I promised to share my perspective on paternity fraud this week. I want to start with the various types of marriages prevalent in Nigeria and the implications.
Traditional marriage: In Africa, we do traditional marriage. The man pays a bride price and the couple get parental consent and blessings. Some Christian denominations will not conduct your church wedding without first of all doing your traditional marriage. Parental consent and blessings are that important. Thereafter, the couple are regarded as married.
After then, traditionalists do not need any other marriage ceremony. In traditional marriages, the Urhobos and Isokos, to be specific, the wife makes a vow to be faithful to her husband. But the husband does not make this vow. This is because Africans practice polygamy. It means the husband is at liberty to marry more wives.
Usually courtship comes before marriage. Courtship is that period when the people involved get to know each other better to enable them to decide whether or not to go ahead with the marriage. Usually, courtship does not include premarital sex. We added sex to “knowing one another better.” Women who did only traditional marriage can’t accuse theirs husband of committing adultery because a side chick today can become a wife tomorrow.
Islamic Marriage ( Nikkah): Any woman married by Islamic rites must recognise that the religion allows her husband to marry four wives, if he so wishes. Side chick today, wife number two tomorrow. I am not versed in Islam, but I don’t understand the basis for a wife to accuse her husband of infidelity.
Civil Marriage: It legally formalises the union and goes with some concomitant legal obligations.
The couple exchange vows of mutual fidelity. There is no room for polygamy because you can be charged to court for bigamy ( Marrying a second person while still legally married to your spouse).
Church marriage: This is conducted in a church and is often conventional. It involves the exchange of vows, including mutual fidelity. In some orthodox churches, you can’t be a communicant unless you’re your marriage is solemnised in the church. The church recognises civil and traditional marriages. Some will not even allow you to go ahead with your church marriage until you do your traditional marriage. They recognise the importance of parental consent and blessings.
Having identified the various types of marriages in our clime, let’s delve into the issues raised last week.
Infidelity: I am reluctant to discuss infidelity because the Urhobo/ Isoko roots in me predominate my opinion. In the past, infidelity was something that was scarcely heard of in Urhobo land, nor published in the streets of Isoko land. Shouldn’t it be obvious that a woman who gave birth to a child with a penis and scrotum rather that a slit private is a boy not a girl? A Christian leader once told me to accompany him to settle a case of infidelity.
Unfortunately, the culprit was even an Urhobo woman. I declined. I told him that “I don’t use my teeth to share a piece of meat I will not eat. Personally, I refer to it as a sin against the Holy Spirit (very difficult to forgive).” She literally stripped her husband naked in public. To the glory of God, they reconciled and are still together. As a Christian, I believe in forgiveness, but spouses should respect boundaries and avoid crossing the Rubicon. Don’t do what will make it very difficult for spouse to forgive you or for him/her to live with life long scars.
My firm Christian beliefs notwithstanding, erivwin (punishment for those those who do things the society considers to be taboos) is real in Urhobo and Isoko. It was deadlier in the pre-Christian days.
A woman must report a case of another man holding her hand or touching her buttocks or any trespass. Erivwin caught up with housewives who failed to tell their husbands. For those who told their husbands, the trespassers were made to slaughter a goat to appease the gods and the ancestors. For those who didn’t report, their children died first, then the women followed.
We are not even talking of the real adultery yet. Someone I know at close range lost his two children. When it became obvious to the wife that she was next, she confessed. They are “Christians,” but I guess the glory of God departed from her which exposed her to the wrath of the gods and ancestors.
Unfortunately, the “Christian brother” she committed the act with her was spared. It reminds me of the story of the woman in the bible who was to be stoned to death because she committed adultery before Jesus saved her. Don’t ask me why Jesus didn’t intervene for the children. I am neither a bible scholar nor do I have deep understanding of tradition, but I know erivwin is real.
But men don’t escape all the time. My mother told me the story of a man who desired one married woman, but she rebuffed his advances. He kept stalking her. One of those days, the woman was walking on a pathway and was pressed. She went into the nearby bush and urinated. After leaving, without her knowledge, the man went to the spot where the woman had urinated. Since he couldn’t get the real thing, he decided to console himself.
He brought out the penis and touched the spot where the woman urinated. Shortly after, the woman fell ill. After divination, she was told to confess her transgression. She maintained that she’s been faithful. Then the necessary ritual was performed. If she was guilty of adultery (oderiabe), she would have died. But if she was innocent (oderiase), she would be healed.
Shortly after she became well. Then the man became ill. He was getting bloated. When he saw death staring him in the face, he confessed. That was how the secret became public. He was fined a goat and some money. The goat was used to appease the gods and ancestors (ag’iye ke) and he recovered.
Yes, Christianity has watered down the potency of erivwin, but if you are an Urhobo/Isoko woman, it’s safer for you to stay away from adultery. Two Urhobo women were consumed by erivwin due to adultery in the last two years. They were “Christians,” one married to a man who is a very committed Christian.
Some of these things are mysterious to me, but many Urhobo and Isoko people know erivwin is real. Leave Christianity, Islam or whatever religion you subscribe to out of it. In the Bible, God allowed the Israelites to be defeated and exiled due to their infidelity. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. “So, don’t play or you are going to learn…”
The point is, if a married man did only traditional marriage, or Nikkai, you can’t accuse him of having side chicks or having children outside marriage. The women can easily become wives and the children, step-children. But if after your traditional, a man voluntarily decides to do civil or church marriage and exchange vows of mutual fidelity.
Any sex outside marriage by either party is adultery. There is no African man in the matter. Vows are meant to be kept. Nobody forced you to take them. If you want to be African man, stop at traditional marriage. That said, when a Christian woman decides to “retaliate” because the husband committed adultery, is that what the bible says? I am not by any means encouraging adultery by men who took vows of fidelity to break them. These are vows, not hollow rituals. Vows are meant to be kept. I rest my case.
Paternity Fraud: Infidelity results in passing on other men’s children to your husband as his. None of the four types of marriages allows adultery by wives, so deceptively passing on other men’s children as your husbands’ cannot be justified. For me that is a total no-no. It’s not just the infidelity, but the deceit and wickedness.
This is totally different from a man who fathered children outside civil or church marriage. I have no problem with raising other people’s children or adoption. These are based on truth, not falsehood. We remember the case of Nedu whose wife got married to him knowing she was carrying another man’s baby. Her defence was that she never told Nedu the pregnancy was his. What kind of mumu defence is that? This is pure deceit. Did you tell him you were carrying another man’s pregnancy before he married you?
IVF and swapping of children: Owners of clinics that swap babies or use sperms other than the husband’s to fertilise the wife without his knowledge should be sued. That is ethical and professional misconduct. If a man is infertile and agrees to use donated sperm, that’s his business. I withhold my personal opinion on IVF. It’s their personal decision.
IMPOTENCE: A man who is impotent cannot go into a marriage. For any marriage to be valid, it must be consummated, that is, the man must insert his penis into his wife’s vagina and have sex. A flaccid penis cannot penetrate the vagina and have sex. So the marriage is null and void ab initio because it’s not consummated. couples who engage in such deceits are not husbands and wives but companions.
These are my thoughts from and my reaction to my article last Saturday.
