good night (weeps)”

    In conclusion, regardless of what life may throw at us, courage, patience, unrelenting efforts, prayers and faith in God for a better tomorrow will sustain us. Vicissitudes of life present diverse people with diverse problems; and solutions will come in diverse ways also. The greatest treasure God gave to mankind is life, and whoever terminates his/her own has committed an unforgivable sin and the judgment of God awaits the person hereafter. Therefore be strong, courageous and hopeful. Your tomorrow is great and God will see you through. Amen!

    Quote:

    “Anyway, I just want to tell you, sir, not to bother about me again. The game is almost over. I will soon go. I don’t want it to come to you as a rude shock. It is well with my soul.”

     

    • West wrote via

    mikeawe@yahoo.co.uk

    08059964446

    08035304268

  • Now that husbands are scarce commodities – By Michael West

    Now that husbands are scarce commodities – By Michael West

    A woman approached her pastor for prayers concerning marriage because she’s agitated as delay in getting a man was no longer taken lightly. While on her knees, the pastor asked why she wanted to marry. The question was rather funny as the woman and I burst into ribs cracking laughter. He went further to say “Why do you want to enter into ‘problem’ while you’re doing well on your own? Are you not aware that several married women are planning to exit their marriages because of daunting challenges they’re facing in it? You better stay calm and serve God peacefully as a single and satisfied woman. Don’t complain to me later about whatever you meet in marriage.” Meanwhile, the pastor spoke just to prank her. The truth is that every woman deserves and desires marriage!

    The hue and cry for husbands again has become increasingly louder. Gone are the years when women were shy to talk about their need of men to marry. The facade has disappeared and the reality has set in.

    It is no surprise that women have stepped up their game in search of husbands. In recent times, I have seen beautiful women advertising themselves on social media. “You can see my boobs, they’re moderate in size. See my butt (she turned her back to the camera), it is not bad. I’m light in complexion, average in height and nicely slim. I’m a single mother of one girl. That’s all I can say for now. If you are interested in me, please dm me. I’m available for a serious and responsible man only.” That’s one of the videos I have watched online.

    Another model-like single woman danced her while her profile was running on the screen all through. She looks clean in her natural beauty. In my encounter with some of such ladies, they demonstrate maturity, patience and courtesy. They appear welcoming and hospitable. So far, none has portrayed herself as being desperate even as they fling open their flanks to entertain potential suitors.

    Last week, star actress Eucharia Anunobi-Ekwu, 56, who was rumoured to be having a romantic affair with a 27-year-old man, told whoever cared to listen that she’s in need of a “complete man for marriage urgently.”  The urgency is what underlines her need. But I think rather than messing around with young boys and in order to safe her image from avoidable scandal even now she claims to be a gospel minister, she desperately needs a man to fill the void and satisfy her emotional need and sexual urge.

    Is it that there’s paucity of single men who are ready for marriage and the available ones are not enough to go round? A number of factors are responsible for why men appear to be in short supply. Economic factor is key. Financial ability of men to meet up with the responsibilities associated with marriage is a major factor. Besides all that is involved to fulfill rites and demands of wedding, the resources to finance the home in form of paying the bills, caring for the in-laws, feeding, family projects like owning a property, provision for children’s education and other vital obligations are the determinant factor.

    In this age, men are no longer the sole financiers of their homes. It has become shared responsibilities with their spouses. Many of the single and searching women are engaged in businesses and paid jobs. It is one thing to be productive and gainfully employed or having thriving businesses but it is a different thing altogether for such women to be supportive in marriage. Some women don’t trust their men enough to invest their resources with them for fear of infidelity and irresponsibility. They argue that there are men who will never be transparent in their financial dealings with their spouses. “They will tell you cock and bull stories to explain their financial inadequacy to meet their obligations at homes whereas they have started having extramarital affairs. One day information will reach you that your husband has a child or children outside. At the end of the day, you have no choice than to live with the reality that he’s no longer ‘my husband’ but now ‘our husband.’

    Men, too, have their fears. Not a few men will not be transparent to their women not only in financial matters but also in some plans and vital decisions. They justify their actions based on their experiences. They are of the opinion that “women would not relent until they make sure that the money they are aware of is spent to the last penny. Besides, they don’t joke with their own money. They won’t let you know even when they have. They are fond of saying their own money is solely to theirs but husbands’ money is ‘our money’. They taught men how to be secretive. They are selfish and could be unpredictably mean.” This speaker, a man of 42 years experience in marriage and who has been married twice acknowledged that his statement does not apply to every woman. “I want to agree that it is an individual habit,” he said.

    Obviously, trust is a major issue in marriages where unity of purpose and operating one purse is lacking. Be that as it may, intending wives must be fully abreast of what it takes to run a successful family life. Some of the things they must factor into their plans include:
    • Severance of every link with their ex-lovers that could lure them into extramarital affairs. If the ex has value and respect for matrimony, they could maintain a decent family relationship with their spouses fully in the know.

    • They must determine to make their marriages work. Knowing full well that challenges and attitudinal differences would occur. The ability to manage the situation by not allowing it to get out of hand requires patience, tolerance and understanding their weaknesses.

    • They should focus more on the strengths than weaknesses of their men. Recalling past misdeeds would rather refresh old wounds and create disaffection in the home.

    • Mutual respect, trust and appreciation are needed tonic for bonding. Besides satisfactory sex and culinary ability, she must be accommodating especially to her in-laws and family friends.

    • She must go into marriage with a man she truly loves and with whom she enjoys great confidence and friendship. When children come on the scene, her attention for the man must not be utterly affected. Such emotional neglect and distancing are silent issues rocking some troubled marriages.

    There’s no doubting the fact that men that are prepared for marriage are not many in number compared to those who want women for casual relationships. Most of the single men (single dads inclusive) are willing to settle down if they can muster the economic strength to function as husbands and if their women are willing to cooperate with them to build the home together.

    Men should not be intimidated by any display of class by women especially on social media. Many of what you see are mere packaging and tricks to marketing themselves to attract the best they can have. Natural beauty adorned with good character based on moral values are some of the indicators of a good wife-to-be. May you encounter your good match this weekend. Amen.

  • Remarriage: Coping with Abused, Damaged Spouses – By Michael West

    Remarriage: Coping with Abused, Damaged Spouses – By Michael West

    The most difficult and delicate person to marry is a person who came out of an abused, emotionally damaged and mentally tortured marriage. It is akin to a wounded lioness that survived a hunter’s snare. Any animal that dare to intrude on her space or tries to hurt her cubs will not live to tell the story. That is how delicate it is to marry a deeply hurt soul.

    Coming out of an abusive marriage is not a joke. Victims of bad marriages that venture into another relationship need to be encouraged and supported. Not a few people have vowed never to have anything to do with marriage again because of their miserable experiences.

    They become excessively sensitive, easily irritated and abnormally suspicious of whoever shows interest in them. They find it difficult to forget hurtful experiences from their failed marital relationships. Any unpleasant traits similar to that of their abuser found in the new partner will automatically trigger strong resistance and self-defence. In many cases, they lose emotional balance to manage and control their reactions.

    It is courageous of abused persons to give love a chance in their hearts. It is not always easy as healing and recovery pace in individuals differ. While some could brace up, take the pains in their strides and move on, others may brood over, lament and massage their hurts for a longer period of time. People may get abused in similar ways but they won’t be healed at equal pace.

    A man stayed away from his home for weeks before he was persuaded to return because his new wife was nagging too much. He feared that he might be in for another unpleasant marriage if his new wife has the same behavioural patterns like his divorced wife. He parted ways with his first wife because, according to him, she frequently unleashed verbal assaults on him which often led to emotional breakdown coupled with her refusal to cook for him whenever they had issues.

    The new wife, on her part, admitted being temperamental because of the nasty experience of her close friend in her marriage which she doesn’t want to smell at all. “This is how my friend’s husband behaves. He looks so cool but he’s dealing with his wife silently. His harmless mien is deceptive. He rarely raises his voice but he’s a hard and difficult man. I wouldn’t wait until he starts showing his bad side before I preempt him. If I have to nag to prevent bad treatment from happening to me I think it’s okay,” she said.

    Meanwhile, the man took a walk from her because his failed marriage was hinged on bad temperament and verbal assaults by his first wife. “And because I don’t want to be involved in domestic violence or wife battering, I decided to end the union. Now that I’m seeing a similar trait in my new woman, I then decided to leave the home to serve as a warning to her. I hate nagging and verbal abuse with passion. This is a way to let her know that I will call it quit if she would not allow us to live in peace.” He said in a telephone conversation with me. As we speak, they have settled and she has apologised to her man. I made her to know that there are no two people who are exactly the same in everything.

    Uncountable loving and caring souls have been unjustly tormented by those they loved affectionately. They were rewarded harshly for their commitment and sacrifice in relationships. Rather than being appreciated and celebrated, they get insults, intimidation and punches in return for their courteous behaviours.

    Emotionally crushed person needs a gentle, mature and understanding partner to heal fast. Smarting from an abusive relationship could alter one’s reactions and perceptions. Whoever will marry a hurting soul must insulate himself from anger. He must be calm and friendly enough to make the bruised partner talk. He must demonstrate tolerance that would earn the trust of the hurting soul. He must see the crushed partner as a sick that needs utmost care and attention to heal.

    One of the helpful ways for the hurting partner is not to engage in transferred aggression. That is a common reaction in many people. We should be mindful of the fact that the new partner is not in anyway connected with the pains and disappointment of the past. That a woman caused you to cry does not mean that every other woman that comes your way must pay for the ‘sin.’ Likewise, there are women who do not see anything good in other men simply because they were unlucky to pair with wrong men in their failed marriages. None of these scenarios is correct. Men are not the same in many respects just as women also differ in behaviours. To stereotype people along negative traits is a sure way to stay hurting even years after. Such a toxic disposition is capable of denying one the joy of friendship and happy marriage.

    Relating with a deeply hurt person in a relationship requires patience, tolerance and understanding. However, one must engage the bruised often in conversations. Talking lightens a burdened heart and brightens the mood. The more they talk and interact, the faster they heal up.

    The idea of visiting pains and hurt on everybody around is wrong. We should deal with the new partner on their individual merit and not to embark on transferred aggression. Remember that the person in your life now is not the cause of your misery. Learn to deal with people separately. This is why it is advisable not to see the new partner from the prism of your abuser. Being human, people unknown to one another could share one of two similarities perhaps in some ways but the fact remains that there are no two persons that are exactly the same in everything.

    A forgiving heart is a peaceful one. Forgiveness should rather be a lifestyle than being forced. It heals and rebuilds broken walls of relationships. By this, hope for a better and sweeter relationship is developed.

    In an event whereby it is becoming difficult to let go and thereby not enjoying the new relationship because of the hurting experience of the past, they should seek help. A visit to clinical psychologist and emotional intelligence expert will go a long way in restoring sanity and normalcy in the abused spouse.

    Applying the power of prayers and embarking on retreat for spiritual restoration is as important as the air we breathe. This is in addition to cultivating friendship and socializing with family and friends for a peaceful and happy marital life after a devastating and horrible experience of abusive marriages.

    Do have a fun-filled weekend ahead.

    • West wrote via

    mikeawe@yahoo.co.uk

    08035304268

    08059964446

  • Mixed Blessings of ‘Exporting’ Troubled Marriages – By Michael West

    Mixed Blessings of ‘Exporting’ Troubled Marriages – By Michael West

    The incidents of failed marriages abroad is raising so much concern back home in Africa especially in Ghana and Nigeria. Most of the affected marriages were taken abroad in quests for better opportunities but which could not survive due to Western culture of equality and gender rights laws. In this write-up, Mrs. Alice Olusola, a writer and family affair counsellor, highlighted the risks involved in exporting troubled marriages. Please read on:

    The fad nowadays is for families to relocate abroad: the husband, wife and children. It is disheartening, however, to note that after the euphoria of seeking greener pastures wanes, most of the marriages begin to show obvious cracks which may eventually lead to separation or divorce. In some terrible cases, people have been known to engage in spousal homicide as a means of extricating themselves from bad marital entanglements.

    Now, it is advisable that if a marriage is not good in Nigeria, exporting it to the West will automatically serve its death knell. Before spouses decide to migrate, care must be taken to ensure that the marriage is strong enough to withstand the contrasting lifestyle that comes with living in hitherto unfamiliar cultural environment as well as stand the test of the new awareness of boundless freedom mostly enjoyed by the wife. Women, by nature, have the memory of an elephant; they never forget. They are also wired to internalize emotional wounds and pains waiting for the appropriate time to take their pounds of flesh.

    In addition to this, most countries in the West give women special rights and privileges which tend to stifle men in most relationships from Africa. Knowing the extent of these rights and privileges, many women are ready to pay their men, who have been excessively dictatorial and oppressive from home, back in their own coins.

    Take Beatrice for example, her husband is 15 years older than her but he’s an unrepentant bully. She’s slim, even after four children, looking beautiful, tall and fair in complexion. Beatrice had suffered verbal abuse for the most part of the 24 years of the marriage. If the man is not telling her how senseless she is today, tomorrow he is comparing her to other more productive and engaged women who bring money to the family’s coffers. A graduate of Economics, Beatrice was one of the best in her set.

    She met Jerome, her husband, during a visit to a mutual friend of theirs. Jerome had been divorced from the mother of his first four children and was free to mingle. One thing led to the other and bingo, their first child was on the way. In quick successions came three more which included a set of twin girls. Jerome insisted that he needed his wife to take adequate care of their children and so confined her to the four walls of the home while he went about seeking sustenance for his family. As time went on, her obedience became her greatest undoing since every move she made, the man would insult and call her derogatory names. He had reduced her self-esteem to smithereens.

    As God would have it, the woman won a visa lottery in 2002 and the entire family migrated to the United States of America. Today, Beatrice is in charge of the home as she’s compensating herself for the series of abuses of the past. “My friend, revenge is sweet. Here, you treat women with utmost respect and not in the crude ways African men do by boxing women into a corner like inconsequential sub humans who must walk in the shadows of their husbands. Now, he’s careful lest he runs foul of the law because he knows what the consequences of his action would be,” she told me during a telephone conversation.

    Like Beatrice, Melanie was a daughter of a clergy. Marrying her first love, Yusuf, seemed like a perfect match until he lost his job. “Though I tried my best to ensure he didn’t suffer any discomfort as I took up the payment of the bills but Yusuf was suspecting every move I made. He accused me of sleeping with my bosses and complained endlessly if I buy anything for myself. He would tell me how, as the man of the house, the Bible expected me to submit everything including my pay packet to him. I found that hard to deal with because he seemed to have gone paranoid at some point. He would sleep all day when he should be on the move looking for job but he relaxed in the fact that I had a good job that could feed our family while I give him money to cater for his parents and siblings and to flex with his friends.

    “Soon, I got an opportunity to go study abroad and the package included my family. Of course, I was ecstatic with joy not because of the juicy package that the scholarship entailed but by the fact that fate was giving me a long whip with which to steer my husband back in line. The moment we landed in America, I read a riot act to him. “Nobody in this family, except the children who were of course below 18, would eat in the house unless they earned money to purchase the food. I didn’t have to explain too much before he got the message. The laissez faire attitude had to stop. The same man who refused to lift a finger in Nigeria became a restless job hunter immediately after the riot act. I guess he realized that the party was over and I was ready to do away with him if he failed to live up to his responsibilities as a father and husband. Now in America, he works like a responsible man and picks every bill without stress unlike the way he laid-back in Nigeria. We are all living happily ever since. Western countries are a training ground for irresponsible and oppressive husbands,” she said.

    The story is not different for Clara. Her husband would beat her at will and threaten to throw her things out. In fact, he actually made good his threat on one occasion, he threw her things out and it took the intervention of her parents for the husband to allow her back home. Though she wasn’t a housewife because she had a shop where she sold groceries and household utensils, her husband had very little respect for her. He felt he was the only one fending for the family and so treated his wife badly. She would weep and pray and wonder where she had gone wrong and no answers ever came.

    Miraculously, the husband secured a family visa which took them out of the country. “It was like he was slow to realize that we were out of Nigeria. He started his oppressive habits again and one day, he hit me on the face. I then screamed so loud that one of our neighbours had to call 911. Before we could say Jack Robinson, the police had arrived. I looked at his fear-striken countenance and I had pity on him. When the policemen asked if I was alright, I answered yes. I told them that I screamed because of a cockroach I found in the kitchen. Although it was obvious that they didn’t believe me, anyway, they left with the instruction that if I sensed danger, I should not hesitate to call. From that day, whenever he attempted anything funny, I would quickly remind him that 911 is just a call away. He would pick his shirt and walk away.”

    Much as one does not subscribe to a wife threatening her husband with deportation, one would also not object if that is the only weapon a woman wields to restore her dignity, force her man to respect her and prevent constant emotional and physical abuse.

    A marriage that is bedeviled with verbal, financial, sexual, emotional and physical abuse in Nigeria will not fare better abroad unless the parties involved determine to mutually respect each other and work for the common good of their home. If your marriage is wounded here in Nigeria, don’t bother to export it! ​

    • West wrote via

    mikeawe@yahoo.co.uk

    08035304268

    08059964446

  • Divorce: Why the Heat is on the Church – By Michael West

    Divorce: Why the Heat is on the Church – By Michael West

    The uproar that greeted the deaths of star worship leader, Osinachi Nwachukwu, 42, and former banker, Chinyere Ogudoro, 47, allegedly due to abusive treatments unleashed on them in their respective marriages, apparently brought the Christian doctrine on marriage under scrutiny.

    The church is the Body of Christ on earth. It is the assembly of God’s people wherever they are located. Beyond the four walls of buildings and auditoriums, individuals that are truly born again are members of the Church of God irrespective of their sects, denominations, colours, races or languages. The church is the pillar of truth (1 Timothy 3:15), she is governed by the law of love (John 13:34), she lives by the doctrine of Christ (Mark 1:22) and Christ is the Head of the Church (Colossians 1:18).

    God holds the institution of marriage so dear to Himself because the entire global population is the summation of family units. Nobody drops the sky; even Christ was born in a family to fulfil the law of procreation.

    The church’s doctrine on marriage is sacrosanct. Her teachings are aimed at protecting the sanctity of holy matrimony. The problem is that we dwell on the letters of the Word more than the Spirit of Word. Paul the Apostle warned that “the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.” 2 Corinthians 3:6). The carnal and mental interpretations of the Word do engender confusion, conflict of opinions and divisions along denominational sentiments. On the issue of marriage and divorce in particular, the letter is killing us! We need the help of the Holy Spirit through whose inspiration the Word was written (2 Timothy 3:16) for the rhema to unravel the mystery behind the knotty issues.

    The church regulates the conducts of her members through the doctrine of Christ. Marriage as an institution ordained by God Himself has the Word as its manual. Sadly, most of us, including seemingly sanctimonious believers, have violated and are still violating His rules and principles on marriage. The human failure gave rise to divorce! As rightly affirmed by Jesus, it was not so from the beginning. (Matthew 19:8).

    In view of the reality of our contemporary world, divorce, unfortunately, has become part of the marital problems we have to live with. It is true that God hates divorce. It is true that divorce is hurtful. And it is true that divorce is capable of truncating dreams and aspirations of people involved with their children as victims. However, divorce is still a preferred way out of abusive and life threatening marriages. Nothing could please God more than a divorce done in order to stay alive. It is only the living that can worship God.

    Osinachi’s death sparked an avalanche of criticisms against anti-divorce doctrine of the church. The reason was because many Christians have suffered abuses of varying degrees in their troubled marriages but the fear of stigma, ostracization and condemnation by their fellow believers and the church leadership kept them perpetually subdued until some died while several others developed serious health issues as a result. The question agitating the minds of rational thinkers and pragmatic believers has been that is it that God is satisfied with the plights of His children in marital turbulence, preferring their death while trying to keep to a religious dogma? Never! He’s a compassionate Father.

    Jesus described God as our Father (John 20:17). Therefore, no father will allow his child to die prematurely in a bad marriage for whatever reason. The essence of marriage is for companionship, friendship and fellowship. God’s blessing of procreation through which mankind replenishes the earth with godly seeds is embedded in companionship.

    It is obvious that the misconstrued doctrine against divorce is largely due to literal interpretation of the scripture which is based on the letters and not the Spirit of the Word; and this had brought about conflicting opinions. I have written in this column previously that church fathers should convey a solemn assembly where knotty and contentious marital issues like divorce, separation, polygamy and single parenthood will be discussed and acceptable decisions reached. We have the mandate to so decide as members of the Body of Christ (Matthew 18:18-19).

    When there was a disputation in the early church regarding circumcision, the leaders of the church converged in Jerusalem under the leadership of the Apostles of the Lord and the elders. The matter was debated and an acceptable decision was taken (Acts 15). Doctrinal issues are within the purview of church leaders to decide by the leading of the Holy Spirit. This challenge, I earnestly pray, that church fathers in Nigeria would accept to undertake. The Pentecostal movement under the leadership of the Pentecostal Fellowship of Nigeria, PFN, can initiate the move for the larger Christian body to be involved.

    Before I conclude, I like to share a portion of my former boss and big brother, Bola Bolawole’s column on Wednesday while writing on the late Osinachi Nwachukwu’s death. He analysed the “putting away” (divorce) from the prism of the Spirit and not the letters of the Word thus:

    “This is the “putting away” or divorce that God hates: “For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce (putting away), For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the LORD of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously” (Malachi 2:16). God was talking more specifically to the man than the woman. The practice must have been prevalent then, as it is now, that men, when they have become wealthy or fulfilled, when their social status is upswing, they suddenly realise they need a more beautiful, more educated, more socially savvy, and more “lepa” wife to fit into their new social status. The wife of their youth, probably after a few children and years of child-bearing, no longer possesses the magical “figure-eight” or has become too old for comfort and a younger, fresher damsel is thus needed to take her place. God says: Do not put her away! That was the “putting away” that God hates; not a woman fleeing the evil of an abusive or life-threatening marriage. God did not condemn women to ‘stay put’ in an abusive or life-threatening marriage.”

    By the above analysis, Bolawole has logically brought to the fore God’s quest for justice, fairness and equity in favour of the first wife otherwise known as the “wife of your youth” against the selfish and oppressive tendencies of the men.

    In conclusion, the heat came upon the church because it is only Christian doctrine that fundamentally abhors separation and divorce. Likewise, by doctrine of assimilation, the faith discourages polygamy. Till date, the issue of polygamy is throwing up theological debate in the context of cultures, traditions and orientations of the contemporary societies. Situations whereby the church leadership and the laity impose punitive measures and stigmatize members whose marriages failed will further entrench the idea of enduring abusive marriages which could lead to more spousal murder cases.

    Jesus never judged nor condemned anybody. Even the woman caught in the act of adultery, He forgave and let her go. “I judge no one” He said (John 3:17 & 8:15). Therefore, let’s rally support, love and care to those quitting abusive marriages. Brethren in life threatening marriages should please cry out for help! It is our duty to love, encourage and support one another in times of need. The church should show more than passing interest in the well-being of her members. She should stop ostracising and stigmatising brethren involved in failed marriages. God is a Healer and Restorer of bruised, crushed and victimized souls. Unless we embrace the Spirit and not the letters of the Word, the church will always be at the receiving end of vitriolic criticisms. Shalom!

    • West wrote via

    mikeawe@yahoo.co.uk

    08035304268

    08059964446

  • Bad Marriage: A Straight Talk on Divorce! – By Michael West

    Bad Marriage: A Straight Talk on Divorce! – By Michael West

    If marriage is run the way God the Initiator had ordained it from the beginning, there would not be need for separation or divorce. Human failure to imbibe the culture of love, tolerance, patience and forgiveness upon which relationships are built, engenders hostility and bitterness which do manifest as abuse and violence in marital relationship.

    Divorce found its way into our marital lexicon because of human attitudinal inadequacies and character flaws. And rather than deal with such bad traits, ego, pride and bad temperament seize the momentum to aggravate the already bad situation through diverse form of assaults.

    Being caught in the web of bad marriage makes separation or divorce become an option if efforts to normalize the situation fail and life threatening and health risks pervade the home. It is on this premise that I want to discuss the issue of divorce as an option in bad marriage situation while looking into the religious dimension of the issue.

    Is divorce really bad? If yes, what is the way out of hopelessly bad, abusive and life threatening marriages? And if not, why do we stigmatise, deride and vehemently condemn it as if it is an abominable crime against humanity? Again, why do we mount pressures on the victims of bad marriages to stay put only for us to turn around and heap blames on them for not quitting or talking before the unexpected happens like we now witness in the last two weeks? What a world of hypocrisy we live in! What a society and families of hypocrites we belong to!

    Divorce and separation are avenues for victims of bad marriages to stay alive and fulfil their purposes, visions, dreams and still enjoy life to the fullest. However, abusers and tormentors of their spouses are products of poor parenting! Over indulgent and wayward children grow up to become loveless, heartless, bitter, mean, stingy, unforgiving and hostile spouses in marriage. Their spouses unfortunately become preys and victims of their frustrated lifestyle.

    As earlier stated, bad marriage is not the will of God for anybody. Marriage, originally is meant to be enjoyed. And sincerely, marriage is sweet if one is rightly paired! It is designed to be a blessing and not an affliction.

    However, poor parenting and the choice of spouses people make matter a lot. Abusers didn’t just emerge from the blues, they are indulgent children who become bullies at adolescence through to becoming abusive spouses in their adulthood. The warning signs are always there from the beginning but blind love and desperation often make people to ignore them thinking they can fix the problem in marriage.

    During the week, a young woman went on social media to announce the immediate cancellation of her traditional wedding slated for tomorrow, Saturday April 16, 2022 on account of violent behaviour of her fiancé. She narrated how she had been beaten blue and black several times with scars all over her body while in courtship. She also promised to refund the bride price he paid last week. I want to commend her courage for doing this and I want to enjoin those in similar abusive relationships to quit! It is only the living that gets married.

    Divorce, as bad as it seems, is an avenue by which God saves souls being a way of escape for victims of abusive marriages. God is much more interested and concerned with our souls than marriage. Jesus didn’t go to the cross because of marriage but to save our souls from eternal condemnation. Remember, Jesus said there’s no marriage in heaven. (Matthew 22:30). Paul the Apostle wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 that married people do care for the things of this world – meaning that marriage is earthly and its merriments end here. In view of this truth, marriage, as far as God is concerned, is an option for His people. It is not a must, neither is it a do-or-die affair.

    For the religious folks who see divorce strictly from the parochial prism of being a sacrilege, I dare to state that divorce is Biblical. Before you crucify me, let’s look into the Word. In Ezra chapters 9 and 10, we read accounts of wrong (not bad) marriages between Israelites and pagans. God had earlier warned against such interracial union but many of the leaders and men of God’s people violated the rule and married from the forbidden tribes. As a remorseful and penitent act, verses 11 and 12 state that the offenders willingly agreed to separate (divorce) from the pagan women and their children in obedience to God’s command.

    In Matthew 1:19, Joseph had wanted to divorce his betrothed woman, Mary, secretly over her pregnancy but for the timely intervention of the Holy Spirit. His action was deemed legitimate according to culture and tradition of Jewish nation. Father Abraham sent Hagai packing (separation) on the order of Sarah. Queen Vashit was divorced by King of Persia for disrespecting him. (Esther 1). Conversely, had Samson separated from Delilah early enough, he would not have died prematurely, foolishly and shamefully.

    “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence,” (Malachi 2:16). This is the most quoted verse in the Bible when it comes to the issue of divorce. But we fail to read the verse both in contextual and implied meanings. The underlying statement here is violence! God hates divorce because it connotes attitudinal, emotional and physical violence. That’s why Jesus said in Matthew 19:8a that “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of your hardness of heart.” Hardness of heart in this context is euphemism for violent treatment and forceful ejection of estranged spouses. And to avoid spousal murder cases like we now have, Moses then approved divorce as a means to save lives.

    People do quote Jesus’ statement that “What God has joined together let no man put asunder.” (Mark 10:9). My position is that how many marriages were actually contracted in strict compliance with God’s ordained process? Most of us violated His rules in the course of dating and courtship. Besides, the involved parties came together on their own volition and so they reserve the right to go their separate ways when the union is becoming life threatening.

    After divorce, what next?

    Separation does not automatically translate to divorce. In some amendable situations, separation is to allow warring couples cool off, think straight, review their issues, give room for intervention, counselling and prayers. In several cases, separated couples do reconcile and live harmoniously thenceforth. And where it is irreconcilable, then, they should stay apart and eventually divorce. It is not every troubled marriage that needs to end in divorce. Some require patience, forgiveness, understanding, tolerance counselling and more prayers to stabilize. Every marriage has its trying moments but how such times are handled will determine the success or otherwise of the union.

    There’s life after divorce. Divorced couples can still reunite after realizing their mistakes and they decide to work on them. Better still, divorced people can still remarry to new partners. To remarry after divorce is in order. Please ignore those who tell you to remain single. Human nature does not encourage anyone to stay without a companion.

    Some misinformed folks do tell abused partners to stay put and endure if they are not being physically assaulted. This is misleading and suicidal. More than battering, other form of assaults like verbal, sexual, emotional, financial, mental and spiritual including pressures from the third party are equally devastating, frustrating, dehumanizing, torturing and killing.

    In the last 10 years, there has been an upsurge in marital violence which has claimed several lives across genders. This year alone, about five cases have been widely reported in the media. This is aside the unreported or covered up cases and those that happened in remote villages and towns.

    I want to advise the church to stop discriminating against single parents by denying them roles in the service of God. This is one of reasons victims like Osinachi died in her abusive marriage so she won’t be ostracized or “disciplined” for failure to keep her home. If she had quit, they might stop inviting her for programmes and run her down as an “adulterous” sister. What will people say and how will the church react actually sent her to her early grave.

    Evasive statements by men of God in critical situations like bad marriage is both hypocritical and cowardly. Human lives should be a priority knowing that marriage is not a visa to heaven. Lastly, the church, family and friends should rally support for anybody languishing in bad marriage. Also, those keeping quiet while they die in silence should speak up and expose the ‘beasts’ they marry as spouses. Abuse is not gender specific, please speak up!

    Happy Good Friday!

    • West wrote via
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    • 08035304268
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  • Bad Marriage: Man Burnt Wife, Brother-In-law to Death – By Michael West

    Bad Marriage: Man Burnt Wife, Brother-In-law to Death – By Michael West

    Last week, a man burnt his wife and her younger brother to death in a bad marriage situation. A close friend of the deceased who is also a relationship coach and a Pastor, Moses Abiola, sent in this write-up to warn against staying too long and keeping quiet in bad marriage situation. Read on:

    In the past few weeks, Michael West has been running a series on bad marriage in which preventive and way forward out of dangerous unions have been offered. As for those who think that every marital crisis can be resolved and also for those who do not see divorce as an option, the untimely gruesome killing of 47-year-old banker, Chinyere Ogudoro, should be an eye-opener!

    Let me start by asking, why do people stay too long in bad marriages, especially women? Why? It is risky and suicidal to keep silent in the heat of marital turbulence. The late banker was a victim of prolonged stay and wicked silence in her bad marriage.

    When a woman is getting more financially empowered either more than her spouse or beyond his expectations, one may not be able to predict the intentions of a bad man. Some men have a sense of insecurity and they become uncomfortable when their wives earn more or are more successful than them. It is on this premise that I want to share the unfortunate story of a dear sister and friend who was murdered in a gruesome manner on Friday, April 1, 2022. Her husband, currently in the police net, is the prime suspect.

    Late Chinyere Magella Ogudoro and I belonged to the same Christian ecosystem on WhatsApp called Young Couples’ Fellowship, YCF. Herself and her husband were members of the group. Although, the husband had opted out of the group due to some basic principles of the group which he said contradicted his personal ideology and philosophy about marriage. However, he was readmitted after the wife pleaded on his behalf.

    The late sister was very humble, calm and unapologetically generous. An easy-going and ever smiling Chinyere was a rare gem. Though only a few people knew about her troubled marriage, she rarely opened up to anyone about the agony, frustration and danger she was enduring in the marriage that eventually terminated her life last week Friday.

    Born on the 12th of May 1975, Chinyere Magella Ogudoro had a promising career in banking while she got married to Benjamin Ogudoro, an accountant. Chinyere did so well in the banking sector as she rose to the peak of her career still discharging her roles as a wife and mother to her four children. She was a Manager at Fidelity Bank before she moved to Ecobank where she resigned as a Regional Manager.

    Even though she had a Master’s degree from the University of Lagos in 2006, Chinyere, in a veiled thirst for knowledge and global relevance, went to Glasgow Caledonian University, Scotland, to pursue another Master’s degree in 2018. Whereas her relocation to Great Britain was for separation from her abusive husband but none of us knew this much until after her unfortunate death when truth started coming out.

    Following her murder, one of our close friends said “now I understand why she was complaining of depression and suicidal thoughts.” We did not know she was going through a lot just to keep her marriage ship sailing. Travelling abroad to further her studies was just a facade to keep her sanity as her husband once brought out a machete during a fight with her but for the timely intervention of neighbours, things could have ended in disaster.

    She had informed us she would be returning to Nigeria. In fact, she asked one of our mutual friends to help her book a flight to Port Harcourt. So, it came as a surprise when we found out she arrived Nigeria on Thursday March 31 and was killed at about 1am the following day April 1. The president of our group who lives in the neighborhood of the Ogudoros later claimed that the husband, Ben Ogudoro, had made several attempts to sell off the property in which they reside but only to discover that it was the wife’s name that was on the C of O. He became angry even though it was clear that the property belonged to the wife. She also got him a job using her connections.

    When Chinyere arrived last week Thursday at Muritala Muhammed International Airport, her brother, Ifeanyi Joseph, went to pick her to the house. The husband, according to their neighbours, was busy drinking at a nearby beer parlour when she got home. Meeting his wife, an argument ensued, and in other to prevent another physical assault, they shut the door against him. Enraged with fury, he demanded why should they close the door, what were they talking about that warranted them shutting the door. He waited till they were asleep at night, he quietly entered their bedroom, poured petrol on the mattresses and floor as well as their bodies, set them aflame and quickly banged the door behind him with lock and key. He then ran out and started raising a false alarm of accidental fire explosion. Chinyere managed to pick her phone to call but could not because she suffered asphyxiation before she was burnt totally beyond recognition.

    Meanwhile, Chinyere’s younger and only brother who got married some months ago managed to pull the door down while still burning. He was the one who narrated everything that happened to the neighbours who had gathered to help the burning victims. He was quoted as saying, “My in-law, what did we do to you to deserve this kind of judgement? Why did you set us on fire?”

    He was able to do some video and audio recordings with his phone while the incident was going on. He was then rushed to a nearby hospital where he later gave up the ghost in the afternoon of same day. His phone had since been retrieved by the police to help in the course of investigation.

    How I wish Magella had spoken up against her abusive and wicked husband. How I wish she had walked away from the jinxed marriage or stay back in Scotland with her children. Unfortunately, Chinyere and her only brother, Ifeanyi Joseph, died a very tragic and painful death leaving their children and loved ones behind.

    One profound lesson we need to learn is to speak up. Women should stop dying in silence. Domestic violence is not gender specific. Men, please speak out when your life is under threat. Stop saying that is how she talks when she is angry. One day, it may be too late to cry. Likewise, stop trying to tame a beast in your partner. No marriage is worth anybody’s life. Children that we often use as an excuse for enduring bad marriage are better off with separated or divorced parents than none to care for them.

    My Take:

    It is too late to counsel Chinyere now! The killer suspect may not be killed eventually as governors have refused to sign death verdicts on condemned criminals in last 20 years. Many, if not all of such criminals may have their sentences commuted to jail terms. Who is the ultimate loser? The dead, of course! Till date, those who sacrificed their lives in bad marriages did so in vain. God won’t give then medals for dying prematurely and foolishly.

    Genesis 19:17b reads: “Run for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Run to the mountains or you will be swept away!”

    If after trying to make your marriage work but it’s getting worse, if after going for counselling sessions and prayers the situation is not improving, please RUN! Don’t care about what people will say, it is the same people that encourage you to stay back in abusive marriage that will turn around to blame you for not running for your precious life just as they’re blaming Chinyere now!

    • West wrote via
    mikeawe@yahoo.co.uk
    08035304268
    08059964446

  • Why Groomed Men Should Marry Nurtured Women – By Michael West

    Why Groomed Men Should Marry Nurtured Women – By Michael West

    By Michael West

    By my findings and encounters with some unhappy spouses, it is revealed that not a few of the marital problems in our world these days are largely rooted in poor parenting where half-baked or outright ill-baked men undeservedly married well nurtured women. Likewise, such men have rightly got married to half-baked or wholly ill-trained women like themselves.

    Our culture harps so much on the upbringing of the daughters right from childhood while the male child enjoys more relaxed space and latitude of options to participate in domestic chores on the excuse that he is a potential future husband and father who would have no business in the kitchen.

    These days, fathers do not fully integrate the male child into patriarchal functions and responsibilities as the future head of his own family unit. What it takes to be a good husband and a responsible father should be inculcated into the psyche and consciousness of every man from the childhood. Beyond sex and making babies, being a loving, supporting and tolerant husband is what translates him into becoming a responsible, responsive and dependable father.

    Stingy and lazy men are nightmares to their spouses at home. They often dodge responsibilities and prefer to work less as excuses for their slothful lifestyle. They don’t like going the extra mile or working extra hours. They use their limited income more of a condition and excuse that should shield from entitled responsibilities. They usually act like ‘underprivileged’ lot to achieve emotional blackmail against their hardworking wives.

    Grooming the male child in our society varies as it depends on the tribe or ethnic group he belongs to or where the child is raised. In some tribes, clans and families, both male and female children would undertake the same measures of home training. They’re both skillful in domestic chores, farming activities, social and behavioural orientation. When they become adults, most of such well groomed wards usually turn out to complement their spouses in marriage. They’re not lazy or bossy. They are more understanding and tolerant of one another.

    Parents do pay a greater of attention to their female children in the area of home training while monitoring and guiding them for attitudinal and character modification including communication, dressing and social etiquettes.

    “I’m really getting nauseated by the audacious attitude of my wife at home. The only time she speaks softly and becomes affectionate is when she needs money and sex. Her attitude is hardening my feelings towards her such that I don’t easily get aroused for sexual intimacy with her like it used to be. Knowing that it is her entitlement in the marriage, but behaving like my boss or madam at the top is driving me crazy. She treats me as if I’m a sex slave as she doesn’t want to know if I’m ready or not. She once threatened that she would go out and satisfy her urges if I decided to deny her knowing that she’s a sex addict. I think the reason she’s behaving irrationally to me is because I love her so much. She knows I love her dearly that’s what she’s taking undue advantage of.

    “My wife lacks home training. She’s so lazy at virtually everything except in the bedroom and lavish spending on inanities. Because I grew up as a mummy’s boy who has culinary skills, she knows I can’t eat poor quality meals. My mom used to run a lucrative restaurant when I was in secondary school and I developed interest in cooking. So, I promised to assist my wife in the kitchen whenever I’m available which I enjoy doing as fun but she has abandoned her duty to me claiming I can do it a lot better than her. Sir, I don’t want to mention her disrespectful attitude to me in the midst of people. She is so lousy and uncouth. The worst thing is that if I complain, she will snap and retort at me as if I’m a slave.

    “Sir, I need you to weigh in and talk to her please. She actually introduced your column to me. She reads you a lot. I’m not thinking about separation or divorce because I love my wife but she needs to change her unruly and uncaring disposition towards me at home. Thank you, sir.”

    A Yoruba ironic phrase says that a problem confronting someone might actually be a non-issue to another person. Meaning that someone might be experiencing the exact opposite of what another is facing. There are homes where the men are actually the problems. Men, in several marital rancorous situation, are the causes.

    No matter how well trained or nurtured some people are from their homes, if they marry wrong partners, the ensued bad marriage will mess up the good spouses and the worst of them will signpost their behavioural patterns. We should evolve a situation where only well groomed men should marry well nurtured women.

    Korra Obidi: A Minus for Black Women

    Until her failed marital issue went viral in the last couple of weeks, I didn’t know anything about her. To be sincere, I heard about the nude dancer for the first time during her crisis. I tried to know who she is and why the seemingly celebrated marriage failed. I relied on my Texas, United States based friend who is fully updated on the trending story to tell me what I need to know about it.

    The entire failed marriage story is not so much of interest to me than the effect and implication of her “use and dump” character in the whole saga. Her attitude is capable of provoking stricter immigration condition in case her estranged husband, Dr. Justin Dean, chooses to petition against her on whatever ground. However, I don’t see that happening because the guy doesn’t appear vengeful, deeply bitter or hostile.

    Meanwhile, the American public read, saw and still see the show of shame being displayed by our sister, Korra and the seemingly exploitative opportunity to earn citizenship through the marriage. Here’s the take of my friend on the issue:

    “Interracial marriage is not for just anyone. Don’t go there if you do not have what it takes to sustain it. Stop marrying foreign nationals just for the sole purpose of gaining immigration status. You are simply creating problems for well meaning and sincere people who truly fall in love and not for the sake of citizenship of their countries.

    “There are several ways to becoming citizens of these developed countries. If you’re not really in love with that man or woman, please don’t pretend to be. Seek other legitimate ways to obtain citizenship.

    “It feels terrible to be used and dumped. Some people have committed murder and suicide because of issues like these. Immigration laws keep changing and the law is making it very difficult for well meaning people to get themselves sorted out just because some desperate people keep abusing such opportunity. Our people should stop being desperate.”

    Korra Obidi’s case could be a spoiler for other African women and Nigerian women in particular who intend to genuinely marry foreigners. Please call her to order!

    Happy New Month!

    • West wrote via
    08035304268

  • Stop Dating for Wrong Reasons – By Michael West

    Stop Dating for Wrong Reasons – By Michael West

    By Michael West

    Dating is a prelude to marriage for adults. It is otherwise known as courtship but because some engaged adults don’t really want to settle down, they remain in dating for as long as it serves their purposes and interests.

    Not many people realise that dating without a purpose is time wasting and an euphemism for romantic adventure. A focused relationship is what makes adults responsible and accountable for their lifetime and resources. Going by the prevailing situation around us, there’re quite a number of people, women in particular, that are going through some hard and unpleasant situations in their relationships. But the truth is that many of them don’t know why they are in relationship or why they marry the men in their lives. In response to many of the questions and to properly define the path to a peaceful and lasting relationship, I decided to publish an abridged version of a piece written by Amara Blessing Nwosu, a resourceful writer and relationship coach, in addressing the situation. Read on:

    I have never failed to ask this question whenever I am speaking to singles on relationship matters. I have come to the realisation that many people, especially women, go into relationships either for the wrong reasons or no reason at all. A good number of ladies go into relationships just because their friends are into it and so they should play along. Others go into it because their body calls for it and this is natural. But it is only a few out there who go into relationships with the opposite sex for the right reasons.

    A good number of us are shy to open up and say what we have in our minds because we don’t want to be seen as one of those desperate girls. I don’t think you should bother so much about people talking or that guy seeing you as one desperado just because you open up on your expectations. I know you are too afraid to lose him again. But girl, if you don’t talk about these things now, they will come back to hunt your future. I know there are times compromise becomes necessary, but there are also issues that need no compromise. Losing your direction can cause you to stay in a relationship even if it no longer fulfils your needs and desires.

    Women keep lamenting of men treating them as rags in their relationships. The problem is not from the man; you are your own problem. I have been there and I know what I am talking about. Nigerian women, especially women from the eastern part, are brought up to believe that all a woman needs in life is marriage to a wealthy man. This is why you see young girls getting married while in junior secondary school and the parents are there rejoicing over her. What do you expect from that kind of relationship? She gets married to a man just because he has some cash to throw around. The life of this girl comes to a halt as she becomes the baby making factory she was created to be and possibly end up inside the market.

    Age has a way of teaching people some good lessons in life. There are also some ladies who are still being tossed about by every wind of compliment from men. These ones are adults, they have gone through series of heartbreaks from men, but have refused to learn their lessons. They go on making worse mistakes just because they are too desperate not to look before they leap.

    I am not trying to preach intolerance or gender equality in relationships. I am one person who believes there is a place in every relationship, kept for the man alone. I don’t like the idea of women trying to become men, but I also believe a woman should be respected and adored for her best to come out.

    You are an expert in getting men to love you and now you have this guy you are attracted to and you are not ready to let go. You keep disturbing his lines even while he is busy at work. Let me tell you what happens when you eventually end up in marriage with him; you will spend the rest of your life struggling to keep the relationship. Become the woman you are created to be and you will see him running tirelessly after you.

    When I talk about setting standards and goals in relationships, I am not talking about taking yourself to an invisible mountain where no normal guy can reach you. You have lost great men just because you don’t want to face reality. I know you want to ride in those posh cars like your friends who are married to big time drug barons and fraudsters, I know you want to move from one country to the other on holidays; they are all good expectations, but girl, what about developing yourself? I also want you to take time out and get to know how happy those your friends are with all the material acquisitions.

    You must set your standards and refuse to go below your expectations in life just to please a man. I have never gone clubbing and so I will never have anything to do with a man who moves from one club house to the other. I don’t like alcohol, especially beer, and so I can never stoop so low to have a relationship with a man whose fridges are filled with bottles of beer. I like privacy and so I don’t have to get attached to a man who loves partying and who has no secret. I can tolerate a lot of things from people, but there are no-go-areas when it comes to my life. I know people will tell you that setting standards is one of the reasons ladies remain single for a very long time. A man who loves you and appreciates class and knowledge will ever appreciate you.

    The problem with us is that we always ignore the red-flags in our relationships and blindly go into marriage without getting them sorted out believing he is going to change. Please get ready to cope with his lifestyle because he is not going to change. By the time you get into that relationship and start moving from one prayer house to the other for solution, please remember you read this article someday.

    There is more to life than the money in the bank. There is more to relationships than getting married to a total stranger whose lifestyle contradicts yours. You can only enjoy marriage when you get into it with your best friend. If he is not rich now, never look down on him because you may be the carrier of his blessings and he will someday make it because he is focused.

    From the Mailbox

    Re: Angel or Bitch, Who is She?

    It was a plausible piece of writing. The points made are succinct and adequate in the description of an ideal woman! They are made to complement men in their life journey. Life would be boring without good women. To get a good woman today is becoming difficult because of westernization of our rich cultural heritage. Whenever you see a man prospering very fast just know he has the right woman his life.

    The International Women’s Day concept should remind us of their importance in the human environment, especially their complementary role in making things work well. I agree with the saying that behind every successful man there is a good woman; and conversely, behind a failed man there is also a woman. – 08187107434

    • West wrote via mikeawe@yahoo.co.uk

    08035304268

    08059964446